They Say the Neon Tights are Bright on Broadway

January 27, 2012

From a St. Louis sports perspective, few things deliver the entertainment power of a fake punch quite like pro wrestling night at the South Broadway Athletic Club in Soulard, featuring the stars of the MMWA-SICW.

And since you’re now probably wondering, the answer is “No.” Nobody knows what MMWA-SICW stands for. And whenever anyone asks, another letter is added.  So please, just let it go.

For the pro wrestling purist however, it’s a real treat. It’s like the Class A ball – or maybe more accurately the Appalachian Rookie League – of the WWE.  There’s no million-dollar egos, no backroom corruption, no steroids. On the contrary, many of the wrestlers here could stand to lift a dumbbell or two.

Instead, these guys compete for the love of the sport, or more accurately the sports-based entertainment.  There are names like Big Texan, Ace Hawkins, Johnny Courageous, the Lumberjacks (and they’re okay). These guys are all extremely affable with the fans, and it was pretty easy to get a picture taken with them.

For the most part, the crowd was what you might expect, making the upper bowl of a Blues game look like an auditorium full of PhDs attending an astrophysics lecture. Chants of “U-S-A!” broke out throughout the night several times. Chants of “Jer-ry!” did not. But it wasn’t for lack of trying.

Even still, it’s a remarkably diverse crowd: young, old, male, female. There were even a few celebrities in the house, like Terry B. Crouppen of the legal dynamic duo Brown & Crouppen – the proverbial Robin to Ron Brown’s Batman. When you think about it, where else would St. Louis’ foremost ambulance-chasing personal injury lawyer be on a Saturday night? It makes perfect sense. If someone splits a skull on the business end of a folding chair, he’s right there.

And turns out it’s a great place to host your small child’s birthday party, complete with an appropriately-themed cake.

The best part though has to be the prices, which have been rolled back to the days of Wrestling at the Chase. Beer is two dollars. For the more sophisticated palate there’s a wine list, featuring your choice of…red or white.  Actually, the house Chablis – although pronounced [sha-bliss] by the wait staff – is to die for.

And just when the night couldn’t get any more surreal, an all-too-familiar face to the loyal readers of JSF entered the squared circle:

Why, it’s none other than the 2012 Riverfront Times “Funniest Twitter Feed” winner and Joe Sports Fan’s own Matt Sebek.  At least we think it might be.  Who would have guessed that Sebek moonlighted on the weekends as a semi-pro wrestler?

Ballet dancer? Sure. Boy band member? Absolutely. But a wrestler? No way.

And despite the prosthetic body suit, which adds the illusion of nearly 100 pounds of muscle to Sebek’s frame, I have to admit the guy has some serious moves.

The hot pink tights? Just perfect. Nothing sums up “metrosexual badass” quite like they do. Also, the one pink boot is a nice touch. It’s got kind of a Michael Jackson feel to it.

Turns out, Sebek wrestles under the alias Brandon Espinosa, an homage to his Cherokee heritage.

The festivities ended with a Battle Royal, humbly submitted for your approval, where the last man left in the ring wins.

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Slaten Prejudice Unveiled with Fisher Hiring

January 20, 2012

Kevin Slaten recently exposed himself as intolerant, some might even say discriminatory, on his radio show while ruminating over the potential hiring of now St. Louis Rams head coach Jeff Fisher.

What else is new, you say? Well, this time he has betrayed his own people, namely, the mustached American.

A recent caller to his show suggested that Slaten harbors an anti-mustache bias, and that this may be clouding his judgment of Fisher, and then informed Slaten of the St. Louis-based American Mustache Institute, which fights for the rights of mustached Americans.

At first Slaten denied the existence of the AMI, and accused the caller of drinking heavily.  But after receiving a subsequent call from the AMI’s chairman and JSF’s own Dr. Aaron, Slaten backtracked and stated that what he actually said was that he did not believe discrimination against mustached citizens actually exists.

