AMI Ponders Lawsuit Against Baked Bean Maker

January 20, 2011

The American Mustache Institute announced recently that it’s considering a lawsuit against Bush’s Baked Beans for copyright infringement over a commercial that aired primarily during college football telecasts this past season.

The commercial features a golden retriever by the name of Duke that bares a close resemblance to Dr. Aaron Perlut, the esteemed and sexually potent leader of the AMI.

Some say the resemblance is a little too close. In a country rife with frivolous lawsuits, we at Grubb Hub want to commend the AMI, and we sincerely hope they follow through and reconcile this gross injustice.

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‘Stache Bash 2010: Get Your ‘Stache On

November 28, 2010

Just a friendly reminder to the loyal reader of Grubb Hub (you know who are, sitting there in your bomb shelter, cleaning your guns from your large stockpile of weaponry, wearing your eye patch, and sending out coded messages on your ham  radio you know damn well no one else can understand) that ‘Stache Bash will soon be upon us. More specifically, it’s this Saturday, December 4th from 8 p.m. to midnight at The Outfield at Mike Shannon’s Steaks & Seafood in downtown St. Louis, Missouri.

‘Stache Bash is a rip-roaring good time, complete with dudes and facial hair and grunting and burping. Don’t worry, there will be plenty of women burping there too, along with great bands like Hazard 2 Ya Booty (who, according to the AMI, really are a hazard to your booty) and Chicago’s very own, the Flavor Savors. If that’s not enough to entice you, director Morgan Spurlock, who blew the whistle on McDonald’s with his acclaimed film Super Size Me (Spoiler Alert: Big Macs really are fattening) will be there filming a documentary. So maybe you’ll get a chance to make an idiot of yourself on camera.

Tickets are $15 in advance and at the door. They can be purchased in advance from the Movember web site. Professional drinkers can also take advantage of the OPEN BAR from 8-11 p.m. for an additional $25 at the door.

For answers to any and all other questions, including the identity of your real father, check out the ‘Stache Bash page on the American Mustache Institute web site.

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Nominate, Try Not to Hate, Love Your Mate

September 28, 2010

Do you know what a mustache is? Even better…do you know someone with a mustache? Well, then get out to the American Mustache Institute website and nominate that person for the 2010 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year.

Go ahead, nominate whoever you want. It could be anyone…a teacher, a preacher, a project manager, a woman, a community organizer, someone with a real job…even you! (Seriously, don’t nominate yourself, you self-serving ass.)

Nominate as many times as you like. Nominate until you sprain something. Nominate until you’re about to collapse from exhaustion. Nominate until you’ve been fired from your job, and your wife and children have left you because you just won’t get up from the computer. It really doesn’t matter because the vast majority of your nominations will be ignored! Ignored, I tell you!

Of course I’m kidding. The truth is each nomination is carefully scrutinized by a team of trained nomination experts. Only the freshest and juiciest nominations, hand-picked by migrant workers and carried on foot to our production facility in Ripon, Wisconsin, will be good enough to make the final cut.

The award—handed out at the annual ‘Stache Bash slated for Saturday, December 4th, 2010 in St. Louis, Missouri—recognizes the person or human clone who has best represented, contributed, or has just not done any irreparable damage to the Mustached American community during the past year.

Nominations will only be accepted until Friday, October 8th. After that, you’re Shiite out of luck, Muganda. So put your nominatin’ boots on and get crackin’!

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Mascots Vie for Coveted Title, Credit Card Reward Points

September 8, 2010

Although our allegiances lie with a school that is unfortunately mascot-challenged (that being the University of Illinois), the staff at Grubb Hub has never been afraid to take on the tough issues regarding collegiate mascots. We also have some experience dressing up like barnyard animals ourselves.

So it is in this vein that we dissect the field of this year’s Capital One All-America Mascot Team, offering up some tidbits you may not have known about the costumed characters – and undoubtedly some you already do. We’ll also pick our favorite for the 2010 Capital One National Mascot of the Year.

There are 12 weekly head-to-head match ups. The mascots with the best win/loss records make the playoffs starting November 22, and the final winner will be pronounced Capital One National Mascot of the Year during the Capital One Bowl January 1.

So let’s take a look at this year’s contenders, shall we?

The Bird – U.S. Air Force Academy

As might be expected, The Bird is one intense guy. He’s kind of like that guy you play basketball with that wears a headband and hip checks everyone because he’s way too serious about what was just a friendly pickup game. When asked about competing in the 2010 Mascot Challenge, The Bird exclaimed, “I will live in fame, or go down in flame!”

