Nominate, Try Not to Hate, Love Your Mate

September 28, 2010

Do you know what a mustache is? Even better…do you know someone with a mustache? Well, then get out to the American Mustache Institute website and nominate that person for the 2010 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year.

Go ahead, nominate whoever you want. It could be anyone…a teacher, a preacher, a project manager, a woman, a community organizer, someone with a real job…even you! (Seriously, don’t nominate yourself, you self-serving ass.)

Nominate as many times as you like. Nominate until you sprain something. Nominate until you’re about to collapse from exhaustion. Nominate until you’ve been fired from your job, and your wife and children have left you because you just won’t get up from the computer. It really doesn’t matter because the vast majority of your nominations will be ignored! Ignored, I tell you!

Of course I’m kidding. The truth is each nomination is carefully scrutinized by a team of trained nomination experts. Only the freshest and juiciest nominations, hand-picked by migrant workers and carried on foot to our production facility in Ripon, Wisconsin, will be good enough to make the final cut.

The award—handed out at the annual ‘Stache Bash slated for Saturday, December 4th, 2010 in St. Louis, Missouri—recognizes the person or human clone who has best represented, contributed, or has just not done any irreparable damage to the Mustached American community during the past year.

Nominations will only be accepted until Friday, October 8th. After that, you’re Shiite out of luck, Muganda. So put your nominatin’ boots on and get crackin’!

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Vote Brendan Ryan for Mustached American of the Year

October 17, 2009

Cardinal fans, your season is over, and your team was swept like dust bunnies from the garage. It may be too late for the World Series, but it’s not too late to vote for Brendan Ryan as the 2009 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year.

Voting ends Tuesday, which means there’s only three days left. So get out and vote for the man whose dedication to the mustache has meant so much to the cause. And just between you and me, Ryan has a pretty good chance of winning this thing. But if he doesn’t the blame will be yours and yours alone for not voting, you heartless bastard.

Sure, it’s not as important as P. Diddy’s “Vote or Die.” But it’s also not as moronic and annoying. So just get over to that mustache web site and vote already!

And remember, a vote for Brendan Ryan is a vote for change.

Gotcha! We all know that’s a bunch of malarkey. Nothing’s going to change. I was just testing you.