What ensued was a highly logical albeit heated debate. Here now is the audio of the entire incident, so the readers at home can judge for themselves:

Perhaps the most telling point in the exchange was when Slaten admitted to having his own mustache forcibly removed by his then employers at ESPN, thus proving that anti-mustache discrimination does exist, despite his best efforts to deny or belittle the AMI’s endeavors as “15 guys with nothing better to do than sit around and talk about mustaches.” Hardly.

Slaten also lost points for claiming that he was not “any better looking or any uglier” whether he is mustached or clean-shaven. This was in response to Dr. Aaron’s statement that the average person can expect to see a 38 percent increase in looks from a well-groomed mustache, a fact that has been scientifically proven at the AMI through years of extensive research and pillow fighting.

You tell me which picture is 38 percent better looking, or better yet, which picture is 38 percent uglier. The answer is obvious. Clearly, he is much uglier sans mustache, as much as 73 percent uglier in fact.

But I’ll tell you what is ugly – besides Slaten – and that’s the truth. Deny it all he wants: Discrimination against good, honest, hard-working mustached Americans does exist. And Kevin Slaten is living, heavily-breathing proof.

Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not splicing audio to make people look bad, he can be found hanging out with Bruce Pearl. When he’s not doing that, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

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Top 7: Must-Have Free Autographs at the 2012 Cardinals Winter Warm Up

January 13, 2012

You booked a room at the Millennieum, packed up the family truckster, even bought a sleeve of baseballs from Walmart, and now you’re ready to head up I-64 for some sweet, sweet Cardinal autograph action at this weekend’s Winter Warm-Up.

Only one problem, you forgot to go to the Cardinals web site and sign up for an autograph session with your favorite Cardinals players (for a specific additional donation of course). Great. Now you can forget about that Lou Brock autograph you always wanted ($75). Lance Berkman too ($100). World Series MVP David Freese ($75)? Forget about it. Hell, you can’t even get J. C. Romero ($5).

But don’t worry, because there are plenty of free autographs to be had. And the best part is we’ve done all the leg work for you, sifting through the list of unremarkables to comprise another Joe Sports Fan Top 7: Must-Have Free Autographs at the 2012 Cardinals Winter Warm Up.

7. T. J. Matthews

In a way, this whole Mark McGwire fiasco was his fault. Yeah! And while you’ll never be able to get Mark McGwire’s autograph for free (unless you’re a Baseball Hall of Fame voter), you can get the guy McGwire was traded to the Oakland A’s for, and unlike a McGwire autograph, it won’t even cost you your integrity.

6. Curt Ford

No, not Curt Flood. Curt Ford. The former sacrificed his life and livelihood so that today’s players could think that God wants them to go to Los Angeles for $240 million instead of stay in St. Louis for $220 million. The latter’s two-run single broke a scoreless tie and propelled the Cardinals to a 4-2 victory in Game 5 of the 1987 World Series, during which Ford hit a healthy .318. The Cardinals wouldn’t win another World Series game for 19 years, and Curt Ford’s career would end abruptly and sadly – just like Curt Flood.

5. Andy and Alan Benes

Together, the brothers Benes combined for 79 wins and 23 arm surgeries while wearing the birds on the bat. In fact, the only thing more stitched than the baseball you’ll give them is the arm they’ll use to sign it. But the duo helped boost the Cardinals to a memorable 1996 playoff run, and that’s got to be worth more than nothing, doesn’t it? The answer here is clearly maybe.

4. Glenn Brummer

A little-known third string catcher steals home during the magical championship season of 1982, and one of the greatest moments in Cardinal lore is born. So let me see if I get this straight…the Cardinals have no problem selling “souvenir” toilets to their fans, but they can’t even charge $5 for a Glenn Brummer autograph? You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s worth at least two used toilets, maybe three.

3. Mike Tyson

Just so you can do the joke, “Hey, I got Mike Tyson’s autograph! Mike Tyson the guy that played second base for the Cardinals from 1972-1979, not Mike Tyson the boxer!” to all your friends until one of them punches your face in, a la Mike Tyson. And it will serve you right, you dumb son of a bitch.

