The Word of Tebow

December 16, 2011

You can question his arm, and you can question his footwork, but you simply cannot question the fact that Tim Tebow has taken the NFL and the entire country by storm following a streak of seven wins in eight starts, each triumph seemingly more unbelievable than the last.

Just examine if you will one tiny slice of the Tebow phenomenon, that being the impact it’s having on the American lexicon.

According to a report on the USA Today’s website, the word Tebowing has now officially been recognized by the Global Language Monitor.

But it doesn’t stop there. After doing a little research, I’ve discovered that the root word Tebow is now only exceeded in number and variation of applications by the word smurf, which of course can basically be smurfed for anything.

So let’s take a look at the word Tebow and a small sample of its many uses. The definitions below are presented as they will no doubt soon appear in Webster’s Dictionary after Tim Tebow takes over the planet and enslaves us all, complete with example sentences so that you may learn how to use them in your everyday conversations.

Tebowing [tee-boh-ing]
noun

1. The act of taking a knee in prayer during an athletic contest, most often seen in North American football after scoring the team’s lone offensive touchdown of the game.

Example Sentence:

Mark and his teammates began Tebowing with each other in the back of the end zone after Mark crossed the goal line to win his fraternity’s intermural flag football game 7-0 in overtime.

Tebow Time [tee-boh-tahym]
noun

1. In North American football terms, the time of the game, typically encompassing the final minutes of the fourth quarter as well as overtime, when a defense abandons the strategies that have thus far limited the opposing offense to little or no points in favor of a generic, relaxed defense designed to surrender yards in huge chunks.

2. In general terms, any time spent thinking about, reflecting upon, or consuming media coverage of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.

Example Sentence:

After a long, stressful day at work, George flipped the TV to “SportsCenter” and plopped down on the couch for some much-deserved Tebow Time.

Tebowmania [tee-boh-mey-nee-yuh]
noun

1. A mental condition that causes those afflicted to lose all perspective and sense of NFL history. It is often accompanied by giving credit to Tim Tebow for all things, even those that he had nothing to do with, such as a defensive touchdown or a very long field goal.

In more advanced stages it can also lead to disorientation. In rare cases, voluntary alopecia areata can occur.

Example Sentences:

Suffering from an acute onset of Tebowmania, Marion Barber inexplicably ran out of bounds instead of simply running out the clock and ending the game.

Amanda’s Tebowmania has her convinced that Tim Tebow will become the first option quarterback ever to win a Super Bowl, despite 45 years of evidence suggesting otherwise.

Tebowchery [tee-baw-chuh-ree]

noun, plural -er·ies.

1. Excessive indulgence in Tim Tebow-related pleasures or sensations, such as beating a reeling Chicago Bears team 13-10 in overtime without its star running back Matt Forte and quarterback Jay Cutler.

2. An act or outward demonstration of piousness, caring, humility, or selflessness.

Example Sentence:

Kim thoroughly enjoyed a nice Saturday evening of Tebowchery when she helped perform a puppet show to entertain the residents of a local nursing home. Earlier in the night, she also made a large donation of clothes and toys to Goodwill.

Tebowtion [tee-boh-shuhn]
noun

1. Profound dedication to and unwavering belief in the abilities of Tim Tebow, often accompanied by extreme loyalty no matter the situation.

Example Sentence:

Despite throwing for 45 yards on 2-of-19 passing through three-and-a-half quarters, Harold’s Tebowtion never waned, and he began quietly Tebowing in the middle of his living room that those passes might soon find the hands of a receiver.

Tebortion [tee-barw-shuhn]
noun

1. The act of throwing a football away during a broken play that is no longer deemed desirable to the offense.

Tebort [tee-barwt]
verb -ed

1. To throw an intentional incomplete forward pass.

Example Sentence:

With all his receivers covered, the quarterback simply Teborted the ball into an empty section of the stands where no one would ever find it.

