Missing In Action 2: Another Mustached Masturdpiece

June 19, 2010

The Missing In Action movies represent the most popular franchise in the long and storied career of one Chuck Norris. They were filmed during the 1980’s – a period of time in American history when the nation realized it could have won the Vietnam War if only it had been allowed to pen the script for it.

By sheer coincidence, Missing In Action would probably make for a good title of this blog right about now. It’s in the spirit of this apathy that I give you the American Mustache Institute’s official Mustached Movie Review of Missing In Action 2: The Beginning – a prequel to the more popular and far superior Missing In Action.

Not by coincidence, a more appropriate title for this post would probably be Missing In Humor. But it’s got some nice video clips associated with it. So please, give it a whirl…or not. It’s a free country. Probably.


Death Wish 3: A Mustached Masturdpiece

March 10, 2009

Yes, Death Wish 3 – the third chapter in the famous franchise starring Charles Bronson – contains all the essential elements of a fine feature film: Angry mustached old dudes, bazookas to the face, giggling purse-snatchers, multicultural gangs, reverse mohawks, love for arithmetic, and people falling out of buildings. What more could a person ask for?

Did someone say mustaches? Well, that’s all that’s required for the American Mustache Institute to review a 24 year-old movie.

Even if you don’t have time to read the review because of your damn go-go lifestyle with your fancy McDonald’s lattes and your high-speed dial-up internet and your Bluetooth headpiece that makes everyone want to punch you in the face, at least take the time to view this Death Wish 3 montage of people falling out of buildings. It’s the least you can do; I spent way too much time on it for nobody to watch it.

These Mustaches…Are Making Me Thirsty!!

August 21, 2008

“Friends, Romans, countrymen…lend me your rears.”

Yes, if you enjoyed that spot of thespianism you might want to check out this little piece of web theatre (notice how “theater” is spelled the classy way – that means it’s good).

In it, yours truly portrays a workaholic, chain-smoking news reporter (with a mustache) going through a bitter divorce that somehow manages to uncover the real truth behind the origins of the American Mustache Association (and promptly flubs his one line in doing so by mispronouncing the guy’s name that runs the damn thing).

This scintillating video was to promote the upcoming ‘Stache Bash 2008, the coup de grâce (or cup of grass if you’re stupid) of the mustache community calendar.

If you’d like to see more videos starring the good pirate doctor, you can click on that link I just put back there. Or go to You Tube and search for it yourself. I don’t really care.

Move Over Jason vs. Freddy…Hello Jason vs. Chuck Norris

May 27, 2008

I know now that there is a ultimate purpose in the universe for the existence of on-demand cable movie services. And that is to prevent a magnificent gem of a movie like 1982’s “Silent Rage” from forever fading away into the abyss of obscurity.

As a result, the lucky few too cheap to order HBO and too indiscriminate to stay away from the free slate of darn-near public domain offerings served up by the friendly folks at FLIX On-Demand are allowed to uncover a nugget of wondrous goodness that is this film.

I am not exaggerating in the least when I say that this is quite possibly the greatest film of all time. This is the kind of movie that almost makes you glad you don’t have a wife or girlfriend to prevent you from watching it.

Yes, it’s that good. Or bad. Whatever.

In any event, if you want to know whether or not you too will love “Silent Rage”, you need only ask yourself the following two questions:

1) Do you like horror movies?
2) Do you like Chuck Norris?

If the answer was a resounding “YES” to either question, then put “Silent Rage” on your next order from Netflix or look for it the next time you visit the movie store in your local supermarket and/or truck stop.

Perhaps you would consider simply buying it from a discount web site like HotMovieSale.com. At $2.34, it is well worth the investment. Or you could just watch it for free on FLIX On-Demand like I did.

Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him!
Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him.
Take that, science!

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