2. Tom Lawless

To get the full Tom Lawless free autograph experience, you’re going to need a bat for him to sign. Then, you ask him to stare straight ahead and flip it behind him, without a care for what (or who) is back there, just like he did when he homered in Game 4 of the 1987 World Series. Yep, this is quite possibly the best idea I’ve ever had.

1. Rex Hudler

It’s likely that more than a few witnesses to the debacle that was the 1990 St. Louis Cardinals would say that team wasn’t very much fun to watch. But those people obviously missed the 89 games in which Rex “The Wonder Dog” Hudler played or appeared in. Hudler’s speed, power, and fiery red hair proved an explosive combination, as he finished third on the team with 7 home runs and chipped in 18 steals in limited action. But Hudler’s statistics paled in comparison to the unwavering heart and hustle he displayed every time he stepped on the field.

Why, if diving head-first into third base was worth 5 runs, that 1990 team would have finished 18 games out of first place instead of 25. Hudler is now an award-winning broadcaster and, not surprisingly, a motivational speaker.  He resides in California with his wife and four children, sadly, according to the above photo, none of whom are ginger.

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Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not ranking things that don’t matter, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

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Mike Ditka: King of the Gridiron…and Comedy

January 6, 2012

Unless you woke up early New Year’s Day morning with such a bad headache and cotton mouth that you couldn’t even go back to sleep (of course I’m speaking hypothetically here, in no way do I know what that’s like), you probably missed Mike Ditka’s interesting analysis of the Indianapolis Colts’ decision of whether or not to take Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck with the first pick in April’s NFL draft.

Ditka argued that the Colts shouldn’t take Luck, in part because of the positive attributes of backup Dan Orlovsky, which included being “a good Polack.”

Now, before everyone starts running out to boycott products, it should be noted that Ditka is one of three children from a Ukrainian family. In fact, Ditka’s family changed its name from “Dyczko” because it was too hard to pronounce in his hometown in Western Pennsylvania.

Changed his name? What is he, an entertainer? Maybe that’s it, maybe Ditka fashions himself as a stand-up comedian instead of an analyst.

The way I see it, Ditka is just following the longstanding stand-up comedy tradition of “I Am One So I Can Make Fun of Them.” It is this unwritten but well-understood societal rule that has blessed us with the careers of many of today’s popular comedians, including Margaret Cho, George Lopez, and D.L. Hugley.

Hmm…maybe it’s time we re-thought this rule.

In any event, there really isn’t any sort of advantage to being Polish in the game of football, unless you count fans being able to make out your name on the back of your jersey more easily from the cheap seats.

If given the chance to take Luck, it’s not like the St. Louis Rams should get rid of Sam Bradford because he’s too much of a stuffy, uptight WASP (See, now I’m taking advantage of the rule, to similarly hilarious results).

But the whole ordeal does remind me of the old SNL Superfans skit, specifically the question of how many Ditkas does it take to beat the New York Giants?

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Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not watching “An Evening With Margaret Cho” on DVD, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

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Denver Bronco Fans Starved for Halftime Entertainment

December 30, 2011

Admittedly, it can get kind of boring if you’re a Denver Broncos fan waiting around three-and-a-half quarters for Tebow Time to come (for a definition of Tebow Time, see this article).

Maybe that’s why the events coordinator at Sports Authority Field at Mile High (that name just rolls off the tongue) has been trying to spruce up the halftime show, to help fill the void between the opening kickoff and the last five minutes of the game.

When you’ve scored just 22 points in the first half of your last four home games, any kind of action is a welcome occurrence:

Monkey Rides Horse at Denver Broncos Game

No, it’s not a live-action representation of Tebow’s understanding of Darwinism. Nor is it one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in an all-animal halftime production of The Book of Revelation. It’s just a good, old-fashioned monkey riding a horse.

I guess if Tim Tebow can pass for a legitimate NFL quarterback in Denver, this can pass for halftime entertainment. But hey, at least Bronco fans weren’t treated to this:

Apparently, the joke here is that NFL Network commentator Michael Irvin loves Tim Tebow. Judging by the awkward gyrations he’s making, I’d say he loves that horse more. Maybe that’s why he’s riding it more like a cocaine-fueled hooker from his Dallas Cowboy playing days than a children’s toy.