Tebowner [tee-boh-ner]
noun

1. An individual that owns three or more Tim Tebow jerseys, or a family that collectively owns five or more Tim Tebow jerseys.

2. A distinct and measurable physiological response to any Tim Tebow-related stimuli.

Example Sentences:

Jim owns four Tebow jerseys: a regular home and road jersey, a bright orange home alternate, and a throwback. His wife has a women’s Tebow jersey, and he even bought his 10 year-old son a shiny new Tebow jersey for Christmas. Yes, everyone in Jim’s entire family is a proud Tebowner.

Pretty much everyone in the room noticed Randy’s Tebowner amid all the excitement of yesterday’s overtime win against the Vikings, but no one really seemed to mind.

Tebrew [tee-broo]
noun

1. A kind of beer made by Bonfire Brewing in Eagle, CO in honor of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.

2. An Orthodox Jewish fan of Tim Tebow.

Example Sentence:

While I may not agree with his religious beliefs, I am without question a devout Tebrew.

Tebrow [tee-broh]
noun

1. A close friend that loves Tim Tebow at least as much if not more than you do.

Example Sentence:

Jerry and I are Tebrows. We can talk or not talk about how great Tim Tebow is for hours on end. Our relationship is special that way.

—-

Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not out re-inventing the English language, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

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Adam Dunn and the Race for .178

August 4, 2011

With baseball’s dog days of August squarely upon us, history is in the making. And people are starting to stand up and take notice.

Less than two months are left in baseball’s 2011 edition, and Chicago White Sox outfielder Adam Dunn has a chance to break the all-time modern day record for lowest batting average in a season for a player with enough at bats to qualify for the batting title, a mark set by former Detroit Tigers outfielder Rob Deer, who hit a putrid .179 in 1991.

Yes, the record many thought would never be broken is now suddenly within reach. If you ask Dunn though, all the hype and media attention surrounding “The Race for .178” is a bit premature.

“It’s too early to start talking about (the record) just yet,” Dunn said. “I don’t want to jinx it. My goal all along was to get to September and hopefully my batting average would be no higher than .170. If that happens, then I’ll start to feel like I’ve got a legitimate shot.”

Dunn enters today’s play hitting just .166. However, with two hits in his last six at bats, his average has risen four points in the last two games.

“Sometimes that’s just how it goes,” said Dunn. “You try to get out there, take it one day at a time and put some really horrible at bats together. Sometimes the ball just finds a hole. It’s probably dumb luck more than anything, really.”

To his credit, Deer, the reigning Lowest Batting Average King – who also had a career average of .220 in 11 major league seasons – has been supportive of Dunn’s quest, even lending him advice at times.

“It was more difficult than you’d think, finding a way to not get hits day after day,” Deer said recently in an interview with the Detroit Free Press. “For me, it was often easier if I just struck out. If you actually make contact, there’s always the off chance you could hit it somewhere a fielder isn’t standing.”

Deer struck out a phenomenal 175 times during his epic season in 448 at bats, a 39 percent clip. Dunn has been even more productive in that department, thus far whiffing 138 times in just 316 at bats, not making contact with the ball nearly 44 percent of the time.

As expected, the White Sox organization and fans are 100 percent committed to Dunn and his shot at history, even if it’s to the detriment of the rest of the team.

“We plan to keep Dunn in the lineup every day, no matter how many games it costs us,” said White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. “Of course Adam won’t come out and say it, but we know how much this record means to him. Plus, the guys really get up for this. Everybody wants to be a part of history.”

“The fans have been great, really supportive,” added Dunn. “Every time I make another out, they get really loud and start yelling things. You can tell they’re fired up about it.”

Unfortunately, whenever a prestigious batting record has a chance of being broken, the subject of performance-enhancing drugs rises to the forefront.

Recently, an Associated Press reporter noticed some suspicious-looking bottles on top of Dunn’s locker. When questioned about this, Dunn said, “Yeah, I’ve been drowning my sorrows with a 12-pack of Schlitz every night. That seems to do the trick.”

