Denver Bronco Fans Starved for Halftime Entertainment

December 30, 2011

Admittedly, it can get kind of boring if you’re a Denver Broncos fan waiting around three-and-a-half quarters for Tebow Time to come (for a definition of Tebow Time, see this article).

Maybe that’s why the events coordinator at Sports Authority Field at Mile High (that name just rolls off the tongue) has been trying to spruce up the halftime show, to help fill the void between the opening kickoff and the last five minutes of the game.

When you’ve scored just 22 points in the first half of your last four home games, any kind of action is a welcome occurrence:

Monkey Rides Horse at Denver Broncos Game

No, it’s not a live-action representation of Tebow’s understanding of Darwinism. Nor is it one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in an all-animal halftime production of The Book of Revelation. It’s just a good, old-fashioned monkey riding a horse.

I guess if Tim Tebow can pass for a legitimate NFL quarterback in Denver, this can pass for halftime entertainment. But hey, at least Bronco fans weren’t treated to this:

Apparently, the joke here is that NFL Network commentator Michael Irvin loves Tim Tebow. Judging by the awkward gyrations he’s making, I’d say he loves that horse more. Maybe that’s why he’s riding it more like a cocaine-fueled hooker from his Dallas Cowboy playing days than a children’s toy.

Let’s just hope that if the Broncos happen to play on NFL Network next year, Irvin leaves his horse in the stable. Either that or he learns to ride the thing without sodomizing it.

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Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not training monkeys to re-enact the movie “The Ten Commandments”, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

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The Word of Tebow

December 16, 2011

You can question his arm, and you can question his footwork, but you simply cannot question the fact that Tim Tebow has taken the NFL and the entire country by storm following a streak of seven wins in eight starts, each triumph seemingly more unbelievable than the last.

Just examine if you will one tiny slice of the Tebow phenomenon, that being the impact it’s having on the American lexicon.

According to a report on the USA Today’s website, the word Tebowing has now officially been recognized by the Global Language Monitor.

But it doesn’t stop there. After doing a little research, I’ve discovered that the root word Tebow is now only exceeded in number and variation of applications by the word smurf, which of course can basically be smurfed for anything.

So let’s take a look at the word Tebow and a small sample of its many uses. The definitions below are presented as they will no doubt soon appear in Webster’s Dictionary after Tim Tebow takes over the planet and enslaves us all, complete with example sentences so that you may learn how to use them in your everyday conversations.

Tebowing [tee-boh-ing]
noun

1. The act of taking a knee in prayer during an athletic contest, most often seen in North American football after scoring the team’s lone offensive touchdown of the game.

Example Sentence:

Mark and his teammates began Tebowing with each other in the back of the end zone after Mark crossed the goal line to win his fraternity’s intermural flag football game 7-0 in overtime.

Tebow Time [tee-boh-tahym]
noun

1. In North American football terms, the time of the game, typically encompassing the final minutes of the fourth quarter as well as overtime, when a defense abandons the strategies that have thus far limited the opposing offense to little or no points in favor of a generic, relaxed defense designed to surrender yards in huge chunks.

2. In general terms, any time spent thinking about, reflecting upon, or consuming media coverage of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.

Example Sentence:

After a long, stressful day at work, George flipped the TV to “SportsCenter” and plopped down on the couch for some much-deserved Tebow Time.

Tebowmania [tee-boh-mey-nee-yuh]
noun

1. A mental condition that causes those afflicted to lose all perspective and sense of NFL history. It is often accompanied by giving credit to Tim Tebow for all things, even those that he had nothing to do with, such as a defensive touchdown or a very long field goal.

In more advanced stages it can also lead to disorientation. In rare cases, voluntary alopecia areata can occur.

Example Sentences:

Suffering from an acute onset of Tebowmania, Marion Barber inexplicably ran out of bounds instead of simply running out the clock and ending the game.

Amanda’s Tebowmania has her convinced that Tim Tebow will become the first option quarterback ever to win a Super Bowl, despite 45 years of evidence suggesting otherwise.

Tebowchery [tee-baw-chuh-ree]

noun, plural -er·ies.

1. Excessive indulgence in Tim Tebow-related pleasures or sensations, such as beating a reeling Chicago Bears team 13-10 in overtime without its star running back Matt Forte and quarterback Jay Cutler.

2. An act or outward demonstration of piousness, caring, humility, or selflessness.

Example Sentence:

Kim thoroughly enjoyed a nice Saturday evening of Tebowchery when she helped perform a puppet show to entertain the residents of a local nursing home. Earlier in the night, she also made a large donation of clothes and toys to Goodwill.

Tebowtion [tee-boh-shuhn]
noun

1. Profound dedication to and unwavering belief in the abilities of Tim Tebow, often accompanied by extreme loyalty no matter the situation.