Let’s just hope that if the Broncos happen to play on NFL Network next year, Irvin leaves his horse in the stable. Either that or he learns to ride the thing without sodomizing it.

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Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not training monkeys to re-enact the movie “The Ten Commandments”, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

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The Word of Tebow

December 16, 2011

You can question his arm, and you can question his footwork, but you simply cannot question the fact that Tim Tebow has taken the NFL and the entire country by storm following a streak of seven wins in eight starts, each triumph seemingly more unbelievable than the last.

Just examine if you will one tiny slice of the Tebow phenomenon, that being the impact it’s having on the American lexicon.

According to a report on the USA Today’s website, the word Tebowing has now officially been recognized by the Global Language Monitor.

But it doesn’t stop there. After doing a little research, I’ve discovered that the root word Tebow is now only exceeded in number and variation of applications by the word smurf, which of course can basically be smurfed for anything.

So let’s take a look at the word Tebow and a small sample of its many uses. The definitions below are presented as they will no doubt soon appear in Webster’s Dictionary after Tim Tebow takes over the planet and enslaves us all, complete with example sentences so that you may learn how to use them in your everyday conversations.

Tebowing [tee-boh-ing]
noun

1. The act of taking a knee in prayer during an athletic contest, most often seen in North American football after scoring the team’s lone offensive touchdown of the game.

Example Sentence:

Mark and his teammates began Tebowing with each other in the back of the end zone after Mark crossed the goal line to win his fraternity’s intermural flag football game 7-0 in overtime.

Tebow Time [tee-boh-tahym]
noun

1. In North American football terms, the time of the game, typically encompassing the final minutes of the fourth quarter as well as overtime, when a defense abandons the strategies that have thus far limited the opposing offense to little or no points in favor of a generic, relaxed defense designed to surrender yards in huge chunks.

2. In general terms, any time spent thinking about, reflecting upon, or consuming media coverage of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.

Example Sentence:

After a long, stressful day at work, George flipped the TV to “SportsCenter” and plopped down on the couch for some much-deserved Tebow Time.

Tebowmania [tee-boh-mey-nee-yuh]
noun

1. A mental condition that causes those afflicted to lose all perspective and sense of NFL history. It is often accompanied by giving credit to Tim Tebow for all things, even those that he had nothing to do with, such as a defensive touchdown or a very long field goal.

In more advanced stages it can also lead to disorientation. In rare cases, voluntary alopecia areata can occur.

Example Sentences:

Suffering from an acute onset of Tebowmania, Marion Barber inexplicably ran out of bounds instead of simply running out the clock and ending the game.

Amanda’s Tebowmania has her convinced that Tim Tebow will become the first option quarterback ever to win a Super Bowl, despite 45 years of evidence suggesting otherwise.

Tebowchery [tee-baw-chuh-ree]

noun, plural -er·ies.

1. Excessive indulgence in Tim Tebow-related pleasures or sensations, such as beating a reeling Chicago Bears team 13-10 in overtime without its star running back Matt Forte and quarterback Jay Cutler.

2. An act or outward demonstration of piousness, caring, humility, or selflessness.

Example Sentence:

Kim thoroughly enjoyed a nice Saturday evening of Tebowchery when she helped perform a puppet show to entertain the residents of a local nursing home. Earlier in the night, she also made a large donation of clothes and toys to Goodwill.

Tebowtion [tee-boh-shuhn]
noun

1. Profound dedication to and unwavering belief in the abilities of Tim Tebow, often accompanied by extreme loyalty no matter the situation.

Example Sentence:

Despite throwing for 45 yards on 2-of-19 passing through three-and-a-half quarters, Harold’s Tebowtion never waned, and he began quietly Tebowing in the middle of his living room that those passes might soon find the hands of a receiver.

