Owner of a Lonely Mustache

If you’re mustached, non-mustached, or otherwise and struggling to find that special someone, you might want to check out this helpful post, brought to you by the friendly folks at the American Mustache Institute, entitled How to Get a Date.

How to Get a Date

When you’re nearly middle-aged, hopelessly single, tragically bare-lipped, and sadly spend more of your free time writing on mustache blogs than on dates, you’ll take all the advice on meeting the ladies you can get.

If you’re like me, and every day that slips through your fingers makes you grow incrementally fearful of dying alone in a bed of some wretched government nursing home in a pile of your own filth, having no one to attend your funeral, and being buried in a cheap pine box deep within an abandoned coal mine, you might want to check out the following helpful pointers on meeting that special someone to share your life with.

They’re brought to you by the fabulous “Foxy Life” gals Elycia Rubin and Rita Mauceri. You remember them, don’t you? Their blog, which focuses on a variety of subjects from social trends to the culinary arts, is emerging as must-read material for the inherently barbarian male, mustached or otherwise.

Their piece below, entitled 5 Ways to Amp Up Your Single Sex Appeal, offers some helpful tips on how to attract that special someone (and cling onto them for dear life).

Admittedly, their suggestions can at times prove a bit confusing or unclear, so I’ve added some clarifications and observations (in italics) that should no doubt enhance the benefit you’ll receive from the gals’ words of wisdom. Enjoy.

Put Yourself Out There – If you’re single and looking for someone special, start by RSVP’ing yes to any and all social invitations. The further they are outside your usual circle of buddies, the better. Any gathering — weddings and co-ed showers to dinner parties, barbecues, or even after-work drinks — can be a great place to land a date.

(As a general rule, the more desperate you appear to be invited to parties, the more it seems like you have no friends of your own, the more women will flock to you. Haven’t you seen “Wedding Crashers”? Those guys got all kinds of tail. If all else fails, start inviting yourself to gatherings. Private party room? Not anymore. What’s going on, new friends!! So…who wants to go on a date with me?)

Body Language – Unspoken cues are crucial. Check yourself every so often to make sure you’re not sending out a “don’t come near me” vibe.  You want to communicate that you’re friendly and open to conversation. It may sound silly, but these details make all the difference:

– Keep your arms uncrossed. (In addition, put down any crucifixes you might be holding up.)

– Maintain a relaxed, casual stance. (Preferably a good solid three-point stance, such as that of a defensive end. Make sure all the weight is on the balls of your feet, so that you can dart quickly to the side when all the women overcome with lust inevitably try to bum rush you.)

– Try keeping a subtle smile on your lips (If you’re not smiling at all times, everyone will know you’re a sour puss. And then who’s gonna love you? Not me. Is that what you want? Well…is it?)

– Make eye contact. Lots of it. Being inviting to someone you don’t know can feel strange, but it’s the only way to find out if you want to know them. (Yes, so much eye contact to the point where it feels strange. Sounds about right. Let your piercing stare burn a hole in her blouse. If she hasn’t called security by now, you’re in like Flynn.)

Opening Lines – Now comes the tricky part, how to introduce yourself. Simple conversation starters that don’t feel cheesy (or too obvious) include:

– How do you know so-and-so (the host)?

(I don’t know who this “so-and-so” is, but it’s obvious that he could be your primary competition for the girl in question. Badmouth him at every opportunity. Also, demonstrate your physical superiority to this “so-and-so” by lifting heavy objects right in front of her.)

– Or at a buffet, “Have you tried the pasta? How is it?”

(Or perhaps a subtle joke in this situation to break the ice like, “So…looks like you’re back for thirds already, huh? I’m surprised they haven’t run out of plates by now. I’m just kidding, you’re gorgeous.” Remember, people like self-deprecating humor, especially when it’s at their expense.)

Don’t make the mistake of being loud to attract attention (even a loud laugh can be downright annoying). Part of the trick is to be a bit restrained, yet alluring.

(Mumbling paranoid nonsense to yourself in the corner or making soft purring sounds like a kitten will surely grab the girls’ attention, but in a very subtle and alluring way, which is desirable. After all, my friend, the days of clubbing a woman over the head and dragging her back to the cave are nearly over, aren’t they?)

