While You Weren’t Watching: PBA Tournament of Champions

January 27, 2011

With an unprecedented million-dollar purse at stake, literally hundreds of bowling-crazed viewers tuned in over the weekend to watch the 2011 PBA Tournament of Champions.

The massive audience was no doubt the result of the PBA’s long-awaited return to the ABC network after a 14-year absence, as well as the $250,000 winner’s prize–which coincidentally is exactly how much Albert Pujols makes in the time it takes you to stand in line at the restroom at Busch Stadium. And that’s before his new deal.

On the off chance that your remote didn’t run out of batteries last Saturday with the television stuck on ABC, here’s what happened while you weren’t watching:

1) Cinderfella Story:  The TOC’s No. 1 seed was a man by the name of Tom Smallwood, who recently made the impossible climb from unemployed auto worker to professional bowler.  Now, I know what you’re thinking: Unemployed auto workers…bowling? What are the odds?

As you can see, this guy eats pins for breakfast. And paint chips. And the less valuable parts of his action figure collection. And a lot of other things generally deemed hazardous to children.

2) Creative Signs:  Bowling fans are, by nature, an artistic bunch. And nothing brings this out like the time-tested medium of poster board and permanent marker. For example, here’s a fan who, in his own unique way, wanted to show his appreciation to ABC for broadcasting the event:

Not to be outdone, here’s a fan of the aforementioned Smallwood that has truly mastered the art of word play:

There are probably a few porn stars that would disagree, but for the most part this statement rings absolutely true.###MORE###

3) Gratuitous Close-ups of Men’s Asses:  Perhaps no sport provides more male ass action than bowling, and on this day the camera was in love with Finland’s Mika Koivuniemi.

Koivuniemi came one pin shy of a perfect game on his way to winning the TOC and taking home the grand prize, which ended up being slightly less than Cliff Lee’s 2010 World Series loser bonus.

4) Persuasive Commercials:  Okay, I’ll admit it. I had never really given much thought to bowling with the United States Bowling Congress, otherwise known as the USBC. Never had a reason to, until now:

A night out with the guys and plenty of ass in my face? Sign me up!


GrubbHub.net Is Born!

January 24, 2011

You’ve no doubt heard the rumors, and we’re here to confirm: Grubb Hub has a new domain name!

Yes, it only took two and a half years or so, but from here on out, the kind of quality, hard-hitting writing you’ve come to expect will now be delivered to you under the banner of GrubbHub.net.

At this point you might be asking, why not GrubbHub.org? It’s not like you make any money off this endeavor. Or what about GrubbHub.tv? That is how you spend most of your free time, as opposed to say…writing blog posts.

All good points, to which we would reply, “Shut up.”

So go tell your friends, neighbors, and co-workers that your 54th-favorite blog—a mere 50 or so spots behind a blog about pickles—has a new home: GrubbHub.net.

This is the kind of spontaneous publicity, our own domain name, that makes blogs. Things are going to start happening for us NOW.

“Smooth Pickles” Is On the Air

January 22, 2011

The roots of blogging run deep in the Grubb family, all the way back to the days of Billy “The Injun Killer” Grubb and his notorious reign of terror during the Wild West.

So it’s quite natural that other descendants of the Grubb tree feel the need to scratch their blogging itch. With that, I give you the Smooth Pickles Blog. It’s a blog about smooth pickle slices. You know, the kind you can’t buy from the supermarket. Those pickles have ridges. Only restaurants have pickles sliced without the ridges. It’s okay if you never noticed that before, we hadn’t either. I mean, why the hell would you?

Anyway, just because the author makes posts more often than we do here at Grubb Hub does not make it a better blog. It’s not a race.

AMI Ponders Lawsuit Against Baked Bean Maker

January 20, 2011

The American Mustache Institute announced recently that it’s considering a lawsuit against Bush’s Baked Beans for copyright infringement over a commercial that aired primarily during college football telecasts this past season.

The commercial features a golden retriever by the name of Duke that bares a close resemblance to Dr. Aaron Perlut, the esteemed and sexually potent leader of the AMI.

Some say the resemblance is a little too close. In a country rife with frivolous lawsuits, we at Grubb Hub want to commend the AMI, and we sincerely hope they follow through and reconcile this gross injustice.

Tony La Russa Roasted…Vegetarian Style, of course

January 20, 2011

[Please welcome the newest addition to the JoeSportsFan.com contigent, Michael Grubb]

Dean Martin, Don Rickles, Bob Hope, Greg Giraldo, Jeffrey Ross…and Tony La Russa?

Under normal circumstances, Tony La Russa and a sense of humor go together about as well as animal rights and a thick, juicy steak.  Typically you’d need a canister of tear gas to elicit something resembling laughter from the all-too-serious skipper.

But few punches were pulled Sunday at the annual St. Louis chapter BBWAA dinner. Like his crippling phobia of young players. Surely there were some good barbs about that right? Or his general dourness during postgame news conferences, where he often looks as though his third-favorite dog just had to be put down. Probably some real knee slappers there. Then there’s the one about his lineup cards being like snowflakes. No two are ever alike. Ever.

Okay, so maybe some of those didn’t make the final cut. But there were a handful jokes about falling asleep at the wheel. But hey, it was all in good fun. I’m sure Josh Hancock’s family was in stitches.

Most of Tony’s lifelong friends were in attendance, which even included a few bipeds. Friends like fellow baseball manager Jim Leyland, former Indiana basketball coach Bob Knight, and a kangaroo.

At one point, actor and notorious Cardinals suck-up Billy Bob Thornton praised both Knight and La Russa for being old school coaches, saying, “The more chairs Bob throws, the more I love him.”

This prompted Knight to honor Thornton’s words and La Russa by…what else? Throwing a chair.

Later, Knight choked a college kid and berated and physically intimidated a female secretary as part of the gag. All laughed heartily.

Unfortunately, longtime friend Bill Belichick was too busy watching his Patriots get booted from the playoffs by the New York Jets (sorry, I couldn’t resist). Which is too bad, rumor has it that Belichick tells a mean knock-knock joke.

Singer Bruce Hornsby was also unable to make the event. Attending on his behalf was The Range, which had nothing else to do.