You Can Take the Mask Off Now, Tony

April 29, 2011

Tony La Russa isn’t really a big football fan type. The sport is far too barbaric for an enlightened fellow like the St. Louis Cardinals skipper. I’m guessing he’d be more at home attending an upscale wine tasting or the symphony. As far as bowls go, he’s obviously more Puppy than Super.

Which is why it’s kind of ironic that his daughter, Bianca, recently made the Oakland Raiders cheerleading squad.

Raiders fans are notorious for taking barbarism to a whole new level. Nothing exemplifies this more than the costume-clad weirdos that make up the Black Hole, a designated  area of the Coliseum occupied by the team’s rowdiest (read: dumbest) fans.

However, according to JSF sources, Tony has been getting into the Raiders spirit since Bianca became a Raiderette, even going as far as reserving a spot in the Black Hole so he can watch his daughter cheer in person. Of course, this requires he don a scary costume and mask. Thankfully, in light of recent events and diseases, this shouldn’t be a problem.

This is the father of an NFL cheerleader? Really? All things considered though, it’s a good thing La Russa is only a fan of the Raiderettes and not their manager. Otherwise, given his well-known preference for veterans over youth, you might get a cheerleading squad that looks something like this:

Although at four feet 10 inches tall, Estelle Getty is a prime candidate for a middle infield spot. Just ask Aaron Miles, Mike Gallego, César Izturis, and Nick Punto.


Cardinals Had an Eye on Jake Westbrook All Along

April 22, 2011

Just before the trade deadline last July, the St. Louis Cardinals sent popular outfielder Ryan Ludwick to San Diego in a three way deal that netted them pitcher Jake Westbrook from Cleveland.

Although not exactly a hit with fans at the time, general manager John Mozeliak lauded the deal, citing the club’s need to bolster the starting pitching with injuries to Brad Penny and Kyle Lohse.

“We’ve been looking for a quality starting pitcher to add to our rotation for some time,” Mozeliak said shortly after the trade. “Westbrook is someone we’ve had our eyes on for a good period of time.”

Unfortunately, Westbrook has had a rough go of it so far this season. On Wednesday, he got pounded again for seven runs in only three innings of work, raising his ERA to a lofty 7.63.

For his career, the 33 year-old Westbrook is but a sub-.500 pitcher, going 74-76 with a 4.33 ERA in 11 major league seasons.

So exactly which eyes did the Cardinals have on Westbrook all that time? Apparently this was one of them:

Never let it be said that Tony La Russa doesn’t have an eye for talent. It’s just that his eye for talent suffers from conjunctivitis too.

Trump Practices Driving Indy 500 Pace Car

April 15, 2011

Last week Donald Trump was selected to drive the pace car for the Indianapolis 500. Trump will lead the field of drivers for year’s 100th anniversary race in a 2011 Chevrolet Camaro Convertible.

That’s right, a convertible. This for the man notorious for having the world’s worst comb over. Under normal circumstances, billionaires and convertible sports cars go together like Gary Busey and scaring small children.

But when you’ve got a hairdo shaped like a Dairy Queen sundae, this presents a problem.

Before you start thinking this whole thing has disaster written all over it, keep in mind Trump is treating the assignment very seriously. According to reports, he’s been preparing for the May 29th event by taking numerous practice laps around Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

In a JSF exclusive, our crack staff has obtained aerial photos of the Donald squaring off against his arch nemesis, the convertible; and to a lesser extent, wind.

This first photo exclusive shows Trump as he starts to pick up some speed. At this point, the ten freakishly long hairs on his head are still holding up fairly well.

Unfortunately, it’s just the start of his practice run. As the driver of the official pace car of the Indianapolis 500, the real estate mogul and star of NBC‘s “Celebrity Apprentice” can expect to reach speeds of up to 140 miles per hour.

This can create what is known as a “wind tunnel” effect, a condition where winds swirl at a very high velocity, essentially forming a cyclone.

At extremely high speeds of over 200 miles per hour, commonly referred to in the industry as ludicrous speed, metabolic changes to the hair can occur, causing strange and often unpredictable side effects.

No matter what happens though, you can be sure that daughter Ivanka and son Donald Jr. will be at their father’s side, nodding incessantly in approval to everything he says or does.

