Longtime Miami Coach Opens 32nd Restaurant in St. Louis, Film at Eleven

June 10, 2011

It’s probably a safe bet that few people under the age of 60 still regularly watch local Sunday night sports shows. Their viewer demographics are similar to pretty much any show in CBS’s primetime lineup that isn‘t “Two and a Half Men“ or “How I Met Your Mother.”

But just like with NCIS, CSI or AARP, those young whippersnappers just don’t know what they’re missing, like hard-hitting interviews with players and coaches pimping their new sports-themed restaurants. Take this enthralling back-and-forth with NFL Hall of Fame coach Don Shula, who recently opened his 32nd restaurant in St. Louis. 

Perhaps the most fascinating part was finding out why Shula chose St. Louis as the 32nd-best spot in the country to put a restaurant. You’d think it was because, well, he already has them in places like Birmingham, Alabama and Providence, Rhode Island – so why the hell not put one in St. Louis? It’s almost as interesting as finding out why a McDonald’s location was chosen.

I was happy to discover that St. Louis was picked because Shula has “always enjoyed St. Louis” and “admired it as a sports town” and that the people here “get hungry.” Hey, we’re not America’s Fattest City seven years running for nothing. We do get pretty damn hungry, as if hunger was a prerequisite for eating anyway.

Besides, after Pujols 5 Westport Grill, Jim Edmonds 15 Steakhouse, Mike Shannon’s Steaks and Seafood, Dierdorf & Hart’s, Ozzie’s Restaurant and Sports Bar, and another million I’m probably forgetting, St. Louis could use another sports-themed restaurant based on a guy that never coached, played, or really even set foot much in St. Louis.

But it’s not just about the food. At Shula’s new restaurant, there will be plenty of cool things on the wall, pictures, footballs, etc. – once again setting it apart from other athletes’ and coaches’ restaurants – mainly because most St. Louisans won’t care about memorabilia from the career of a guy that never played or coached there. 

Imagine the conversations you’ll have while eating your 18 dollar Shula‘s Steak Tips Sandwich. Conversations like “Who the hell is that?” and “My God, there are a lot of pictures of Dan Marino in this place.”

During his all-out local media blitz, Shula talked about another thing St. Louisans could care less about, the NBA Finals.

Yep, Shula is about as excited about the prospect of a Miami Heat championship as he is picking out restaurant location number 33 – coming soon to Biloxi, Mississippi.

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Isaac Bruce Looked Up to…Isaac Bruce?

June 3, 2011

Most of us as kids can remember looking up to superstars – be they athletes, entertainers, authors, what have you – and wanting to emulate them and grow up to be like them.

As far as professional athletes go, it would be difficult to think of a better role model for youngsters than former St. Louis Rams wide receiver Isaac Bruce.

Bruce’s philanthropic commitments were once again on display recently when he hosted a free football clinic for kids at a local St. Louis area high school.

There were probably a lot of kids at that clinic that look up to Isaac Bruce and want to emulate him.

But just who did Isaac Bruce look up to as a child? According to the following interview, the answer might not be as simple as you think.

Apparently, Isaac Bruce the child wanted to grow up to be like Isaac Bruce the adult. Which I for one feel is a good thing. It would have been a shame for Isaac Bruce to grow up to be like fellow Rams wide receiver Torry Holt, for example. Not to mention how confusing that would have been for quarterback Kurt Warner, let alone the guy that made the programs.

Also, it seems Isaac Bruce isn’t exactly sure who or what he is. Or maybe he just thinks kids aren’t sure. Is he a cyborg sent from the future to save mankind? An android? A phantom? Geraldo Rivera? A phantom?

Despite our education system’s ever-decreasing test scores, especially in areas like science and math, I’m guessing most kids would be able to correctly identify Isaac Bruce as a human being.

In any event, I think the lesson Isaac Bruce is trying to impart is that kids should pick their role models wisely, not simply emulate someone because they happen to be standing in front of a camera with a microphone in their face. If that were the case, kids might want to grow up to be like someone who’s house was destroyed in a flood, the weatherman, a used car salesman in a cheap suit, or Antoine Dodson.

But it goes beyond that. Youngsters shouldn’t blindly follow any athlete or celebrity.

Just like Isaac Bruce said he did when he was growing up, kids today should “take an opportunity to do some research, dig and do some things and qualities and have them, like Isaac Bruce has.”

And then if you find that they are good people as a whole, like Isaac Bruce, well then you should look up to them. Like Isaac Bruce.

Those are the people Isaac Bruce wanted to be like. And look how he turned out: just like Isaac Bruce.

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Elderly Tigers Fan Waits for Belated Birthday Present

May 22, 2011

All Mary Johnson wanted to do for her 104th birthday was see her beloved Detroit Tigers at Comerica Park for the very first time.