For his historic efforts, Dunn will make $12 million this year, and is signed through 2014, when he tops out at $15 million.


Snapshots of the Barry Bonds Perjury Trial

April 1, 2011

The trial of Barry Bonds is well underway, with baseball’s all-time home run king (cough) being charged with perjury and obstruction of justice for lying under oath to a grand jury in the 2003 BALCO case.

There for every juicy detail along the way has been the USA Today, which has published one, sometimes two, articles every day since before the trial even started.

In addition to the extensive story coverage, the USA Today Snapshot® has also been zeroing in on the Bonds perjury trial. As anyone that has read the publication knows, the USA Today Snapshots® are those visually appealing graphics that appear at the bottom left on the cover of every section, presenting information on a topic in a straightforward and easy-to-understand way.

For example, just this week an article ran that reported on the testimony of San Francisco Giants equipment manager Mike Murphy, who said that Bonds hat size increased noticeably from one year to the next. That same day, this Snapshot® appeared on the cover of the USA today sports section, at least it did in the USA Today we picked up.  Then again, maybe we got a one-of-a-kind edition:

Perhaps the most sensational testimony so far has come from longtime mistress Kimberly Bell, who testified that Bonds went through dramatic body changes in the early 2000’s, saying, “The shape, size of his testicles, (they were) smaller and a different shape. And he had trouble keeping an erection. He tried to solve the problem. He had never experienced that.”

When questioned at length by prosecutors, Bell went into great detail on the subject of Bonds’ sexual dysfunction. The graphic artists at the USA Today later capitalized on the extensive testimony to create this Snapshot®:

Bell also gave heart-wrenching testimony about Bonds’ fits of rage due to prolonged steroid use, saying that he often told her, “That he would cut my head off and leave it in a ditch.” As anyone that regularly follows it knows, baseball is a game of statistics. Digging deep into the vast MLB statistical archives, the USA Today came up with this Snapshot®:

For those that want to follow an ongoing story like the Bonds’ trial, but perhaps find the fourth-grade reading level of the USA too difficult to understand, or simply don’t have the time to read an entire article from beginning to end, the USA Today Snapshot® has long been an effective and efficient tool for staying up to date on current events and issues.


Cutler Knee to Meet Same Fate as Bartman Ball

February 3, 2011

A group of Chicago Bears fans have announced plans to detonate the knee of quarterback Jay Cutler during an upcoming charity event. This comes in the wake of the recent debacle that unfolded in the NFC Championship game, which saw the Bears lose to hated rival Green Bay and Cutler leave the game due to what many thought was a questionable injury.

All proceeds from the event–to be held February 26 at Mike Ditka’s restaurant in downtown Chicago–will go to benefit No Limb-Its, a local charity that supports those who have lost arms and legs in unexplained fireworks accidents.  In order to give potential donors an idea of what to expect, the group released this photo depicting the fate awaiting Cutler’s left knee:

According to Steve Kowalski, a member of the group organizing the event, the main purpose of exploding of Cutler’s knee is to rid the Bears of any potential curse that might be lingering as a result of NFC Championship loss.

“I know I’ll sleep easier at night knowing we blew up his knee,” said Kowalski. “Better to be safe than sorry, you know?”

Another organizer, Bob Kowalczyk, said the public detonation presents an opportunity for Cutler to prove his toughness to Bears fans, which was thrown into question after he left in the second half of the NFC Championship with a Grade II MCL sprain, essentially the same as an MCL tear.

“This way, the knee will be sufficiently injured to every Bears fan’s satisfaction,” Kowalczyk went on to say. “Nobody in their right mind would ever question the toughness of someone coming back from their knee being exploded by dynamite.”

However, Hall of Fame defensive end Jack Youngblood remained unimpressed. Appearing on a nationally syndicated sports radio show, Youngblood said he played the entire second half of the 1976 season on an exploded knee, including the playoffs. According to Youngblood, he received a cortisone injection prior to each game, and also used a brace.