Tebortion [tee-barw-shuhn]
noun

1. The act of throwing a football away during a broken play that is no longer deemed desirable to the offense.

Tebort [tee-barwt]
verb -ed

1. To throw an intentional incomplete forward pass.

Example Sentence:

With all his receivers covered, the quarterback simply Teborted the ball into an empty section of the stands where no one would ever find it.

Tebowner [tee-boh-ner]
noun

1. An individual that owns three or more Tim Tebow jerseys, or a family that collectively owns five or more Tim Tebow jerseys.

2. A distinct and measurable physiological response to any Tim Tebow-related stimuli.

Example Sentences:

Jim owns four Tebow jerseys: a regular home and road jersey, a bright orange home alternate, and a throwback. His wife has a women’s Tebow jersey, and he even bought his 10 year-old son a shiny new Tebow jersey for Christmas. Yes, everyone in Jim’s entire family is a proud Tebowner.

Pretty much everyone in the room noticed Randy’s Tebowner amid all the excitement of yesterday’s overtime win against the Vikings, but no one really seemed to mind.

Tebrew [tee-broo]
noun

1. A kind of beer made by Bonfire Brewing in Eagle, CO in honor of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.

2. An Orthodox Jewish fan of Tim Tebow.

Example Sentence:

While I may not agree with his religious beliefs, I am without question a devout Tebrew.

Tebrow [tee-broh]
noun

1. A close friend that loves Tim Tebow at least as much if not more than you do.

Example Sentence:

Jerry and I are Tebrows. We can talk or not talk about how great Tim Tebow is for hours on end. Our relationship is special that way.

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Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not out re-inventing the English language, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

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We Are Penn State. We Are Touched.

December 2, 2011

By now you probably know about former Penn State defensive coordinator and alleged pedophile Jerry Sandusky’s autobiography published in 2001, the tragically titled Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story.

Not surprisingly, there has been a steady stream of public outcry directed at Amazon.com to remove the book from its virtual shelves. It’s still out there, by the way. For a mere $250 you can still purchase a copy of the seemingly whitewashed version of Sandusky’s life. At one point you could even get a personally inscribed copy on eBay.

Receiving much less attention since the scandal broke (despite being similarly as ironic) has been the children’s book written by Joe Paterno and his wife Sue entitled We Are Penn State! – which takes place during a typical homecoming weekend. Not sure if “typical” includes a story of how yet another late night man-boy wrestling match was swept under the mat to protect your program’s esteemed image, I guess I’ll have to read it to find out.

But perhaps the real shame is that these books were never marketed as a pair. Imagine if places like Amazon.com had sold these two books together as a set. It might have given us all an earlier clue as to what had been going on behind closed doors all those years.

All together now: I guess you can judge a book by its cover – or in this case books by their covers.

It’s kind of eerie really, like how you can supposedly sync up Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album with the movie The Wizard of Oz.

In the case of Penn State and Sandusky, it’s too bad it took nearly 40 years for someone to look behind the curtain, or more accurately to report what they saw.

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Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not out crusading for justice, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

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Love in the Time of Hepatitis: Jose Canseco Goes on a “CelebriDate”

November 18, 2011

He’s 47, twice divorced, and he ratted out his oldest and closest friends for money in an embarrassing tell-all book. Interested yet, ladies?

It’s Jose Canseco, who recently tried his luck on the show “CelebriDate” on HDNet, the channel brought to you by Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban and terrible congressional laws against a la carte cable television.

According to leading scholars in the field of evolutionary linguistics, the word “CelebriDate” is of Latin origin, and is derived from the words “celebrity” and “date.”

Once learning of this, Canseco donned his best “Affliction” T-shirt and set out to find true love.  With the help of Roger Lodge, baseball’s favorite media whore was introduced to another kind of whore: the regular kind.

His choices included a fetish model, a Latin American TV host, and a former Playmate turned actress and fitness expert. Sounds promising right?

If you watched the episode, you had the privilege of delving deep into the six-time major league all-star’s soul. You learned of his disdain for grudges and hair extensions. In fact, half the show is spent talking about how Canseco doesn’t like hair extensions. Who knew?

