While welcoming Eve Ensler, author of the famous “Vagina Monologues” play, at a news conference to promote the upcoming “V-Day” celebration in New Orléans, the city’s mayor Ray Nagin proudly proclaimed himself to be a “vagina-friendly mayor”.
“I am in,” said Nagin about vaginas at the event. “When it comes to vaginas, that is. I am definitely in.”
As it turns out, even Mayor Nagin did not realize just exactly how far in he really was. That’s because recently Nagin was bestowed the honor of America’s “Most Vagina-Friendly Politician” of 2007 by an organization known as the Voices of the United League of Vaginas of America, or V.U.L.V.A., which hands out the award each year to the most vagina-friendly politician based on a variety of factors.
“Far be it from me to ever be anything but downright hospitable to a vagina,” said a proud Nagin from his office in New Orleans after learning he had won the coveted award. “I’ve always had an affinity for vaginas of all kinds – young and old, all shapes, sizes, colors, and creeds.
“Hell, I really don’t care. I’ve got absolutely no predilections whatsoever when it comes to vaginas. In fact, if there’s anything I like more than a vagina – it’s two vaginas.”
Before enjoying his current brush with fame for his deep fondness of vaginas, Nagin was thrust into the national spotlight as the mayor of New Orleans during a time of one of the country’s greatest national disasters of all time, Hurricane Katrina.
“You know, it’s funny, the two things Ray Nagin is known for is vaginas and hurricanes,” he said. “If you think about it, a hurricane is sort of like a vagina.”
“First of all, a hurricane is shaped like a vagina, sort of. And it kind of changes shape over time, like one of those amoebas or paramecium doohickeys.”
“And it can be very, very powerful when it rubs ashore. I mean, it was just a mess around here for a while. Well, y’all saw the Mike Wallace show. And once it’s gone though, it’s all wet and there’s a very distinct smell that lingers, kind of like crawfish gumbo. Kind of makes you hungry when you think about it.”
The bottom line for the mayor: “When you think of vaginas, think of Ray Nagin.”
In related news, Senator Larry Craig (R – Idaho) somewhat begrudgingly accepted the “Most Penis-Friendly Politician” of 2007. Craig won in a landslide vote that saw him convincingly beat off all other major national politicians, according to the group that hands out the award, the Stalwart Team of Impenetrable Federated Fellas of Yore, or S.T.I.F.F.Y.
“What? It doesn’t mean I’m gay, dammit!” said Craig during his acceptance speech while taking the award from behind a podium and in front of an audience of onlookers. Fittingly, the award is bronzed and phallic-shaped.
“However, I will grant you that I’ve never met a penis I didn’t like,” said Craig, who for a brief moment seemed to let his guard down. “They’re kind of a like a little puppy dog, always so excited and happy to see you.”
“I mean, everybody likes cute little puppy dogs, right? Who doesn’t like puppy dogs? All right, that’s enough! Quit staring at me! You all make me sick! I hate you!”
A major factor in Craig winning the vote for the esteemed award was based upon his demonstrated willingness to exhibit friendliness to penises in many different positions of socioeconomic status, even if they happened to be attached to complete strangers.
“But that doesn’t mean I’m gay,” Craig asserted. “Clearly, I am absolutely, positively, without a doubt, 100 percent straight. What? What the hell are you all looking at? I’ve got a trick knee. Sometimes it involuntarily makes my feet tap the floor.”
“There you all go, staring at me again,” Craig went on to say. “Can’t a guy have a trick knee without feeling your piercing stares? They’re like daggers to my heart! I hate you all so very much! But thank you again for this award. I really appreciate it.”