Grubb Bites for January 5, 2010: Big Ten Network Comes to St. Louis

We have something really special for you today. It’s called a blog post. No, actually it’s something we’re calling Grubb Bites.

We at Grubb Hub have decided that instead of always trying to stir up the motivation to polish off the proverbial 6-course meal in the form of writing full, feature-length articles (which clearly is not working, as evidenced by the lack of posts lately), we thought it might be fun to quickly go through some items of the day and offer our reaction in a more “bite-sized” or condensed form. So here goes nothing:

Charter Brings the Big Ten Network to Southern Illinois, St. Louis

Since its inception in 2006, I have spent many a night dreaming of what it would be like to have the Big Ten Network for my very own – to possess her, to hold her in my arms, to caress her slowly and softly; as she deserves to be caressed. To toss aside the cares of the world and just spend the day with her, watching her replays of games I’ve already seen again and again…and again and again.

But alas, it was not meant to be, for I had Charter Cable. And if it were not insufferable enough that I could not possess her for my own, too often I had borne witness to her flaunting herself in the arms of others – like a wanton and promiscuous whore!! Until it turned my stomach just to hear her name.

That is, until yesterday, when Charter Cable finally let the Big Ten Network “open up its flower” to customers in the St. Louis Metro area and in Southern Illinois.

However, if the Big Ten Network was a whore to me in this situation, then Charter Cable was a bitch. And what’s the difference between a whore and a bitch? A whore sleeps with everyone; a bitch sleeps with everyone but you.

And that’s exactly what it felt like for those of us beholden to Charter Cable in St. Louis for lo these many years. Everyone got a turn with the old gal but us. Well, that all changed starting Monday.

There is a catch though. The channel is on the expanded basic level of service – where channels like ESPN and CNN typically reside – but only for digital subscribers.

This means we at Grubb Hub still don’t get Big Ten Network. We stripped our cable service down to the bone a while back because we got tired of paying an ass-load for channels like LOGO and We tv, while being denied channels a person might actually derive entertainment from – like the Big Ten Network and NFL Network.

However, we’ll definitely look into upgrading again. We’ll probably have to get that stupid box that sits on your TV stand taking up half the shelf. But one way or another, the Big Ten Network will be ours. Oh yes, she will be ours.

Fighting Illini Look to Rebound Against Iowa

No, not literally rebound against Iowa, or any other team for that matter. We all know that would be way too much to ask. Instead, we’re talking about rebounding against disappointing, if not deflating, losses to Mizzouri (that’s how they spell it, just ask their stupid fans) and Gonzaga when the Illini face the Hawkeyes (whose nickname originated from a hostile and abusive form of Native American imagery by the way) tonight at 8 p.m. on that sultry temptress, the Big Ten Network.

We recently watched part of an Iowa game on our beloved Big Ten Network, and all we can say is the Hawkeyes looked more like the Chicken Hawks. More specifically, they looked a lot like a high school team from a small, rural farming community. They might be a legitimate contender for the bygone IHSA Class A title, but I doubt it.

The only way these guys can compete with Illinois is to play the game in Iowa City, so that Iowa can have its typical screw job 25-30 free throw advantage.

Alas, this game is being played in Champaign, so I’m taking the Illini by 25-30.

Holliday Signs With Cards, La Russa Celebrates by High-Five’n Bruce Hornsby

(see related video)

Matt Holliday signed a 7-year, $120 million deal with the St. Louis Cardinals today, making him the highest paid player on the team. Yep, he makes more than Albert Pujols.

All around St. Louis brainwashed La Russa disciples rejoiced. Okay, okay…all things considered it’s probably a good deal for the Cardinals, for the next few years anyway (look me up in year seven when Holliday is 37…yeesh). And at this point the team had little choice. I mean, what are you going to do, take a chance that La Russa won’t bring back Chris Duncan to play left field?

But let’s be honest here. The only reason the Cardinals were able to retain Holliday is because no one else wanted to pay nearly $20 million a season for a guy that has 162-game averages of .290, 22 home runs, and 90 RBI away from Coors Field for his career – in addition to being an average outfielder at best (playoff defense notwithstanding).

Hell, if that’s all it takes, then Ryan Ludwick should be demanding $20 million per at his upcoming arbitration hearing.

Believe me, if this guy was worth that kind of money the Yankees, Red Sox, or one of the other “haves” would have already broken the bank to sign him.

The market for Holliday just isn’t what his agent, Scott Bor-ass, hyped it up to be for nearly two years. However, Bor-ass had the Cardinals right where he wanted them: needing to sign Holliday to save face, or risk throwing away multiple prospects for nothing.

So the Cardinals were able to successfully outbid…themselves. Congratulations. Was any other team offering anywhere near $120 million or seven years? Remember that when you’re paying $40 for your nosebleed seats, and you decide to wash down your $9 pretzel with a $12 beer.

In other Cardinals news, there have been rumblings that Felipe Lopez could make his long-awaited return to the Birds on the Bat and fill in the giant hole left at third base following the defections of Mark DeRosa and Troy Glaus, and of course the trade of Brett Wallace and friends for Holliday.

Oh, and I forgot to mention Joe Thurston, who Mozeliak had kidnapped and exiled to an undetermined third world country in order to prevent La Russa from playing the .225-hitting, no-power, no-speed, no-nothing nobody.

But seriously, Felipe Lopez?!? Give me a freaking break. Am I the only person that noticed Lopez is the absolute worst infielder in the history of the game? Come on.

All we are sayin’…is give (David) Freese a chance.

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6 Responses to Grubb Bites for January 5, 2010: Big Ten Network Comes to St. Louis

  1. Oh Mr. Grubb, what a fantastic read, very entertaining. You are correct sir, Big Ten Network has been added to the Digital Only Basic Expanded line-up, which means you will need some form of digital converter, could be Dig Box, CableCARD, HD COnverter, or DVR, all will allow you to fulfill your desires. Any Charter Agent can get you set up with that.

    If you have any additional questions, please feel to reach out to us at Umatter2Charter@chartercom.com.

    Thanks, Eric

    Eric Ketzer
    Social Media Communications Manager
    Charter Communications

    • Grubb says:

      Good to know, Mr. Ketzer. However, I did notice today that BTN is not offered in HD form (like MLB Network is). Booooooooo. I guess that means there’s no alternate games shown either. At least you have BTN now, which is better than nothing, but not much else.

      Any chance Charter would throw us Illinois fans a bone and show the BTN broadcast feeds of Illini football and basketball games on public access channels (like Ch. 3 and Ch. 8 here in St. Louis) they way they used to when the Big Ten conference was still part of the ESPN Plus network, for us lowly non-digital subscribers? Ahhhh, those were the days.

  2. beals says:

    DirecTV Grubby!

  3. The Rube says:

    Have we given up on blogging Mr. Grubb or are we waiting for the summer solstice to start again?

    • Grubb says:

      Brand new post Rube, hot off the press! Okay, so a shade under six months is probably a little too much time in between posts. Much like my Facebook relationship status, “It’s Complicated”. Actually, “Non-Existent” would likely be more accurate, but they don’t have a check box for that.

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