Grubb Hub

All Mary Johnson wanted to do for her 104th birthday was see her beloved Detroit Tigers at Comerica Park for the very first time.

But Mother Nature decided to play a cruel joke–much like the one God plays when he keeps a human being alive for 104 years–and last Sunday’s the game against the Kansas City Royals was rained out.

So Mary Johnson’s first game at Comerica will have to wait, which shouldn’t be a problem. After 104 years, what’s another couple of weeks?

Johnson maintains a youthful exuberance despite her advanced age. She credits Vaseline for her wrinkle-free skin and her sharply parted hair.

So when that sweet old lady, still full of life, finally makes it through those turnstiles, you just know she’s really going to enjoy herself. In fact, here are some of the things we can imagine the 104 year-old woman saying to the fans seated around her once that much-anticipated moment finally arrives:

“Nine dollars for a beer!? Why, I remember when nine dollars got you a giant bag of opium and a date with a gigolo!”

“I’d love to have a peanut deary, but unfortunately I left my teeth in the car.”

“Why, I remember when this was gang land as far as the eye could see!”

“This exploding scoreboard both amazes and frightens me at the same time.”

“I like that Scott Sizemore, he’s such a nice boy, with a nice face.”

“When you live to be as old as I am, the long lines at the bathroom don’t bother you so much. Probably because you can pretty much go wherever you want. Like right now, for example.”

“I’ll recognize the state of Arizona before you’ll ever get me to recognize the designated hitter! Ptooey!”

“That Ty Cobb was such a gentleman. Never had a bad word to say about anyone, bless his heart.”

“I can do the wave! Just watch me. Here I go…Oww!! My hip!”

“I stuffed my purse full of packets of pickle relish. They won’t let us have pickle relish at the home. I like pickle relish. I stuffed my purse full of packets of pickle relish. They won’t let us have pickle relish at the home. I like pickle relish…”

“Come on pitcher, throw the ball to the plate! While we’re young, damn it!”

“Oh, I wish my grandchildren were alive to see this!”

“That sun’s a bright one today! Good thing I brought an extra tub of Vaseline. Mmm, creamy!”

“I wish those young women dressed as whores would catapult a T-shirt over here.”

“Why, I can remember when baseball was called ‘Bag Ball.’ And before that it was called ‘Hickory Sticks.’ And before that it was called ‘Hey Everybody, Let’s Beat Up the Irish.’”