But Mother Nature decided to play a cruel joke–much like the one God plays when he keeps a human being alive for 104 years–and last Sunday’s the game against the Kansas City Royals was rained out.

So Mary Johnson’s first game at Comerica will have to wait, which shouldn’t be a problem. After 104 years, what’s another couple of weeks?

Johnson maintains a youthful exuberance despite her advanced age. She credits Vaseline for her wrinkle-free skin and her sharply parted hair.

Mary Johnson

So when that sweet old lady, still full of life, finally makes it through those turnstiles, you just know she’s really going to enjoy herself. In fact, here are some of the things we can imagine the 104 year-old woman saying to the fans seated around her once that much-anticipated moment finally arrives:

“Nine dollars for a beer!? Why, I remember when nine dollars got you a giant bag of opium and a date with a gigolo!”

“I’d love to have a peanut deary, but unfortunately I left my teeth in the car.”

“Why, I remember when this was gang land as far as the eye could see!”

“This exploding scoreboard both amazes and frightens me at the same time.”

“I like that Scott Sizemore, he’s such a nice boy, with a nice face.”

“When you live to be as old as I am, the long lines at the bathroom don’t bother you so much. Probably because you can pretty much go wherever you want. Like right now, for example.”

“I’ll recognize the state of Arizona before you’ll ever get me to recognize the designated hitter! Ptooey!”

“That Ty Cobb was such a gentleman. Never had a bad word to say about anyone, bless his heart.”

“I can do the wave! Just watch me. Here I go…Oww!! My hip!”

“I stuffed my purse full of packets of pickle relish. They won’t let us have pickle relish at the home. I like pickle relish. I stuffed my purse full of packets of pickle relish. They won’t let us have pickle relish at the home. I like pickle relish…”

“Come on pitcher, throw the ball to the plate! While we’re young, damn it!”

“Oh, I wish my grandchildren were alive to see this!”

“That sun’s a bright one today! Good thing I brought an extra tub of Vaseline. Mmm, creamy!”

“I wish those young women dressed as whores would catapult a T-shirt over here.”

“Why, I can remember when baseball was called ‘Bag Ball.’ And before that it was called ‘Hickory Sticks.’ And before that it was called ‘Hey Everybody, Let’s Beat Up the Irish.’”

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Memo to Cubs Fans: Don’t Block the Plate

May 13, 2011

The state of Illinois hopes to be selling vanity and personalized license plates featuring the St. Louis Cardinals team logo and colors in the very near future.

If Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White has his way, the Cardinals will join Chicago’s Blackhawks, Cubs, Bears, Bulls, and White Sox as part of program to sell plates in order to raise money for education.

As could be expected, the measure has been met with some major grumbling by politicians, media types, and fans in the northern part of the state, even being referred to as “blasphemy” in some circles.

The opposition’s main point of contention: The Cardinals are from the state of Missouri, not Illinois.

This seems a tad irrelevant. For one thing, you’d think a state as broke as Illinois would be okay with selling Manchester United license plates if they made money, let alone wringing their hands over a team that resides just across a river and has several million of its fans living within its own borders, paying taxes for things like White Sox stadiums they’ll never visit.

It makes you wonder if an effort to block the Cardinals from being added to the program is in the works.

If that happens though, I for one think downstate Illinois Cardinals fans should respect the wishes of the citizens of their state. This is a democracy, and the majority rules.

Besides, while the state can dictate which professional sports teams it will feature on personalized license plates; it can’t (completely) tell you what to put on those plates.

So if you’re a Cardinal fan living in Illinois, and you find yourself unable to buy Cardinals vanity license plates, maybe you buy Cubs plates that celebrate one of the team’s many famous collapses.

Or perhaps, as an Illinois Cardinal fan, rather than focusing on a specific event of failure, you’d like your personalized Cubs plates to be more of a general commentary on the condition of Cubs baseball for the past century-plus.

A Cardinal fan living in Illinois could also take the more direct approach – short, succinct, and to the point.

So fear not, Cardinal fans of Central and Southern Illinois. Being restricted to having only Illinois professional teams on your license plates wouldn’t be the worst thing. Being born a Cubs fan would.

Just remember, there may be a limit of seven characters on the Cubs plates, but there’s no limit on the Cubs’ ineptitude.

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You Can Take the Mask Off Now, Tony

April 29, 2011

Tony La Russa isn’t really a big football fan type. The sport is far too barbaric for an enlightened fellow like the St. Louis Cardinals skipper. I’m guessing he’d be more at home attending an upscale wine tasting or the symphony. As far as bowls go, he’s obviously more Puppy than Super.

Which is why it’s kind of ironic that his daughter, Bianca, recently made the Oakland Raiders cheerleading squad.