Effort to Sign Number Five Is Not Malfunction

April 8, 2011

Self-imposed, arbitrary deadlines have come and gone. The regular season has started with a bit of a speed bump to say the least. Cracks in Tony La Russa’s sullen, joyless façade have already started to appear.

What once seemed like the unthinkable to the St. Louis Cardinals and the team’s loyal fans – Albert Pujols wearing his signature Number Five on a uniform other than one comprised of two parts bird and one part bat – has started to slowly creep into the realm of the imaginable.

In fact, there hasn’t been this much buzz over a Number Five since a cute, quirky robot starving for input shared the silver screen with Steven Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy, and later foiled bank robbers in an obligatory yet underappreciated sequel.

Even talk of Albert joining the dreaded Chicago Cubs has started to make a modicum of sense.  I mean, why else would the Cubs sign 32 year-old Carlos Pena to a one-year deal, unless they were hoping to be able to make a run at Pujols the free agent this winter? Everybody knows the Cubs like to overpay for terrible players. Alfonso Soriano in left field makes Chris Duncan look like, well, Shelley Duncan. Just imagine what they would be willing to pay a future Hall-of-Famer still in MVP form?

Come on mang, this can’t be happening, can it? Won’t somebody do something? Please, think of the children!

Actually, somebody has. A local St. Louis group has started a website called Its mission:  keep the career of Number Five alive and with the Cardinals.

How do they propose to do this? By selling metal signs featuring a skillfully crafted sketch drawing of Prince Albert with the phrase “Sign Pujols” in big, bold lettering:

Sign Pujols Sign

The idea is that fans will buy the signs, bring them to the game, or otherwise prominently display them, thus letting Albert know we’d like him to remain a Cardinal. The best part is that all proceeds from sales of the signs go to Albert’s charity, the Pujols Family Foundation.

So buy a sign, cross your finger and pray to Gah, and maybe just maybe, we can get Albert Pujols to stick with St. Louis. Because letting Number Five go to another team, especially the arch-rival Cubs, could very well make the Cardinals look like numskulls for years to come.

Snapshots of the Barry Bonds Perjury Trial

April 1, 2011

The trial of Barry Bonds is well underway, with baseball’s all-time home run king (cough) being charged with perjury and obstruction of justice for lying under oath to a grand jury in the 2003 BALCO case.

There for every juicy detail along the way has been the USA Today, which has published one, sometimes two, articles every day since before the trial even started.

In addition to the extensive story coverage, the USA Today Snapshot® has also been zeroing in on the Bonds perjury trial. As anyone that has read the publication knows, the USA Today Snapshots® are those visually appealing graphics that appear at the bottom left on the cover of every section, presenting information on a topic in a straightforward and easy-to-understand way.

For example, just this week an article ran that reported on the testimony of San Francisco Giants equipment manager Mike Murphy, who said that Bonds hat size increased noticeably from one year to the next. That same day, this Snapshot® appeared on the cover of the USA today sports section, at least it did in the USA Today we picked up.  Then again, maybe we got a one-of-a-kind edition:

Perhaps the most sensational testimony so far has come from longtime mistress Kimberly Bell, who testified that Bonds went through dramatic body changes in the early 2000’s, saying, “The shape, size of his testicles, (they were) smaller and a different shape. And he had trouble keeping an erection. He tried to solve the problem. He had never experienced that.”

When questioned at length by prosecutors, Bell went into great detail on the subject of Bonds’ sexual dysfunction. The graphic artists at the USA Today later capitalized on the extensive testimony to create this Snapshot®:

Bell also gave heart-wrenching testimony about Bonds’ fits of rage due to prolonged steroid use, saying that he often told her, “That he would cut my head off and leave it in a ditch.” As anyone that regularly follows it knows, baseball is a game of statistics. Digging deep into the vast MLB statistical archives, the USA Today came up with this Snapshot®:

For those that want to follow an ongoing story like the Bonds’ trial, but perhaps find the fourth-grade reading level of the USA too difficult to understand, or simply don’t have the time to read an entire article from beginning to end, the USA Today Snapshot® has long been an effective and efficient tool for staying up to date on current events and issues.