Then he doused himself in gasoline, lit himself on fire, and jumped out a two-story window. Like I said, this guy is intense.

get more Grubb…

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I Feel Like A Chicken Tonight

September 2, 2010

In the spirit of shameless attempts at self-promotion (self-degradation?) involving chicken, we at Grubb Hub not-so-proudly present the following short, independent film. It’s once again brought to you by our associates at the American Mustache Institute – as part of their ‘Stache Scale Analysis series that samples and rates products from the Mustached American perspective.

This time out, the AMI turns its attention to Hardee’s new hand-breaded Chicken Tenders, and examines whether or not they can cut the honey mustard with regard to the competition.

In addition to the doctor sporting the night club velvet rope ‘stache, this video also stars a real, live chicken. No, it’s not the San Diego Chicken, Chicken Little, or even Colonel Sanders. Those guys are all too expensive (or too dead).

get more Grubb…

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Missing In Action 2: Another Mustached Masturdpiece

June 19, 2010

The Missing In Action movies represent the most popular franchise in the long and storied career of one Chuck Norris. They were filmed during the 1980’s – a period of time in American history when the nation realized it could have won the Vietnam War if only it had been allowed to pen the script for it.

By sheer coincidence, Missing In Action would probably make for a good title of this blog right about now. It’s in the spirit of this apathy that I give you the American Mustache Institute’s official Mustached Movie Review of Missing In Action 2: The Beginning – a prequel to the more popular and far superior Missing In Action.

Not by coincidence, a more appropriate title for this post would probably be Missing In Humor. But it’s got some nice video clips associated with it. So please, give it a whirl…or not. It’s a free country. Probably.

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Vote Brendan Ryan for Mustached American of the Year

October 17, 2009

Cardinal fans, your season is over, and your team was swept like dust bunnies from the garage. It may be too late for the World Series, but it’s not too late to vote for Brendan Ryan as the 2009 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year.

Voting ends Tuesday, which means there’s only three days left. So get out and vote for the man whose dedication to the mustache has meant so much to the cause. And just between you and me, Ryan has a pretty good chance of winning this thing. But if he doesn’t the blame will be yours and yours alone for not voting, you heartless bastard.

Sure, it’s not as important as P. Diddy’s “Vote or Die.” But it’s also not as moronic and annoying. So just get over to that mustache web site and vote already!

And remember, a vote for Brendan Ryan is a vote for change.

Gotcha! We all know that’s a bunch of malarkey. Nothing’s going to change. I was just testing you.

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Only the Good (Mustaches) Die Young

May 12, 2009

Like the shooting star that shines so bright and soars so high, but fades away into the abyss just as quickly as it appeared, so too was the mustache of St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Rick Ankiel.

Recently, Ankiel sat down with the American Mustache Institute and for the first time opened up about his short-lived ‘stache. Where did it come from? What was its mission? And why did it have to leave us so soon?

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Death Wish 3: A Mustached Masturdpiece

March 10, 2009

Yes, Death Wish 3 – the third chapter in the famous franchise starring Charles Bronson – contains all the essential elements of a fine feature film: Angry mustached old dudes, bazookas to the face, giggling purse-snatchers, multicultural gangs, reverse mohawks, love for arithmetic, and people falling out of buildings. What more could a person ask for?

Did someone say mustaches? Well, that’s all that’s required for the American Mustache Institute to review a 24 year-old movie.

Even if you don’t have time to read the review because of your damn go-go lifestyle with your fancy McDonald’s lattes and your high-speed dial-up internet and your Bluetooth headpiece that makes everyone want to punch you in the face, at least take the time to view this Death Wish 3 montage of people falling out of buildings. It’s the least you can do; I spent way too much time on it for nobody to watch it.

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The Red (Headed) Man Can Get Ahead Too, Man

January 30, 2009

No, sad to say we’re still waiting for the days when that form of discrimination has been eradicated. As long as women still pine for tall, dark and handsome, as long as and the red of head are portrayed as freckle-faced four eyes in the mass media, it will unfortunately have a place in our society. My father used to always tell me, “There’s no way this country would elect a red-headed president.” Kind of like what this guy said.

Well, as of this evening, the country has proven my old man right. And we definitely are the better for it.

Speaking of discrimination, the American Mustache Institute is an organization dedicated to fighting for the rights of the repressed and downtrodden mustached American.

If you’d like to read more uplifting words of inspiration, check out the latest post from the AMI blog. And if you can make any sense of what it says, I think you will be better for it too.

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