Slaten Prejudice Unveiled with Fisher Hiring

January 20, 2012

Kevin Slaten recently exposed himself as intolerant, some might even say discriminatory, on his radio show while ruminating over the potential hiring of now St. Louis Rams head coach Jeff Fisher.

What else is new, you say? Well, this time he has betrayed his own people, namely, the mustached American.

A recent caller to his show suggested that Slaten harbors an anti-mustache bias, and that this may be clouding his judgment of Fisher, and then informed Slaten of the St. Louis-based American Mustache Institute, which fights for the rights of mustached Americans.

At first Slaten denied the existence of the AMI, and accused the caller of drinking heavily.  But after receiving a subsequent call from the AMI’s chairman and JSF’s own Dr. Aaron, Slaten backtracked and stated that what he actually said was that he did not believe discrimination against mustached citizens actually exists.

What ensued was a highly logical albeit heated debate. Here now is the audio of the entire incident, so the readers at home can judge for themselves:

Perhaps the most telling point in the exchange was when Slaten admitted to having his own mustache forcibly removed by his then employers at ESPN, thus proving that anti-mustache discrimination does exist, despite his best efforts to deny or belittle the AMI’s endeavors as “15 guys with nothing better to do than sit around and talk about mustaches.” Hardly.

Slaten also lost points for claiming that he was not “any better looking or any uglier” whether he is mustached or clean-shaven. This was in response to Dr. Aaron’s statement that the average person can expect to see a 38 percent increase in looks from a well-groomed mustache, a fact that has been scientifically proven at the AMI through years of extensive research and pillow fighting.

You tell me which picture is 38 percent better looking, or better yet, which picture is 38 percent uglier. The answer is obvious. Clearly, he is much uglier sans mustache, as much as 73 percent uglier in fact.

But I’ll tell you what is ugly – besides Slaten – and that’s the truth. Deny it all he wants: Discrimination against good, honest, hard-working mustached Americans does exist. And Kevin Slaten is living, heavily-breathing proof.

Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not splicing audio to make people look bad, he can be found hanging out with Bruce Pearl. When he’s not doing that, he can be reached at:



Isaac Bruce Looked Up to…Isaac Bruce?

June 3, 2011

Most of us as kids can remember looking up to superstars – be they athletes, entertainers, authors, what have you – and wanting to emulate them and grow up to be like them.

As far as professional athletes go, it would be difficult to think of a better role model for youngsters than former St. Louis Rams wide receiver Isaac Bruce.

Bruce’s philanthropic commitments were once again on display recently when he hosted a free football clinic for kids at a local St. Louis area high school.

There were probably a lot of kids at that clinic that look up to Isaac Bruce and want to emulate him.

But just who did Isaac Bruce look up to as a child? According to the following interview, the answer might not be as simple as you think.

Apparently, Isaac Bruce the child wanted to grow up to be like Isaac Bruce the adult. Which I for one feel is a good thing. It would have been a shame for Isaac Bruce to grow up to be like fellow Rams wide receiver Torry Holt, for example. Not to mention how confusing that would have been for quarterback Kurt Warner, let alone the guy that made the programs.

Also, it seems Isaac Bruce isn’t exactly sure who or what he is. Or maybe he just thinks kids aren’t sure. Is he a cyborg sent from the future to save mankind? An android? A phantom? Geraldo Rivera? A phantom?

Despite our education system’s ever-decreasing test scores, especially in areas like science and math, I’m guessing most kids would be able to correctly identify Isaac Bruce as a human being.

In any event, I think the lesson Isaac Bruce is trying to impart is that kids should pick their role models wisely, not simply emulate someone because they happen to be standing in front of a camera with a microphone in their face. If that were the case, kids might want to grow up to be like someone who’s house was destroyed in a flood, the weatherman, a used car salesman in a cheap suit, or Antoine Dodson.

But it goes beyond that. Youngsters shouldn’t blindly follow any athlete or celebrity.

Just like Isaac Bruce said he did when he was growing up, kids today should “take an opportunity to do some research, dig and do some things and qualities and have them, like Isaac Bruce has.”

And then if you find that they are good people as a whole, like Isaac Bruce, well then you should look up to them. Like Isaac Bruce.

Those are the people Isaac Bruce wanted to be like. And look how he turned out: just like Isaac Bruce.