Death Wish 3: A Mustached Masturdpiece

March 10, 2009

Yes, Death Wish 3 – the third chapter in the famous franchise starring Charles Bronson – contains all the essential elements of a fine feature film: Angry mustached old dudes, bazookas to the face, giggling purse-snatchers, multicultural gangs, reverse mohawks, love for arithmetic, and people falling out of buildings. What more could a person ask for?

Did someone say mustaches? Well, that’s all that’s required for the American Mustache Institute to review a 24 year-old movie.

Even if you don’t have time to read the review because of your damn go-go lifestyle with your fancy McDonald’s lattes and your high-speed dial-up internet and your Bluetooth headpiece that makes everyone want to punch you in the face, at least take the time to view this Death Wish 3 montage of people falling out of buildings. It’s the least you can do; I spent way too much time on it for nobody to watch it.