Example Sentence:

Despite throwing for 45 yards on 2-of-19 passing through three-and-a-half quarters, Harold’s Tebowtion never waned, and he began quietly Tebowing in the middle of his living room that those passes might soon find the hands of a receiver.

Tebortion [tee-barw-shuhn]
noun

1. The act of throwing a football away during a broken play that is no longer deemed desirable to the offense.

Tebort [tee-barwt]
verb -ed

1. To throw an intentional incomplete forward pass.

Example Sentence:

With all his receivers covered, the quarterback simply Teborted the ball into an empty section of the stands where no one would ever find it.

Tebowner [tee-boh-ner]
noun

1. An individual that owns three or more Tim Tebow jerseys, or a family that collectively owns five or more Tim Tebow jerseys.

2. A distinct and measurable physiological response to any Tim Tebow-related stimuli.

Example Sentences:

Jim owns four Tebow jerseys: a regular home and road jersey, a bright orange home alternate, and a throwback. His wife has a women’s Tebow jersey, and he even bought his 10 year-old son a shiny new Tebow jersey for Christmas. Yes, everyone in Jim’s entire family is a proud Tebowner.

Pretty much everyone in the room noticed Randy’s Tebowner amid all the excitement of yesterday’s overtime win against the Vikings, but no one really seemed to mind.

Tebrew [tee-broo]
noun

1. A kind of beer made by Bonfire Brewing in Eagle, CO in honor of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.

2. An Orthodox Jewish fan of Tim Tebow.

Example Sentence:

While I may not agree with his religious beliefs, I am without question a devout Tebrew.

Tebrow [tee-broh]
noun

1. A close friend that loves Tim Tebow at least as much if not more than you do.

Example Sentence:

Jerry and I are Tebrows. We can talk or not talk about how great Tim Tebow is for hours on end. Our relationship is special that way.

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Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not out re-inventing the English language, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com


Local Celebrities Pick NFL Games, Nose

November 8, 2009

As the old saying goes, “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.”

Thankfully though, you can also pick NFL games. This week, we at Grubb Hub were invited along with other local St. Louis celebrities that have no doubt been on national television at one time or another to take part in the Charter Football Contest.

We thought it would be fun to put our unlimited NFL knowledge and wisdom to test. After all, we were the ones that predicted that Josh McDingleberry would run the Denver Broncos into the ground after trading Jay Cutler to the Bears for no good reason. And look how right we were there!

Actually, the jury is still out on that one. You can do all the fist-pumping you want Josh, it’s still only six wins. Save your fist-pumping for when you win something that matters.

Anyway, feel free to enter the contest yourself and join all the local celebrities at the Fox & the Hound in Chesterfield Sunday, Nov. 8, from noon to 4:00pm. Your picks might even turn out to be smarter than ours! (Not likely)

So without further hors d’oeuvres here’s Grubb Hub’s NFL Week 9 Picks:

Washington at Atlanta

For a guy that thought he could simply buy a championship, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder picked the wrong sport. Sorry Daniel, that’s Major League Baseball that hands out its titles to the highest bidder. In the NFL, you have to win with the guys you draft, and the guys you draft suck. You might also want to try not changing your coach every year. He’s not the problem. The guy that hired him is.

Falcons 27, Redskins 10

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This One’s For Jay

April 25, 2009

We at Grubb Hub never thought it could hurt more to be a fan of the Denver Broncos than it did after getting drubbed 55-10 by Joe Montana and the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl XXIV, their third embarrassing loss of historic proportions in four years.

We never thought our passion could feel more purposeless than the day John Elway announced he had played his last game. As for myself, I had never known what it was like to root for a Broncos team without the best quarterback to ever play the game. Quite frankly, he was the primary reason I became a Broncos fan in the first place.

All those years spent rooting for John to get just one more shot at a Super Bowl, so that he could once and for all prove to the world that indeed, he could win The Big One. And after he finally did – twice – The Duke of Denver mounted his white snorting horse and rode out of town, leaving Bronco fans everywhere to wonder, “Well, what now?”

What’s the main difference between those two events and the recent fiasco resulting in the trade of Jay Cutler to the Chicago Bears? Both of those you could see coming from a mile away. Both of those made some modicum of sense. This makes none.

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As Usual, Elway Saves the Best for Last

March 19, 2008

Originally published in the Daily Union (Shelbyville, IL) on February 2, 1999:

With as many pigskin prognosticators picking the Falcons in last Sunday’s Super Bowl as there were, one might have had the impression that they were the defending champions.

That’s just par for the course for the Denver Broncos, whose resounding losses during the franchise’s first four trips to the Super Bowl sadly earned them more disrespect than anything else.

Last year, most predicted the ever-glorious Packers, led by Brett Favrvrvrvre, would mop the field with John Elway’s head.

This year, the Falcons were supposed to hang in there ’til the final moments, with a chance to steal away a victory at the end.

Instead, Elway made the famed “Dirty Birds” look more like the “Diseased Pigeons”.

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