Raiders fans are notorious for taking barbarism to a whole new level. Nothing exemplifies this more than the costume-clad weirdos that make up the Black Hole, a designated  area of the Coliseum occupied by the team’s rowdiest (read: dumbest) fans.

However, according to JSF sources, Tony has been getting into the Raiders spirit since Bianca became a Raiderette, even going as far as reserving a spot in the Black Hole so he can watch his daughter cheer in person. Of course, this requires he don a scary costume and mask. Thankfully, in light of recent events and diseases, this shouldn’t be a problem.

This is the father of an NFL cheerleader? Really? All things considered though, it’s a good thing La Russa is only a fan of the Raiderettes and not their manager. Otherwise, given his well-known preference for veterans over youth, you might get a cheerleading squad that looks something like this:

Although at four feet 10 inches tall, Estelle Getty is a prime candidate for a middle infield spot. Just ask Aaron Miles, Mike Gallego, César Izturis, and Nick Punto.

Leave a Comment » | Joe Sports Fan, NFL, St. Louis Cardinals | Permalink
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Cardinals Had an Eye on Jake Westbrook All Along

April 22, 2011

Just before the trade deadline last July, the St. Louis Cardinals sent popular outfielder Ryan Ludwick to San Diego in a three way deal that netted them pitcher Jake Westbrook from Cleveland.

Although not exactly a hit with fans at the time, general manager John Mozeliak lauded the deal, citing the club’s need to bolster the starting pitching with injuries to Brad Penny and Kyle Lohse.

“We’ve been looking for a quality starting pitcher to add to our rotation for some time,” Mozeliak said shortly after the trade. “Westbrook is someone we’ve had our eyes on for a good period of time.”

Unfortunately, Westbrook has had a rough go of it so far this season. On Wednesday, he got pounded again for seven runs in only three innings of work, raising his ERA to a lofty 7.63.

For his career, the 33 year-old Westbrook is but a sub-.500 pitcher, going 74-76 with a 4.33 ERA in 11 major league seasons.

So exactly which eyes did the Cardinals have on Westbrook all that time? Apparently this was one of them:

Never let it be said that Tony La Russa doesn’t have an eye for talent. It’s just that his eye for talent suffers from conjunctivitis too.

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Trump Practices Driving Indy 500 Pace Car

April 15, 2011

Last week Donald Trump was selected to drive the pace car for the Indianapolis 500. Trump will lead the field of drivers for year’s 100th anniversary race in a 2011 Chevrolet Camaro Convertible.

That’s right, a convertible. This for the man notorious for having the world’s worst comb over. Under normal circumstances, billionaires and convertible sports cars go together like Gary Busey and scaring small children.

But when you’ve got a hairdo shaped like a Dairy Queen sundae, this presents a problem.

Before you start thinking this whole thing has disaster written all over it, keep in mind Trump is treating the assignment very seriously. According to reports, he’s been preparing for the May 29th event by taking numerous practice laps around Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

In a JSF exclusive, our crack staff has obtained aerial photos of the Donald squaring off against his arch nemesis, the convertible; and to a lesser extent, wind.

This first photo exclusive shows Trump as he starts to pick up some speed. At this point, the ten freakishly long hairs on his head are still holding up fairly well.

Unfortunately, it’s just the start of his practice run. As the driver of the official pace car of the Indianapolis 500, the real estate mogul and star of NBC‘s “Celebrity Apprentice” can expect to reach speeds of up to 140 miles per hour.

This can create what is known as a “wind tunnel” effect, a condition where winds swirl at a very high velocity, essentially forming a cyclone.

At extremely high speeds of over 200 miles per hour, commonly referred to in the industry as ludicrous speed, metabolic changes to the hair can occur, causing strange and often unpredictable side effects.

No matter what happens though, you can be sure that daughter Ivanka and son Donald Jr. will be at their father’s side, nodding incessantly in approval to everything he says or does.

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Effort to Sign Number Five Is Not Malfunction

April 8, 2011

Self-imposed, arbitrary deadlines have come and gone. The regular season has started with a bit of a speed bump to say the least. Cracks in Tony La Russa’s sullen, joyless façade have already started to appear.

What once seemed like the unthinkable to the St. Louis Cardinals and the team’s loyal fans – Albert Pujols wearing his signature Number Five on a uniform other than one comprised of two parts bird and one part bat – has started to slowly creep into the realm of the imaginable.

In fact, there hasn’t been this much buzz over a Number Five since a cute, quirky robot starving for input shared the silver screen with Steven Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy, and later foiled bank robbers in an obligatory yet underappreciated sequel.

Even talk of Albert joining the dreaded Chicago Cubs has started to make a modicum of sense.  I mean, why else would the Cubs sign 32 year-old Carlos Pena to a one-year deal, unless they were hoping to be able to make a run at Pujols the free agent this winter? Everybody knows the Cubs like to overpay for terrible players. Alfonso Soriano in left field makes Chris Duncan look like, well, Shelley Duncan. Just imagine what they would be willing to pay a future Hall-of-Famer still in MVP form?