When approached by reporters this week, Cutler seemed indifferent to the idea of having his knee blown up.

“If it helps my team win, I’ll do it,” Cutler said while staring at a discoloration in the floor. “I mean, whatever. I don’t really care. I’m just looking forward to next season, I guess.”

The publicity stunt is eerily reminiscent of what happened to the infamous Steve Bartman ball in February of 2004, when it was obliterated on live television at Harry Caray’s restaurant in downtown Chicago following the Cubs loss in the NLCS:

At the time, the Bartman ball incident was the most recent in a long line of such incidents cited by Cubs fans as to why the team has not won a World Series since 1908. In fact, it quickly became the most notorious of these incidents, surpassing that of extremely terrible baseball at inopportune moments.

The Bears have experienced a championship drought of their own, not having won a Super Bowl since the 1985 season.


The Red (Headed) Man Can Get Ahead Too, Man

January 30, 2009

No, sad to say we’re still waiting for the days when that form of discrimination has been eradicated. As long as women still pine for tall, dark and handsome, as long as and the red of head are portrayed as freckle-faced four eyes in the mass media, it will unfortunately have a place in our society. My father used to always tell me, “There’s no way this country would elect a red-headed president.” Kind of like what this guy said.

Well, as of this evening, the country has proven my old man right. And we definitely are the better for it.

Speaking of discrimination, the American Mustache Institute is an organization dedicated to fighting for the rights of the repressed and downtrodden mustached American.

If you’d like to read more uplifting words of inspiration, check out the latest post from the AMI blog. And if you can make any sense of what it says, I think you will be better for it too.


Sparty the Spartan: Evil Mascot

January 21, 2009


Did you know that Michigan State University, one of the most esteemed and respected public universities in the world, has a mascot that is a member of a specific ethnic group?

I was watching last Saturday’s disappointing 63-57 loss by the Fighting Illini to then tenth-ranked Michigan State when I noticed something rather alarming.

I just kept thinking to myself, this can’t possibly be. I had to rewind my TiVo just to make sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me. In this day and age, you just don’t think this kind of thing is possible. I mean, did we not inaugurate Barack Obama as the 44th president of the United States today? Kind of makes you take for granted that we have progressed past this kind of bigotry as a society. But no, when ESPN came back from commercial after a timeout, there he was. I could hardly believe my eyes.

His name…is Sparty the Spartan. He looks like this:

Sparty the Spartan (File Photo)

Sparty the Spartan (File Photo)

With his Popeye-like arms, horribly oversized head, and generally dopey look on his face – clearly he is a caricature of the well-known civilization from ancient Greece.

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Owner of a Lonely Mustache

August 17, 2008

If you’re mustached, non-mustached, or otherwise and struggling to find that special someone, you might want to check out this helpful post, brought to you by the friendly folks at the American Mustache Institute, entitled How to Get a Date.

How to Get a Date

When you’re nearly middle-aged, hopelessly single, tragically bare-lipped, and sadly spend more of your free time writing on mustache blogs than on dates, you’ll take all the advice on meeting the ladies you can get.

If you’re like me, and every day that slips through your fingers makes you grow incrementally fearful of dying alone in a bed of some wretched government nursing home in a pile of your own filth, having no one to attend your funeral, and being buried in a cheap pine box deep within an abandoned coal mine, you might want to check out the following helpful pointers on meeting that special someone to share your life with.

They’re brought to you by the fabulous “Foxy Life” gals Elycia Rubin and Rita Mauceri. You remember them, don’t you? Their blog, which focuses on a variety of subjects from social trends to the culinary arts, is emerging as must-read material for the inherently barbarian male, mustached or otherwise.

Their piece below, entitled 5 Ways to Amp Up Your Single Sex Appeal, offers some helpful tips on how to attract that special someone (and cling onto them for dear life).

get more Grubb…