Cardinals Hold Tryouts to Find Relievers They Can Trust

June 24, 2011

Plagued by much-publicized bullpen troubles, the St. Louis Cardinals released veteran right-hander Miguel Batista this week.

Anytime Tony La Russa is forced to let go of a 40 year-old reliever allowing nearly two base runners an inning, you know it’s a cry for help from the Cardinals manager.

But it turns out the situation may be more desperate than anyone could have imagined. After blowing far too many late-inning leads this season, the Cardinals have resorted to holding private tryout sessions in order to find some relievers they can trust.

You’d be hard pressed to find any info on these private workout sessions, because in typical close-to-the-vest Cardinals fashion the press and public have been barred from attending. But once again thanks to our far-reaching JSF sources we’ve been able to obtain the following footage:

Apparently the Cardinals are so desperate for relief help they’re contemplating turning to a cheesy, local mortgage lender with a rocket arm but a little rough around the edges, despite being a sharp dresser.

At least La Russa seemed impressed, so that’s a good sign.

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Sometimes When We Punch

June 17, 2011

WBO Welterweight World Champion Manny Pacquiao is a man of many talents. In addition to boxing, the renowned “People’s Champ” is also a congressman in his native Philippines, an actor, and a singer.

And what’s the pound-for-pound best boxer in the world’s favorite song to sing? Why it’s the 1977 ballad “Sometimes When We Touch” by Dan Hill, of course. It’s even been released as a CD/DVD combo, complete with five dance remixes and a Behind the Music-style documentary, minus tales of drug abuse and car crashes:

Now, this is how a politician woos women – not by tweeting nude pictures of yourself holding your junk while facing the bathroom mirror; or humping the maid when she bends over to clean the lint under the refrigerator.

Even so, with a voice resembling a mangled kazoo, I wouldn’t advise Pacquiao to quit his day job. But do you think Dan Hill was going to tell him that? My guess is this whole production was based on Hill not wanting to get his ass kicked.

“You want to sing my song? Sure thing, Mr. Pacquiao. Whatever you want.”

This is not Pacquiao’s first foray into the music business.

Pacquiao CDs

His first CD, “Pacman Punch” was a bomb due to its similarity to “Pacman Fever” by Buckner & Garcia. He followed that up with “Para Sa’yo Ang Laban Na’to, which loosely translated means, “I Will Sing for You or Punch Your Face In. It’s Your Choice.”

Therefore, it’s little surprise that “Sometimes When We Touch” has been his most successful music venture to date. According to JSF sources, it’s even inspired a soon-to-be-released follow-up CD between Pacquiao and Hill.

Sometimes When We Punch

In fact, our crack JSF sources have even obtained a working copy of the chorus lyrics:

And sometimes when we punch
The swelling’s just too much
And I have to treat my eyes with ice

I wanna bash you ‘til you die
‘Til you just fall down and cry
I wanna bash you, ‘til heartbeats in you, subside

True poetry. Just like Pacquiao in the ring.


Longtime Miami Coach Opens 32nd Restaurant in St. Louis, Film at Eleven

June 10, 2011

It’s probably a safe bet that few people under the age of 60 still regularly watch local Sunday night sports shows. Their viewer demographics are similar to pretty much any show in CBS’s primetime lineup that isn‘t “Two and a Half Men“ or “How I Met Your Mother.”

But just like with NCIS, CSI or AARP, those young whippersnappers just don’t know what they’re missing, like hard-hitting interviews with players and coaches pimping their new sports-themed restaurants. Take this enthralling back-and-forth with NFL Hall of Fame coach Don Shula, who recently opened his 32nd restaurant in St. Louis. 

Perhaps the most fascinating part was finding out why Shula chose St. Louis as the 32nd-best spot in the country to put a restaurant. You’d think it was because, well, he already has them in places like Birmingham, Alabama and Providence, Rhode Island – so why the hell not put one in St. Louis? It’s almost as interesting as finding out why a McDonald’s location was chosen.

I was happy to discover that St. Louis was picked because Shula has “always enjoyed St. Louis” and “admired it as a sports town” and that the people here “get hungry.” Hey, we’re not America’s Fattest City seven years running for nothing. We do get pretty damn hungry, as if hunger was a prerequisite for eating anyway.

Besides, after Pujols 5 Westport Grill, Jim Edmonds 15 Steakhouse, Mike Shannon’s Steaks and Seafood, Dierdorf & Hart’s, Ozzie’s Restaurant and Sports Bar, and another million I’m probably forgetting, St. Louis could use another sports-themed restaurant based on a guy that never coached, played, or really even set foot much in St. Louis.

But it’s not just about the food. At Shula’s new restaurant, there will be plenty of cool things on the wall, pictures, footballs, etc. – once again setting it apart from other athletes’ and coaches’ restaurants – mainly because most St. Louisans won’t care about memorabilia from the career of a guy that never played or coached there. 

Imagine the conversations you’ll have while eating your 18 dollar Shula‘s Steak Tips Sandwich. Conversations like “Who the hell is that?” and “My God, there are a lot of pictures of Dan Marino in this place.”

During his all-out local media blitz, Shula talked about another thing St. Louisans could care less about, the NBA Finals.

Yep, Shula is about as excited about the prospect of a Miami Heat championship as he is picking out restaurant location number 33 – coming soon to Biloxi, Mississippi.


Isaac Bruce Looked Up to…Isaac Bruce?

June 3, 2011

Most of us as kids can remember looking up to superstars – be they athletes, entertainers, authors, what have you – and wanting to emulate them and grow up to be like them.

As far as professional athletes go, it would be difficult to think of a better role model for youngsters than former St. Louis Rams wide receiver Isaac Bruce.

Bruce’s philanthropic commitments were once again on display recently when he hosted a free football clinic for kids at a local St. Louis area high school.

There were probably a lot of kids at that clinic that look up to Isaac Bruce and want to emulate him.

But just who did Isaac Bruce look up to as a child? According to the following interview, the answer might not be as simple as you think.

Apparently, Isaac Bruce the child wanted to grow up to be like Isaac Bruce the adult. Which I for one feel is a good thing. It would have been a shame for Isaac Bruce to grow up to be like fellow Rams wide receiver Torry Holt, for example. Not to mention how confusing that would have been for quarterback Kurt Warner, let alone the guy that made the programs.

Also, it seems Isaac Bruce isn’t exactly sure who or what he is. Or maybe he just thinks kids aren’t sure. Is he a cyborg sent from the future to save mankind? An android? A phantom? Geraldo Rivera? A phantom?

Despite our education system’s ever-decreasing test scores, especially in areas like science and math, I’m guessing most kids would be able to correctly identify Isaac Bruce as a human being.

In any event, I think the lesson Isaac Bruce is trying to impart is that kids should pick their role models wisely, not simply emulate someone because they happen to be standing in front of a camera with a microphone in their face. If that were the case, kids might want to grow up to be like someone who’s house was destroyed in a flood, the weatherman, a used car salesman in a cheap suit, or Antoine Dodson.

But it goes beyond that. Youngsters shouldn’t blindly follow any athlete or celebrity.

Just like Isaac Bruce said he did when he was growing up, kids today should “take an opportunity to do some research, dig and do some things and qualities and have them, like Isaac Bruce has.”

And then if you find that they are good people as a whole, like Isaac Bruce, well then you should look up to them. Like Isaac Bruce.

Those are the people Isaac Bruce wanted to be like. And look how he turned out: just like Isaac Bruce.