And in the end, Canseco bucked conventional wisdom by picking the girl with the biggest boobs.

Okay so maybe that’s not a big surprise. But apparently he made the right choice, because as we later found out, he wasn’t really the other girl’s type.

Which is too bad really, because she seemed like a real sweetheart.

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Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not out sailing on his 50-foot yacht, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

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Banks Shines Bright in Big Ten Network Debut

November 4, 2011

Former NFL and Michigan State quarterback Tony Banks turned up on the Big Ten Network as a post-game analyst recently, and made a rather inauspicious debut – in part due to his choice of wardrobe.

The good news is that, in addition to functioning as a garment, Banks’ suit could also be melted down into a commemorative coin collection and bought on QVC for three easy payments of $19.95.

Now you’re probably thinking to yourself: How could a grown man that made millions of dollars during a 9-year NFL career wear such a ridiculous outfit on national cable television? And you’d be right.

My curiosity runs a bit deeper however, to the origin of the suit itself. Such a bold fashion statement makes me wonder…where did the designer’s inspiration come from?

Then it hit me:

Although more subtle in color – fluorescent gold as opposed to a deep red – Banks’ suit was undoubtedly inspired by the late Captain Kangaroo.

Unfortunately, the suit went on to cause major distractions during the telecast, at times reflecting the bright studio lights and blinding fellow BTN analyst Howard Griffith during his monologue on Indiana’s poor kickoff coverage.

With tensions rising due to the suit’s luminescence, the show would later turn ugly. Griffith, who was clearly not amused by Banks’ attire, at one point chastised Banks on air for “coming in here looking like a damn fool.”

Banks tried to diffuse the situation, responding to Griffith’s attack by saying, “Hey, at least I didn’t wear the belt that it came with.”

In any event, one would think that if the former Spartan Banks were going to model his clothing after a recurring Captain Kangaroo character, it would have been Mr. Green Jeans.

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Michael Grubb is a (semi) regular contributor to Team JSF. When he’s not out sailing on his 50-foot yacht, he can be reached at:

@GrubbHub
GrubbHub.net
grubbhub@gmail.com

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Nerds Become Anxious As Big Ten Network Summer Programming Draws to a Close

August 19, 2011

You might think everyone is excited about the upcoming college football season. But you’d be wrong. For nerds of the Big Ten Network , the end of summer is also the end of Big Ten Network summer programming.

This means no more countless replays of Vaughn Dunbar’s 39-carry, 147-yard performance over Kentucky in 1991, no more shows about the 10 best left-handed basketball duos from 1974-1977, no more profiles on Purdue alum Orville Redenbacher.

But come on, you say. Nobody watches this stuff, right? Once again, you’d be wrong. Between the months of May and August, Nielsen data shows the Big Ten Network attracts an average daily household rating of somewhere between zero and greater than zero. This means someone out there is watching this stuff.

Sketch artists have come up with a digital composite of what a typical Big Ten Network nerd might look like:

Face-painting is a given. The spiked shoulder pads – an obvious homage to the famed wrestling tag team known as the “Road Warriors” – are a nice touch. The monkey-shaped logo on the shoulder pads, I have no idea.

I do know that to this person, the idea of waiting until next May to watch the same profile on Red Grange causes severe stress and anxiety.

In fact, as we draw closer to the season, the Big Ten Network’s programming changes are already underway. Football team preview shows have already begun to replace things like marching band auditions.  Want to know what the Ohio State Buckeyes chances are this year? Better not blink, it’s only airing 17 times this weekend.

Soon, a few actual live football games will be televised. This will replace things like replays of spring scrimmages. Yes, I said scrimmages, which are essentially practice. Yes, Allen Iverson, we are talking about practice.

You must understand though, to a Big Ten Network nerd, practice counts as real programming, and you better believe scores of nerds are tuning in to watch college-aged men stand around in tight pants and take scheduled water breaks.

But soon, for nerds everywhere, it will all come to an end, and once again Iowa quarterback Chuck Hartlieb’s school-record 558-yard passing performance against Indiana in 1988 will be a thing of the past. At least until next May.

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