Love in the Time of Hepatitis: Jose Canseco Goes on a “CelebriDate”

November 18, 2011

He’s 47, twice divorced, and he ratted out his oldest and closest friends for money in an embarrassing tell-all book. Interested yet, ladies?

It’s Jose Canseco, who recently tried his luck on the show “CelebriDate” on HDNet, the channel brought to you by Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban and terrible congressional laws against a la carte cable television.

According to leading scholars in the field of evolutionary linguistics, the word “CelebriDate” is of Latin origin, and is derived from the words “celebrity” and “date.”

Once learning of this, Canseco donned his best “Affliction” T-shirt and set out to find true love.  With the help of Roger Lodge, baseball’s favorite media whore was introduced to another kind of whore: the regular kind.

His choices included a fetish model, a Latin American TV host, and a former Playmate turned actress and fitness expert. Sounds promising right?

If you watched the episode, you had the privilege of delving deep into the six-time major league all-star’s soul. You learned of his disdain for grudges and hair extensions. In fact, half the show is spent talking about how Canseco doesn’t like hair extensions. Who knew?

And in the end, Canseco bucked conventional wisdom by picking the girl with the biggest boobs.

Okay so maybe that’s not a big surprise. But apparently he made the right choice, because as we later found out, he wasn’t really the other girl’s type.

Which is too bad really, because she seemed like a real sweetheart.

—-

Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not out sailing on his 50-foot yacht, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

Advertisements

Banks Shines Bright in Big Ten Network Debut

November 4, 2011

Former NFL and Michigan State quarterback Tony Banks turned up on the Big Ten Network as a post-game analyst recently, and made a rather inauspicious debut – in part due to his choice of wardrobe.

The good news is that, in addition to functioning as a garment, Banks’ suit could also be melted down into a commemorative coin collection and bought on QVC for three easy payments of $19.95.

Now you’re probably thinking to yourself: How could a grown man that made millions of dollars during a 9-year NFL career wear such a ridiculous outfit on national cable television? And you’d be right.

My curiosity runs a bit deeper however, to the origin of the suit itself. Such a bold fashion statement makes me wonder…where did the designer’s inspiration come from?

Then it hit me:

Although more subtle in color – fluorescent gold as opposed to a deep red – Banks’ suit was undoubtedly inspired by the late Captain Kangaroo.

Unfortunately, the suit went on to cause major distractions during the telecast, at times reflecting the bright studio lights and blinding fellow BTN analyst Howard Griffith during his monologue on Indiana’s poor kickoff coverage.

With tensions rising due to the suit’s luminescence, the show would later turn ugly. Griffith, who was clearly not amused by Banks’ attire, at one point chastised Banks on air for “coming in here looking like a damn fool.”

Banks tried to diffuse the situation, responding to Griffith’s attack by saying, “Hey, at least I didn’t wear the belt that it came with.”

In any event, one would think that if the former Spartan Banks were going to model his clothing after a recurring Captain Kangaroo character, it would have been Mr. Green Jeans.

—-

Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not out sailing on his 50-foot yacht, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com