Denver Bronco Fans Starved for Halftime Entertainment

December 30, 2011

Admittedly, it can get kind of boring if you’re a Denver Broncos fan waiting around three-and-a-half quarters for Tebow Time to come (for a definition of Tebow Time, see this article).

Maybe that’s why the events coordinator at Sports Authority Field at Mile High (that name just rolls off the tongue) has been trying to spruce up the halftime show, to help fill the void between the opening kickoff and the last five minutes of the game.

When you’ve scored just 22 points in the first half of your last four home games, any kind of action is a welcome occurrence:

Monkey Rides Horse at Denver Broncos Game

No, it’s not a live-action representation of Tebow’s understanding of Darwinism. Nor is it one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in an all-animal halftime production of The Book of Revelation. It’s just a good, old-fashioned monkey riding a horse.

I guess if Tim Tebow can pass for a legitimate NFL quarterback in Denver, this can pass for halftime entertainment. But hey, at least Bronco fans weren’t treated to this:

Apparently, the joke here is that NFL Network commentator Michael Irvin loves Tim Tebow. Judging by the awkward gyrations he’s making, I’d say he loves that horse more. Maybe that’s why he’s riding it more like a cocaine-fueled hooker from his Dallas Cowboy playing days than a children’s toy.

Let’s just hope that if the Broncos happen to play on NFL Network next year, Irvin leaves his horse in the stable. Either that or he learns to ride the thing without sodomizing it.

—-

Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not training monkeys to re-enact the movie “The Ten Commandments”, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

Advertisements

The Word of Tebow

December 16, 2011

You can question his arm, and you can question his footwork, but you simply cannot question the fact that Tim Tebow has taken the NFL and the entire country by storm following a streak of seven wins in eight starts, each triumph seemingly more unbelievable than the last.

Just examine if you will one tiny slice of the Tebow phenomenon, that being the impact it’s having on the American lexicon.

According to a report on the USA Today’s website, the word Tebowing has now officially been recognized by the Global Language Monitor.

But it doesn’t stop there. After doing a little research, I’ve discovered that the root word Tebow is now only exceeded in number and variation of applications by the word smurf, which of course can basically be smurfed for anything.

So let’s take a look at the word Tebow and a small sample of its many uses. The definitions below are presented as they will no doubt soon appear in Webster’s Dictionary after Tim Tebow takes over the planet and enslaves us all, complete with example sentences so that you may learn how to use them in your everyday conversations.

Tebowing [tee-boh-ing]
noun

1. The act of taking a knee in prayer during an athletic contest, most often seen in North American football after scoring the team’s lone offensive touchdown of the game.

Example Sentence:

Mark and his teammates began Tebowing with each other in the back of the end zone after Mark crossed the goal line to win his fraternity’s intermural flag football game 7-0 in overtime.

Tebow Time [tee-boh-tahym]
noun

1. In North American football terms, the time of the game, typically encompassing the final minutes of the fourth quarter as well as overtime, when a defense abandons the strategies that have thus far limited the opposing offense to little or no points in favor of a generic, relaxed defense designed to surrender yards in huge chunks.

2. In general terms, any time spent thinking about, reflecting upon, or consuming media coverage of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.

Example Sentence:

After a long, stressful day at work, George flipped the TV to “SportsCenter” and plopped down on the couch for some much-deserved Tebow Time.

Tebowmania [tee-boh-mey-nee-yuh]
noun

1. A mental condition that causes those afflicted to lose all perspective and sense of NFL history. It is often accompanied by giving credit to Tim Tebow for all things, even those that he had nothing to do with, such as a defensive touchdown or a very long field goal.

In more advanced stages it can also lead to disorientation. In rare cases, voluntary alopecia areata can occur.

Example Sentences:

Suffering from an acute onset of Tebowmania, Marion Barber inexplicably ran out of bounds instead of simply running out the clock and ending the game.

Amanda’s Tebowmania has her convinced that Tim Tebow will become the first option quarterback ever to win a Super Bowl, despite 45 years of evidence suggesting otherwise.

