While You Weren’t Watching: PBA Tournament of Champions

January 27, 2011

With an unprecedented million-dollar purse at stake, literally hundreds of bowling-crazed viewers tuned in over the weekend to watch the 2011 PBA Tournament of Champions.

The massive audience was no doubt the result of the PBA’s long-awaited return to the ABC network after a 14-year absence, as well as the $250,000 winner’s prize–which coincidentally is exactly how much Albert Pujols makes in the time it takes you to stand in line at the restroom at Busch Stadium. And that’s before his new deal.

On the off chance that your remote didn’t run out of batteries last Saturday with the television stuck on ABC, here’s what happened while you weren’t watching:

1) Cinderfella Story:  The TOC’s No. 1 seed was a man by the name of Tom Smallwood, who recently made the impossible climb from unemployed auto worker to professional bowler.  Now, I know what you’re thinking: Unemployed auto workers…bowling? What are the odds?

As you can see, this guy eats pins for breakfast. And paint chips. And the less valuable parts of his action figure collection. And a lot of other things generally deemed hazardous to children.

2) Creative Signs:  Bowling fans are, by nature, an artistic bunch. And nothing brings this out like the time-tested medium of poster board and permanent marker. For example, here’s a fan who, in his own unique way, wanted to show his appreciation to ABC for broadcasting the event:

Not to be outdone, here’s a fan of the aforementioned Smallwood that has truly mastered the art of word play:

There are probably a few porn stars that would disagree, but for the most part this statement rings absolutely true.###MORE###

3) Gratuitous Close-ups of Men’s Asses:  Perhaps no sport provides more male ass action than bowling, and on this day the camera was in love with Finland’s Mika Koivuniemi.

Koivuniemi came one pin shy of a perfect game on his way to winning the TOC and taking home the grand prize, which ended up being slightly less than Cliff Lee’s 2010 World Series loser bonus.

4) Persuasive Commercials:  Okay, I’ll admit it. I had never really given much thought to bowling with the United States Bowling Congress, otherwise known as the USBC. Never had a reason to, until now:

A night out with the guys and plenty of ass in my face? Sign me up!