Tale of the Tape: NFL vs. Modern-Day Slavery

March 17, 2011

Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson raised some eyebrows this week when he likened the current NFL labor situation to “modern-day slavery” in an interview with Yahoo Sports.

Peterson might be surprised to know that modern-day slavery actually still exists, most often in the form of bonded labor and human trafficking.  So perhaps we shouldn’t be so hasty as to dismiss his claims as yet another pampered, out-of-touch professional athlete spouting off about the hardships of being a twenty-something millionaire adored by fans for playing a game.

Instead, let’s go to the tale of the tape: Working for the NFL vs. Modern-Day Slavery…

It was a close call, but I think the NFL players may have a better set up.  Thankfully, I’m guessing most players–including Green Bay Packers running back Ryan Grant –would agree.

Besides, it might not even be the worst analogy we’ve heard lately, given that Dwayne Wade said people act like the World Trade Center collapsed every time the Miami Heat lose a few games, and Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy compared NBA commissioner David Stern to Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi because of the lack of flagrant fouls drawn by center Dwight Howard.

At least their comments make it crystal clear that one thing you do not need to make your living in the professional sports world is perspective.


Newton or Tebow: Who Will Make a Better Pro?

March 11, 2011

Without a doubt, the two most celebrated quarterbacks to come out of college the last couple years are Tim Tebow and Cam Newton, which begs the question: Of the two, who will have a more successful professional career?

NFL scouts and general managers like to toss around terms like “passing accuracy” and “intelligence” when evaluating young quarterbacks, constantly using unfair criteria such as these to make snap judgments on their potential.

Another useless term scouts like to constantly harp on is “footwork.”  I mean, come on. You don’t throw a deep out pattern with your foot.
 
And just because Tebow and Newton possess virtually none of the typical characteristics of a franchise NFL quarterback, well, that doesn’t mean they won’t enjoy long and successful careers.

Fact is Tebow and Newton have many positive qualities that often go overlooked by scouts, despite being just as effective in determining future success. So let’s compare the two based on these criteria and predict which guy will make the better pro.

#1 – Jersey Sales 
Even though Cam Newton hasn’t been drafted yet, it would be hard to imagine him outselling Tebow’s jersey in Denver, where scores of Bronco fans like this one were proud to make Tebow’s No. 15 the third-best selling jersey of 2011.

Advantage: Tebow

#2 – National Championships
Vinny Testaverde, Tony Rice, Gino Torretta, Charlie Ward, Tommie Frazier, Danny Wuerffel, Brian Griese, Vince Young, Matt Leinart… nothing is a greater indicator of NFL success than for a quarterback to take home the mythical national championship. But since both Tebow and Newton each have one, it’s…

Advantage: Push

#3 – Trent Dilfer Arousal
Following Cam Newton’s recent Media Day workout, Trent Dilfer said, “If scouts had saw this they’d have been slobbering.” And the ESPN analyst with the penis-shaped head has consistently wet himself whenever the name Cam Newton has come up since.
Some even called it the best Media Day workout since JaMarcus Russell. We think that’s a good sign. 

Advantage: Newton

#4 – Josh McDaniels Confidence
Former Denver Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels traded a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th round pick in the 2010 NFL Draft to snatch up Tebow in the first round (25th overall), who many projected to be a 6th round pick at best, or not get drafted at all.

In addition to solid math skills, McDaniels is an unparalleled evaluator of talent, trading the likes of Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall, Peyton Hillis, and Tony Scheffler in guiding the Broncos from 8-8 to 4-12 in just two short seasons. He even brought in Brady Quinn for crying out loud. The guy just knows what he’s doing. 

Advantage: Tebow

#5 – Morals
You don’t get much more squeaky clean and wholesome than Tim Tebow, who has engaged in less premarital sex than the BYU basketball team, despite hanging around women like this:

On the other hand, there’s Ben Roethlisberger, who’s been to three Super Bowls and seems to get stronger with each rape. Even so…

Advantage: Tebow###MORE###

#6 – Being a Project
Whether it’s a model car or a challenging jigsaw puzzle, everyone loves a project. NFL coaches and general managers are no different, which is one of the reasons why guys like Tebow and Newton are so appealing. After all, the list of quarterbacks labeled as projects early in their careers that went on to win Super Bowls is long and well-documented.

Advantage: Push

And the final tally is:

Congratulations, Tim Tebow! You will have the better NFL career. And while that might not mean much, we’re pretty certain Josh McDaniels would still trade a 3rd round pick for one of your jerseys.


So the Brewers…You’re Talking About Beer Right?

March 3, 2011

Spring training is officially underway this week, accompanied by the usual in-depth reports on all 30 major league clubs.

Can the Kansas City Royals go all the way? Will the Pittsburgh Pirates dominate the NL Central? Are the Yankees really the worst team in the league? Now is the time to get the skinny on your favorite team.

USA Today has decided to focus on the Milwaukee Brewers this spring, in a periodic series that goes behind the scenes to learn more about the team and its lofty expectations for the coming season.

Apparently there was a lot for USA Today to learn about the Brewers, like their team nickname refers to people that make beer, for instance. The excitement of this realization proved too much for them to handle.

In this week’s very first article in the series, the USA Today headline writers exploded in a drunken orgy of beer references, starting with the main headline, “Brewers believe in recipe.”