Tebowchery [tee-baw-chuh-ree]

noun, plural -er·ies.

1. Excessive indulgence in Tim Tebow-related pleasures or sensations, such as beating a reeling Chicago Bears team 13-10 in overtime without its star running back Matt Forte and quarterback Jay Cutler.

2. An act or outward demonstration of piousness, caring, humility, or selflessness.

Example Sentence:

Kim thoroughly enjoyed a nice Saturday evening of Tebowchery when she helped perform a puppet show to entertain the residents of a local nursing home. Earlier in the night, she also made a large donation of clothes and toys to Goodwill.

Tebowtion [tee-boh-shuhn]
noun

1. Profound dedication to and unwavering belief in the abilities of Tim Tebow, often accompanied by extreme loyalty no matter the situation.

Example Sentence:

Despite throwing for 45 yards on 2-of-19 passing through three-and-a-half quarters, Harold’s Tebowtion never waned, and he began quietly Tebowing in the middle of his living room that those passes might soon find the hands of a receiver.

Tebortion [tee-barw-shuhn]
noun

1. The act of throwing a football away during a broken play that is no longer deemed desirable to the offense.

Tebort [tee-barwt]
verb -ed

1. To throw an intentional incomplete forward pass.

Example Sentence:

With all his receivers covered, the quarterback simply Teborted the ball into an empty section of the stands where no one would ever find it.

Tebowner [tee-boh-ner]
noun

1. An individual that owns three or more Tim Tebow jerseys, or a family that collectively owns five or more Tim Tebow jerseys.

2. A distinct and measurable physiological response to any Tim Tebow-related stimuli.

Example Sentences:

Jim owns four Tebow jerseys: a regular home and road jersey, a bright orange home alternate, and a throwback. His wife has a women’s Tebow jersey, and he even bought his 10 year-old son a shiny new Tebow jersey for Christmas. Yes, everyone in Jim’s entire family is a proud Tebowner.

Pretty much everyone in the room noticed Randy’s Tebowner amid all the excitement of yesterday’s overtime win against the Vikings, but no one really seemed to mind.

Tebrew [tee-broo]
noun

1. A kind of beer made by Bonfire Brewing in Eagle, CO in honor of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.

2. An Orthodox Jewish fan of Tim Tebow.

Example Sentence:

While I may not agree with his religious beliefs, I am without question a devout Tebrew.

Tebrow [tee-broh]
noun

1. A close friend that loves Tim Tebow at least as much if not more than you do.

Example Sentence:

Jerry and I are Tebrows. We can talk or not talk about how great Tim Tebow is for hours on end. Our relationship is special that way.

—-

Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not out re-inventing the English language, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com


We Are Penn State. We Are Touched.

December 2, 2011

By now you probably know about former Penn State defensive coordinator and alleged pedophile Jerry Sandusky’s autobiography published in 2001, the tragically titled Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story.

Not surprisingly, there has been a steady stream of public outcry directed at Amazon.com to remove the book from its virtual shelves. It’s still out there, by the way. For a mere $250 you can still purchase a copy of the seemingly whitewashed version of Sandusky’s life. At one point you could even get a personally inscribed copy on eBay.

Receiving much less attention since the scandal broke (despite being similarly as ironic) has been the children’s book written by Joe Paterno and his wife Sue entitled We Are Penn State! – which takes place during a typical homecoming weekend. Not sure if “typical” includes a story of how yet another late night man-boy wrestling match was swept under the mat to protect your program’s esteemed image, I guess I’ll have to read it to find out.

But perhaps the real shame is that these books were never marketed as a pair. Imagine if places like Amazon.com had sold these two books together as a set. It might have given us all an earlier clue as to what had been going on behind closed doors all those years.

All together now: I guess you can judge a book by its cover – or in this case books by their covers.

It’s kind of eerie really, like how you can supposedly sync up Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album with the movie The Wizard of Oz.

In the case of Penn State and Sandusky, it’s too bad it took nearly 40 years for someone to look behind the curtain, or more accurately to report what they saw.

—-

Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not out crusading for justice, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com