So the Brewers…You’re Talking About Beer Right?

March 3, 2011

Spring training is officially underway this week, accompanied by the usual in-depth reports on all 30 major league clubs.

Can the Kansas City Royals go all the way? Will the Pittsburgh Pirates dominate the NL Central? Are the Yankees really the worst team in the league? Now is the time to get the skinny on your favorite team.

USA Today has decided to focus on the Milwaukee Brewers this spring, in a periodic series that goes behind the scenes to learn more about the team and its lofty expectations for the coming season.

Apparently there was a lot for USA Today to learn about the Brewers, like their team nickname refers to people that make beer, for instance. The excitement of this realization proved too much for them to handle.

In this week’s very first article in the series, the USA Today headline writers exploded in a drunken orgy of beer references, starting with the main headline, “Brewers believe in recipe.”

These particular headline writers simply did not know when to say when. There are five references to beer or beer making in this first cover story alone, from “new ingredients on roster” to “orientation day is strange brew” to describing the team as “stocked.”

If this trend continues, what sort of headlines might we see in future editions of the series? Here are some thoughts on how the season might unfold:

-Brewers Enjoy Flavor of Successful Spring
-Brewers Enter Regular Season With Winning Formula
-Brewers Pour It On Against First-Place Pirates
-NL Central-Leading Pirates Back on the Wagon With Win Over Brewers
-Brewers Show Signs of Hangover from Yesterday’s Loss
-Brewers Go on Month-Long Losing Bender
-Expiration Date on Milwaukee’s Playoff Chances Looms
-Brewers’ Season Officially On the Rocks
-Pirates Beat Brewers Like Alcoholic Stepdad Beats Ungrateful Stepchildren
-Fans of Brewers Vomit on Selves, Experience Remorse
-Billy Brewer Charged With Public Intoxication, Indecent Exposure at Water Park
-Billy Brewer Banned for Life From Wisconsin Dells
-Ill-Fated Sausage Race Ends In Carnage
-Alcohol Makes Headline Writers Stupid, Suffer From Dementia, Experts Say

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Blake Griffin Props Up NBA Dunk Contest

February 24, 2011

Check out this great column from one of our favorite blogs, Joe Sports Fan. What makes it so great? Well, to be blunt, I wrote it.

In case you didn’t know (and you sure as hell wouldn’t from reading this blog) a little over a month ago I started contributing to Joe Sports Fan: an online publication that celebrates the absurdity of professional sports.

The column above is about Los Angeles Clippers rookie Blake Griffin and his super-human ability to leap small, sporty sedans in a single bound, which he demonstrated at the NBA’s All-Star Slam Dunk Contest last weekend.

And if none of this is enough to entice you, there’s a lot of wild and – dare I say – crazy pictures, including one of a giraffe. Enjoy.

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Posted by Grubb

Cutler Knee to Meet Same Fate as Bartman Ball

February 3, 2011

A group of Chicago Bears fans have announced plans to detonate the knee of quarterback Jay Cutler during an upcoming charity event. This comes in the wake of the recent debacle that unfolded in the NFC Championship game, which saw the Bears lose to hated rival Green Bay and Cutler leave the game due to what many thought was a questionable injury.

All proceeds from the event–to be held February 26 at Mike Ditka’s restaurant in downtown Chicago–will go to benefit No Limb-Its, a local charity that supports those who have lost arms and legs in unexplained fireworks accidents.  In order to give potential donors an idea of what to expect, the group released this photo depicting the fate awaiting Cutler’s left knee:

According to Steve Kowalski, a member of the group organizing the event, the main purpose of exploding of Cutler’s knee is to rid the Bears of any potential curse that might be lingering as a result of NFC Championship loss.

“I know I’ll sleep easier at night knowing we blew up his knee,” said Kowalski. “Better to be safe than sorry, you know?”

Another organizer, Bob Kowalczyk, said the public detonation presents an opportunity for Cutler to prove his toughness to Bears fans, which was thrown into question after he left in the second half of the NFC Championship with a Grade II MCL sprain, essentially the same as an MCL tear.

“This way, the knee will be sufficiently injured to every Bears fan’s satisfaction,” Kowalczyk went on to say. “Nobody in their right mind would ever question the toughness of someone coming back from their knee being exploded by dynamite.”

However, Hall of Fame defensive end Jack Youngblood remained unimpressed. Appearing on a nationally syndicated sports radio show, Youngblood said he played the entire second half of the 1976 season on an exploded knee, including the playoffs. According to Youngblood, he received a cortisone injection prior to each game, and also used a brace.

When approached by reporters this week, Cutler seemed indifferent to the idea of having his knee blown up.

“If it helps my team win, I’ll do it,” Cutler said while staring at a discoloration in the floor. “I mean, whatever. I don’t really care. I’m just looking forward to next season, I guess.”

