Love in the Time of Hepatitis: Jose Canseco Goes on a “CelebriDate”

November 18, 2011

He’s 47, twice divorced, and he ratted out his oldest and closest friends for money in an embarrassing tell-all book. Interested yet, ladies?

It’s Jose Canseco, who recently tried his luck on the show “CelebriDate” on HDNet, the channel brought to you by Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban and terrible congressional laws against a la carte cable television.

According to leading scholars in the field of evolutionary linguistics, the word “CelebriDate” is of Latin origin, and is derived from the words “celebrity” and “date.”

Once learning of this, Canseco donned his best “Affliction” T-shirt and set out to find true love.  With the help of Roger Lodge, baseball’s favorite media whore was introduced to another kind of whore: the regular kind.

His choices included a fetish model, a Latin American TV host, and a former Playmate turned actress and fitness expert. Sounds promising right?

If you watched the episode, you had the privilege of delving deep into the six-time major league all-star’s soul. You learned of his disdain for grudges and hair extensions. In fact, half the show is spent talking about how Canseco doesn’t like hair extensions. Who knew?

And in the end, Canseco bucked conventional wisdom by picking the girl with the biggest boobs.

Okay so maybe that’s not a big surprise. But apparently he made the right choice, because as we later found out, he wasn’t really the other girl’s type.

Which is too bad really, because she seemed like a real sweetheart.

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Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not out sailing on his 50-foot yacht, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

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Adam Dunn and the Race for .178

August 4, 2011

With baseball’s dog days of August squarely upon us, history is in the making. And people are starting to stand up and take notice.

Less than two months are left in baseball’s 2011 edition, and Chicago White Sox outfielder Adam Dunn has a chance to break the all-time modern day record for lowest batting average in a season for a player with enough at bats to qualify for the batting title, a mark set by former Detroit Tigers outfielder Rob Deer, who hit a putrid .179 in 1991.

Yes, the record many thought would never be broken is now suddenly within reach. If you ask Dunn though, all the hype and media attention surrounding “The Race for .178” is a bit premature.

“It’s too early to start talking about (the record) just yet,” Dunn said. “I don’t want to jinx it. My goal all along was to get to September and hopefully my batting average would be no higher than .170. If that happens, then I’ll start to feel like I’ve got a legitimate shot.”

Dunn enters today’s play hitting just .166. However, with two hits in his last six at bats, his average has risen four points in the last two games.

“Sometimes that’s just how it goes,” said Dunn. “You try to get out there, take it one day at a time and put some really horrible at bats together. Sometimes the ball just finds a hole. It’s probably dumb luck more than anything, really.”

To his credit, Deer, the reigning Lowest Batting Average King – who also had a career average of .220 in 11 major league seasons – has been supportive of Dunn’s quest, even lending him advice at times.

“It was more difficult than you’d think, finding a way to not get hits day after day,” Deer said recently in an interview with the Detroit Free Press. “For me, it was often easier if I just struck out. If you actually make contact, there’s always the off chance you could hit it somewhere a fielder isn’t standing.”

Deer struck out a phenomenal 175 times during his epic season in 448 at bats, a 39 percent clip. Dunn has been even more productive in that department, thus far whiffing 138 times in just 316 at bats, not making contact with the ball nearly 44 percent of the time.

As expected, the White Sox organization and fans are 100 percent committed to Dunn and his shot at history, even if it’s to the detriment of the rest of the team.

“We plan to keep Dunn in the lineup every day, no matter how many games it costs us,” said White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. “Of course Adam won’t come out and say it, but we know how much this record means to him. Plus, the guys really get up for this. Everybody wants to be a part of history.”

“The fans have been great, really supportive,” added Dunn. “Every time I make another out, they get really loud and start yelling things. You can tell they’re fired up about it.”

Unfortunately, whenever a prestigious batting record has a chance of being broken, the subject of performance-enhancing drugs rises to the forefront.

Recently, an Associated Press reporter noticed some suspicious-looking bottles on top of Dunn’s locker. When questioned about this, Dunn said, “Yeah, I’ve been drowning my sorrows with a 12-pack of Schlitz every night. That seems to do the trick.”