Come on mang, this can’t be happening, can it? Won’t somebody do something? Please, think of the children!

Actually, somebody has. A local St. Louis group has started a website called SignPujols.org. Its mission:  keep the career of Number Five alive and with the Cardinals.

How do they propose to do this? By selling metal signs featuring a skillfully crafted sketch drawing of Prince Albert with the phrase “Sign Pujols” in big, bold lettering:

Sign Pujols Sign

The idea is that fans will buy the signs, bring them to the game, or otherwise prominently display them, thus letting Albert know we’d like him to remain a Cardinal. The best part is that all proceeds from sales of the signs go to Albert’s charity, the Pujols Family Foundation.

So buy a sign, cross your finger and pray to Gah, and maybe just maybe, we can get Albert Pujols to stick with St. Louis. Because letting Number Five go to another team, especially the arch-rival Cubs, could very well make the Cardinals look like numskulls for years to come.

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Snapshots of the Barry Bonds Perjury Trial

April 1, 2011

The trial of Barry Bonds is well underway, with baseball’s all-time home run king (cough) being charged with perjury and obstruction of justice for lying under oath to a grand jury in the 2003 BALCO case.

There for every juicy detail along the way has been the USA Today, which has published one, sometimes two, articles every day since before the trial even started.

In addition to the extensive story coverage, the USA Today Snapshot® has also been zeroing in on the Bonds perjury trial. As anyone that has read the publication knows, the USA Today Snapshots® are those visually appealing graphics that appear at the bottom left on the cover of every section, presenting information on a topic in a straightforward and easy-to-understand way.

For example, just this week an article ran that reported on the testimony of San Francisco Giants equipment manager Mike Murphy, who said that Bonds hat size increased noticeably from one year to the next. That same day, this Snapshot® appeared on the cover of the USA today sports section, at least it did in the USA Today we picked up.  Then again, maybe we got a one-of-a-kind edition:

Perhaps the most sensational testimony so far has come from longtime mistress Kimberly Bell, who testified that Bonds went through dramatic body changes in the early 2000’s, saying, “The shape, size of his testicles, (they were) smaller and a different shape. And he had trouble keeping an erection. He tried to solve the problem. He had never experienced that.”

When questioned at length by prosecutors, Bell went into great detail on the subject of Bonds’ sexual dysfunction. The graphic artists at the USA Today later capitalized on the extensive testimony to create this Snapshot®:

Bell also gave heart-wrenching testimony about Bonds’ fits of rage due to prolonged steroid use, saying that he often told her, “That he would cut my head off and leave it in a ditch.” As anyone that regularly follows it knows, baseball is a game of statistics. Digging deep into the vast MLB statistical archives, the USA Today came up with this Snapshot®:

For those that want to follow an ongoing story like the Bonds’ trial, but perhaps find the fourth-grade reading level of the USA too difficult to understand, or simply don’t have the time to read an entire article from beginning to end, the USA Today Snapshot® has long been an effective and efficient tool for staying up to date on current events and issues.

Leave a Comment » | Joe Sports Fan, MLB, San Francisco Giants, The Grubbion | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

Elder Fredette Brother TJ Delivers on Promise to Jimmer

March 25, 2011

If you have paid any attention to the national sensation that is Jimmer Fredette, or watched any of BYU’s recent games, you might have seen the story of the “contract.”

Back in 2007, Jimmer signed a homemade contract that his older brother TJ drew up for him. Though just in high school at the time, it forced Jimmer to commit to his dream of one day playing in the NBA. It was a solemn pledge to his brother to do everything in his power to make that dream come true, and take nothing for granted along the way.

In case you haven’t seen it, here is a photo of that contract, crudely written in black marker on a simple piece of paper.

There’s no doubt that the contract, which still hangs above his bed at night, has served as a source of inspiration to Jimmer.

And in turn, Jimmer has inspired the elder TJ, himself an aspiring rap artist. You may have heard the song he released about Jimmer and his wizardry on the court, appropriately titled, “Amazing.”

But what was the real nexus of the “Amazing” rap song, as well as the up-and-coming musical career of TJ Fredette? You might be surprised to discover that this too started with a contract.

In a JSF exclusive, our sources have obtained this contract, which Jimmer drew up for his brother the very next day back in 2007. This time, TJ is the one making the promise to stop at nothing to achieve his ultimate goal.

Two brothers: committing to greatness. It just goes to show the power of the pen, or in this case, magic marker. The only way their bond could be any stronger would be to write it in glitter.

Leave a Comment » | College Sports, Joe Sports Fan | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

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