The publicity stunt is eerily reminiscent of what happened to the infamous Steve Bartman ball in February of 2004, when it was obliterated on live television at Harry Caray’s restaurant in downtown Chicago following the Cubs loss in the NLCS:

At the time, the Bartman ball incident was the most recent in a long line of such incidents cited by Cubs fans as to why the team has not won a World Series since 1908. In fact, it quickly became the most notorious of these incidents, surpassing that of extremely terrible baseball at inopportune moments.

The Bears have experienced a championship drought of their own, not having won a Super Bowl since the 1985 season.

Leave a Comment » | Chicago Bears, Joe Sports Fan, The Grubbion | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

While You Weren’t Watching: PBA Tournament of Champions

January 27, 2011

With an unprecedented million-dollar purse at stake, literally hundreds of bowling-crazed viewers tuned in over the weekend to watch the 2011 PBA Tournament of Champions.

The massive audience was no doubt the result of the PBA’s long-awaited return to the ABC network after a 14-year absence, as well as the $250,000 winner’s prize–which coincidentally is exactly how much Albert Pujols makes in the time it takes you to stand in line at the restroom at Busch Stadium. And that’s before his new deal.

On the off chance that your remote didn’t run out of batteries last Saturday with the television stuck on ABC, here’s what happened while you weren’t watching:

1) Cinderfella Story:  The TOC’s No. 1 seed was a man by the name of Tom Smallwood, who recently made the impossible climb from unemployed auto worker to professional bowler.  Now, I know what you’re thinking: Unemployed auto workers…bowling? What are the odds?

As you can see, this guy eats pins for breakfast. And paint chips. And the less valuable parts of his action figure collection. And a lot of other things generally deemed hazardous to children.

2) Creative Signs:  Bowling fans are, by nature, an artistic bunch. And nothing brings this out like the time-tested medium of poster board and permanent marker. For example, here’s a fan who, in his own unique way, wanted to show his appreciation to ABC for broadcasting the event:

Not to be outdone, here’s a fan of the aforementioned Smallwood that has truly mastered the art of word play:

There are probably a few porn stars that would disagree, but for the most part this statement rings absolutely true.###MORE###

3) Gratuitous Close-ups of Men’s Asses:  Perhaps no sport provides more male ass action than bowling, and on this day the camera was in love with Finland’s Mika Koivuniemi.

Koivuniemi came one pin shy of a perfect game on his way to winning the TOC and taking home the grand prize, which ended up being slightly less than Cliff Lee’s 2010 World Series loser bonus.

4) Persuasive Commercials:  Okay, I’ll admit it. I had never really given much thought to bowling with the United States Bowling Congress, otherwise known as the USBC. Never had a reason to, until now:

A night out with the guys and plenty of ass in my face? Sign me up!

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Tony La Russa Roasted…Vegetarian Style, of course

January 20, 2011

[Please welcome the newest addition to the JoeSportsFan.com contigent, Michael Grubb]

Dean Martin, Don Rickles, Bob Hope, Greg Giraldo, Jeffrey Ross…and Tony La Russa?

Under normal circumstances, Tony La Russa and a sense of humor go together about as well as animal rights and a thick, juicy steak.  Typically you’d need a canister of tear gas to elicit something resembling laughter from the all-too-serious skipper.

But few punches were pulled Sunday at the annual St. Louis chapter BBWAA dinner. Like his crippling phobia of young players. Surely there were some good barbs about that right? Or his general dourness during postgame news conferences, where he often looks as though his third-favorite dog just had to be put down. Probably some real knee slappers there. Then there’s the one about his lineup cards being like snowflakes. No two are ever alike. Ever.

Okay, so maybe some of those didn’t make the final cut. But there were a handful jokes about falling asleep at the wheel. But hey, it was all in good fun. I’m sure Josh Hancock’s family was in stitches.

Most of Tony’s lifelong friends were in attendance, which even included a few bipeds. Friends like fellow baseball manager Jim Leyland, former Indiana basketball coach Bob Knight, and a kangaroo.

At one point, actor and notorious Cardinals suck-up Billy Bob Thornton praised both Knight and La Russa for being old school coaches, saying, “The more chairs Bob throws, the more I love him.”

This prompted Knight to honor Thornton’s words and La Russa by…what else? Throwing a chair.

Later, Knight choked a college kid and berated and physically intimidated a female secretary as part of the gag. All laughed heartily.

Unfortunately, longtime friend Bill Belichick was too busy watching his Patriots get booted from the playoffs by the New York Jets (sorry, I couldn’t resist). Which is too bad, rumor has it that Belichick tells a mean knock-knock joke.

Singer Bruce Hornsby was also unable to make the event. Attending on his behalf was The Range, which had nothing else to do.

Leave a Comment » | Joe Sports Fan, St. Louis Cardinals | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

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