For his historic efforts, Dunn will make $12 million this year, and is signed through 2014, when he tops out at $15 million.


Snapshots of the Barry Bonds Perjury Trial

April 1, 2011

The trial of Barry Bonds is well underway, with baseball’s all-time home run king (cough) being charged with perjury and obstruction of justice for lying under oath to a grand jury in the 2003 BALCO case.

There for every juicy detail along the way has been the USA Today, which has published one, sometimes two, articles every day since before the trial even started.

In addition to the extensive story coverage, the USA Today Snapshot® has also been zeroing in on the Bonds perjury trial. As anyone that has read the publication knows, the USA Today Snapshots® are those visually appealing graphics that appear at the bottom left on the cover of every section, presenting information on a topic in a straightforward and easy-to-understand way.

For example, just this week an article ran that reported on the testimony of San Francisco Giants equipment manager Mike Murphy, who said that Bonds hat size increased noticeably from one year to the next. That same day, this Snapshot® appeared on the cover of the USA today sports section, at least it did in the USA Today we picked up.  Then again, maybe we got a one-of-a-kind edition:

Perhaps the most sensational testimony so far has come from longtime mistress Kimberly Bell, who testified that Bonds went through dramatic body changes in the early 2000’s, saying, “The shape, size of his testicles, (they were) smaller and a different shape. And he had trouble keeping an erection. He tried to solve the problem. He had never experienced that.”

When questioned at length by prosecutors, Bell went into great detail on the subject of Bonds’ sexual dysfunction. The graphic artists at the USA Today later capitalized on the extensive testimony to create this Snapshot®:

Bell also gave heart-wrenching testimony about Bonds’ fits of rage due to prolonged steroid use, saying that he often told her, “That he would cut my head off and leave it in a ditch.” As anyone that regularly follows it knows, baseball is a game of statistics. Digging deep into the vast MLB statistical archives, the USA Today came up with this Snapshot®:

For those that want to follow an ongoing story like the Bonds’ trial, but perhaps find the fourth-grade reading level of the USA too difficult to understand, or simply don’t have the time to read an entire article from beginning to end, the USA Today Snapshot® has long been an effective and efficient tool for staying up to date on current events and issues.


So the Brewers…You’re Talking About Beer Right?

March 3, 2011

Spring training is officially underway this week, accompanied by the usual in-depth reports on all 30 major league clubs.

Can the Kansas City Royals go all the way? Will the Pittsburgh Pirates dominate the NL Central? Are the Yankees really the worst team in the league? Now is the time to get the skinny on your favorite team.

USA Today has decided to focus on the Milwaukee Brewers this spring, in a periodic series that goes behind the scenes to learn more about the team and its lofty expectations for the coming season.

Apparently there was a lot for USA Today to learn about the Brewers, like their team nickname refers to people that make beer, for instance. The excitement of this realization proved too much for them to handle.

In this week’s very first article in the series, the USA Today headline writers exploded in a drunken orgy of beer references, starting with the main headline, “Brewers believe in recipe.”

These particular headline writers simply did not know when to say when. There are five references to beer or beer making in this first cover story alone, from “new ingredients on roster” to “orientation day is strange brew” to describing the team as “stocked.”

If this trend continues, what sort of headlines might we see in future editions of the series? Here are some thoughts on how the season might unfold:

-Brewers Enjoy Flavor of Successful Spring
-Brewers Enter Regular Season With Winning Formula
-Brewers Pour It On Against First-Place Pirates
-NL Central-Leading Pirates Back on the Wagon With Win Over Brewers
-Brewers Show Signs of Hangover from Yesterday’s Loss
-Brewers Go on Month-Long Losing Bender
-Expiration Date on Milwaukee’s Playoff Chances Looms
-Brewers’ Season Officially On the Rocks
-Pirates Beat Brewers Like Alcoholic Stepdad Beats Ungrateful Stepchildren
-Fans of Brewers Vomit on Selves, Experience Remorse
-Billy Brewer Charged With Public Intoxication, Indecent Exposure at Water Park
-Billy Brewer Banned for Life From Wisconsin Dells
-Ill-Fated Sausage Race Ends In Carnage
-Alcohol Makes Headline Writers Stupid, Suffer From Dementia, Experts Say