Escape Plan – It’s easier to start up a conversation when you know you have the power to end it at any time. Simple ways to politely walk away from someone you aren’t vibing with include:

– “Forgive me, it’s been nice to talk with you but a friend of mine, who I haven’t seen in ages, just walked in…”

(…over there, by the stage next to the dance floor. No, on the other side, behind the speakers. You can’t see him right now, but trust me, he’s over there. Well, I hope that thing you’re getting checked out comes back negative. It’s been real. Peace out.)

– “If you’ll excuse me, I have to run to the restroom…”

(Just to be safe, you might try this addendum, “…I have abhorrent diarhea and hemorrhoids that just won’t quit. Tell everyone not to go near the men’s room from for at least 15 minutes. And please, pray for me, won’t you?”)

– Grab your cell phone and say, “I’m sorry, I’m getting a call…” (Your phone could be on silent or vibrate, they’ll never know.)

(If you don’t own a cell phone, instead grab a bread roll from the nearest table and pretend it’s your phone. Not only will she think you’re important because you’re taking phone calls in public on your fancy bread phone, she’ll also likely think you’re insane.)

Kindness is good karma. You never know when that cute guy or girl you’ve been eyeing may be watching your interaction; you don’t want to come off as uncaring.

(Yelling “FIRE!!!” is also an option. You don’t want to seem uncaring, but being a dishonest lying snob is apparently perfectly okay with the “Foxy” gals though.)

Dress To Devastate – Seems obvious, but no matter how casual the event, slip on something that makes you feel your best. (You never know who you’ll run into at the appetizer table.) And always opt for something that’s sexy but not trying too hard.

For girls, that could mean:

– a sophisticated wrap dress and funky wedge heels. (A wrap with wedges? Makes me think of the KFC Twister combo meal. Mmmmm…Twister.)

– a flirty skirt and tank top with flats. (With a big pocket on the front of the skirt that reads, “Insert Cab Fare Here”.)

– flared slacks and an off-the-shoulder top with strappy sandals. (Yeah, and why don’t you just not shave your armpits while you’re at it, you damn dirty hippy!? If I wanted to date a gypsy, I’d join the circus.)

– dark bootcut jeans with a feminine blouse and pointed toe pumps. (Okay, I have no idea what any of these things are. In fact, I’m probably going to stare at whatever parts of your body aren’t covered by clothes anyway, so it seems like a waste of time to put all this effort into your wardrobe. Let’s face facts, if you’re even semi-attractive and you showed up wearing an oversized bag of Domino Sugar it wouldn’t make any difference to me.)

Guys:

– Try a sharp looking button-down (in linen or a crisp cotton) and dark flat-front slacks with classic-but-cool leather shoes. (Yeah, I want to look like I came straight out of a damn Dockers commercial (mumblety peg with darts!!) Why don’t I just change my name to “Chad” or “Todd” while I’m at it?)

– For a more laid-back gathering, jeans and a long sleeve tee, with black or brown suede sneakers. (Whatever. Nothing says “casual sex appeal” quite like a half-shirt and cut-off jean shorts. Or perhaps you might want to try something like this.)

Scentiments – Finally, if you wear fragrance, keep it very light so you don’t overpower the room. You wouldn’t want to meet someone you really like, spark a good conversation, and then spark up their allergies, too.

(First of all, allergies are a sign of genetic weakness. Any woman with allergies will give birth to weak offspring, and thus, should be avoided like the plague.

Secondly, Brute Deodorant Spray is always a good option. It says, “I’m consistent, like a rock. I haven’t updated my grooming routine from what my father taught me in junior high, and I never will. In fact, the day they stop making Brute is the day I go back to not using deodorant.”)

Yes, if you just follow these simple suggestions, you won’t have to worry about being buried in a pine box anymore. You can get real casket when you die, like normal people. Now doesn’t that make you feel better?

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2 Responses to Owner of a Lonely Mustache

  1. Abe Froman says:

    I bet you wrote that post while sitting alone in your closet. Didn’t you?

  2. Grubb says:

    No, but that is how I spent my last birthday. What a coincidence!

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