Ted Turner on Global Warming: Eat Me

Appearing on the April 1st episode of “The Charlie Rose Show” on PBS, billionaire media mogul and cable network pioneer, Ted Turner, predicted a litany of dire consequences facing a future planet Earth ravaged by the effects of global warming.

The most notable among the many perils foretold by Turner, founder of channels such as CNN and Superstation WTBS, was a breakout of widespread cannibalism across the globe due to a halt in food production.

Ted Turner on Future Cannibalism

“It will be eight degrees hotter in 10 – well not 10 – but in 30 or 40 years,” said Turner. “And basically none of the crops will grow, most of the people will have died, and the rest of us will be cannibals.

“Civilization will have broken down. What few people will be left will be living in a failed state like Somalia or Sudan.”

Turner would say later in the interview that the few people left to inhabit the Earth after all the impending catastrophe and chaos would be “merely a few inches tall, have blue skin (a result of the Sun’s ultraviolet rays), and all of the female gender will die except for one. The remaining survivors will be males, making it very difficult for this new race of mutant people to reproduce.”

“In fact, only one offspring will be born at a time, and this will only occur during a rare astronomical phenomenon referred to by the primitive people as a Blue Moon,” Turner continued. “However, the actual method of procreation to be used by this new race of people remains somewhat of a mystery to me.”

Future Man
Ted Turner’s sketches depicting the likeness of
the post-global warming man.

Turner also claims that the linguistic capability of the future man will become extremely limited. All languages as we know them today will break down into one very simple dialect resembling primitive English. It is likely that a single word could have many different meanings based on the context in which it is used.

In addition to cannibalism and tiny blue men with limited verbal capacity, Turner steadfastly warned that the world would be whisked back to a pre-civilized era where “the only Major League baseball teams on television will be the Atlanta Braves and the Chicago Cubs. And the Cubs games will only be televised during the day when everyone is at work.”

Despite its fervent backing of global warming-related causes, ironically, Turner asserted that the city of Hollywood will not be spared a harrowing demise. Turner predicted the great Mecca of the entertainment industry will be destroyed in a massive earthquake and resulting wildfire.

In the aftermath of the devastation, only six feature-length films will be salvageable, the most popular of these being ‘Shawshank Redemption’ starring Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman and ‘Legally Blonde’ with Reese Witherspoon.

According to Turner, these six movies will be played in a never ending loop, and will start five minutes after the hour to give people extra time to get in front of their television sets due to an extreme shortage of working clocks. The movies will also be edited for content and unfortunately will contain commercial interruption.

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2 Responses to Ted Turner on Global Warming: Eat Me

  1. Scott says:

    It’s good to know that in a bleak dark smurfic future, TBS and TNT will continue to operate and bring us the kind of quality programming we’ve come to expect.

  2. The Rube says:

    Ditto Scott, although one can never get enough “Shawshank Redemption.”

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