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Plagued by much-publicized bullpen troubles, the St. Louis Cardinals released veteran right-hander Miguel Batista this week.

Anytime Tony La Russa is forced to let go of a 40 year-old reliever allowing nearly two base runners an inning, you know it’s a cry for help from the Cardinals manager.

But it turns out the situation may be more desperate than anyone could have imagined. After blowing far too many late-inning leads this season, the Cardinals have resorted to holding private tryout sessions in order to find some relievers they can trust.

You’d be hard pressed to find any info on these private workout sessions, because in typical close-to-the-vest Cardinals fashion the press and public have been barred from attending. But once again thanks to our far-reaching JSF sources we’ve been able to obtain the following footage:

Apparently the Cardinals are so desperate for relief help they’re contemplating turning to a cheesy, local mortgage lender with a rocket arm but a little rough around the edges, despite being a sharp dresser.

At least La Russa seemed impressed, so that’s a good sign.

Just before the trade deadline last July, the St. Louis Cardinals sent popular outfielder Ryan Ludwick to San Diego in a three way deal that netted them pitcher Jake Westbrook from Cleveland.

Although not exactly a hit with fans at the time, general manager John Mozeliak lauded the deal, citing the club’s need to bolster the starting pitching with injuries to Brad Penny and Kyle Lohse.

“We’ve been looking for a quality starting pitcher to add to our rotation for some time,” Mozeliak said shortly after the trade. “Westbrook is someone we’ve had our eyes on for a good period of time.”

Unfortunately, Westbrook has had a rough go of it so far this season. On Wednesday, he got pounded again for seven runs in only three innings of work, raising his ERA to a lofty 7.63.

For his career, the 33 year-old Westbrook is but a sub-.500 pitcher, going 74-76 with a 4.33 ERA in 11 major league seasons.

So exactly which eyes did the Cardinals have on Westbrook all that time? Apparently this was one of them:

Never let it be said that Tony La Russa doesn’t have an eye for talent. It’s just that his eye for talent suffers from conjunctivitis too.

Self-imposed, arbitrary deadlines have come and gone. The regular season has started with a bit of a speed bump to say the least. Cracks in Tony La Russa’s sullen, joyless façade have already started to appear.

What once seemed like the unthinkable to the St. Louis Cardinals and the team’s loyal fans – Albert Pujols wearing his signature Number Five on a uniform other than one comprised of two parts bird and one part bat – has started to slowly creep into the realm of the imaginable.

In fact, there hasn’t been this much buzz over a Number Five since a cute, quirky robot starving for input shared the silver screen with Steven Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy, and later foiled bank robbers in an obligatory yet underappreciated sequel.

Even talk of Albert joining the dreaded Chicago Cubs has started to make a modicum of sense.  I mean, why else would the Cubs sign 32 year-old Carlos Pena to a one-year deal, unless they were hoping to be able to make a run at Pujols the free agent this winter? Everybody knows the Cubs like to overpay for terrible players. Alfonso Soriano in left field makes Chris Duncan look like, well, Shelley Duncan. Just imagine what they would be willing to pay a future Hall-of-Famer still in MVP form?

Come on mang, this can’t be happening, can it? Won’t somebody do something? Please, think of the children!

Actually, somebody has. A local St. Louis group has started a website called SignPujols.org. Its mission:  keep the career of Number Five alive and with the Cardinals.

How do they propose to do this? By selling metal signs featuring a skillfully crafted sketch drawing of Prince Albert with the phrase “Sign Pujols” in big, bold lettering:

The idea is that fans will buy the signs, bring them to the game, or otherwise prominently display them, thus letting Albert know we’d like him to remain a Cardinal. The best part is that all proceeds from sales of the signs go to Albert’s charity, the Pujols Family Foundation.

So buy a sign, cross your finger and pray to Gah, and maybe just maybe, we can get Albert Pujols to stick with St. Louis. Because letting Number Five go to another team, especially the arch-rival Cubs, could very well make the Cardinals look like numskulls for years to come.

[Please welcome the newest addition to the JoeSportsFan.com contigent, Michael Grubb]

Dean Martin, Don Rickles, Bob Hope, Greg Giraldo, Jeffrey Ross…and Tony La Russa?

Under normal circumstances, Tony La Russa and a sense of humor go together about as well as animal rights and a thick, juicy steak.  Typically you’d need a canister of tear gas to elicit something resembling laughter from the all-too-serious skipper.

But few punches were pulled Sunday at the annual St. Louis chapter BBWAA dinner. Like his crippling phobia of young players. Surely there were some good barbs about that right? Or his general dourness during postgame news conferences, where he often looks as though his third-favorite dog just had to be put down. Probably some real knee slappers there. Then there’s the one about his lineup cards being like snowflakes. No two are ever alike. Ever.

Okay, so maybe some of those didn’t make the final cut. But there were a handful jokes about falling asleep at the wheel. But hey, it was all in good fun. I’m sure Josh Hancock’s family was in stitches.

Most of Tony’s lifelong friends were in attendance, which even included a few bipeds. Friends like fellow baseball manager Jim Leyland, former Indiana basketball coach Bob Knight, and a kangaroo.

At one point, actor and notorious Cardinals suck-up Billy Bob Thornton praised both Knight and La Russa for being old school coaches, saying, “The more chairs Bob throws, the more I love him.”

This prompted Knight to honor Thornton’s words and La Russa by…what else? Throwing a chair.

Later, Knight choked a college kid and berated and physically intimidated a female secretary as part of the gag. All laughed heartily.

Unfortunately, longtime friend Bill Belichick was too busy watching his Patriots get booted from the playoffs by the New York Jets (sorry, I couldn’t resist). Which is too bad, rumor has it that Belichick tells a mean knock-knock joke.

Singer Bruce Hornsby was also unable to make the event. Attending on his behalf was The Range, which had nothing else to do.