These particular headline writers simply did not know when to say when. There are five references to beer or beer making in this first cover story alone, from “new ingredients on roster” to “orientation day is strange brew” to describing the team as “stocked.”

If this trend continues, what sort of headlines might we see in future editions of the series? Here are some thoughts on how the season might unfold:

-Brewers Enjoy Flavor of Successful Spring
-Brewers Enter Regular Season With Winning Formula
-Brewers Pour It On Against First-Place Pirates
-NL Central-Leading Pirates Back on the Wagon With Win Over Brewers
-Brewers Show Signs of Hangover from Yesterday’s Loss
-Brewers Go on Month-Long Losing Bender
-Expiration Date on Milwaukee’s Playoff Chances Looms
-Brewers’ Season Officially On the Rocks
-Pirates Beat Brewers Like Alcoholic Stepdad Beats Ungrateful Stepchildren
-Fans of Brewers Vomit on Selves, Experience Remorse
-Billy Brewer Charged With Public Intoxication, Indecent Exposure at Water Park
-Billy Brewer Banned for Life From Wisconsin Dells
-Ill-Fated Sausage Race Ends In Carnage
-Alcohol Makes Headline Writers Stupid, Suffer From Dementia, Experts Say


Blake Griffin Props Up NBA Dunk Contest

February 24, 2011

Check out this great column from one of our favorite blogs, Joe Sports Fan. What makes it so great? Well, to be blunt, I wrote it.

In case you didn’t know (and you sure as hell wouldn’t from reading this blog) a little over a month ago I started contributing to Joe Sports Fan: an online publication that celebrates the absurdity of professional sports.

The column above is about Los Angeles Clippers rookie Blake Griffin and his super-human ability to leap small, sporty sedans in a single bound, which he demonstrated at the NBA’s All-Star Slam Dunk Contest last weekend.

And if none of this is enough to entice you, there’s a lot of wild and – dare I say – crazy pictures, including one of a giraffe. Enjoy.


Griffin’s Dunk Deserves Props

February 24, 2011

At the NBA All-Star Slam Dunk Contest, Los Angeles Clippers rookie Blake Griffin elevated himself over a car, and in the process, some say he elevated the exhibition to new heights.

ESPN.com columnist John Hollinger was so inspired by Griffin’s dunk over the hood of a Kia Optima, he wrote that it helped save the event, and did so without featuring “the same dunks embellished only by increasingly hokey pranks” or “bizarre, attention-seeking props.”

Wait a minute. A car isn’t a prop? Sans the Kia, wouldn’t the dunk have been…hokey?

Hollinger did hit on one truism: The slam dunk contest is all about entertainment. Every year, players try to one-up what the last guy did. And now that bizarre, attention-seeking props–unlike in stand-up–are officially in vogue in the NBA, it gets me thinking: What kind of dunks can we expect in the future?

Following the contest, LeBron James gave us a peak at what lies ahead. LeBron said he could have beaten Griffin by dunking over a giraffe.

Yawn.  Is that really better than a car? A giraffe is a gentle, timid creature–nature’s pushover.
Ever see a giraffe pick a fight with a rhinoceros? Me neither. No, we need something a little more dangerous like…

Fighting lions! Much better. Slamming a basketball over two man-eating, bloodthirsty beasts locked in struggle beats a stupid giraffe any day.

Mother Nature herself would also make for an interesting prop. After all, no one has ever attempted to throw the hammer down on a natural disaster before.

A dunk of this caliber would certainly impress the judges, but if I’m Clippers head coach Vinny Del Negro, I don’t want my star rookie dunking over an exploding pool of molten lava. What if he burned his elbow on a hot piece of ash? (Coincidentally, I just like saying, “hot piece of ash.”)

At this point, I’m not sure where else future dunkers can take it, unless they forgo the bounds of reality. Perhaps Hollywood should get involved, specifically George Lucas.###MORE###

This next one I call “Jock Jam”. It’s accompanied by loud, annoying music that was popular 20 years ago, and it makes you simultaneously want to stab your ears with a plastic fork and stand up and cheer.

Hmm…that might border on the bizarre. Let’s just stick to dunking over a Car.

See, I think Mr. Hollinger has it wrong. Bizarre, attention-seeking props, when used wisely, make everything better.

But in the hands of Carrot Top, they cause murder.


Shall We Play A Game?

February 4, 2011

Just in time for Super Bowl XVLKCXUY* it’s Grubb Hub: The Video Game. Simply head over to the Papa John’s Overtime Sweepstakes site at papajohnsot.com for hours of video gaming fun.

Be sure to turn up the speakers on your computer because several of the staff members here at Grubb Hub lended their voices to the game. See if you can guess which ones.

You can win lots of prizes by playing, most of which involve pizza, none of which involve extra butter. But everyone that registers an account at papajohns.com is eligible to win a free pizza if the Super Bowl goes into overtime.

*Roman numerals may not be accurate


Cutler Knee to Meet Same Fate as Bartman Ball

February 3, 2011

A group of Chicago Bears fans have announced plans to detonate the knee of quarterback Jay Cutler during an upcoming charity event. This comes in the wake of the recent debacle that unfolded in the NFC Championship game, which saw the Bears lose to hated rival Green Bay and Cutler leave the game due to what many thought was a questionable injury.

All proceeds from the event–to be held February 26 at Mike Ditka’s restaurant in downtown Chicago–will go to benefit No Limb-Its, a local charity that supports those who have lost arms and legs in unexplained fireworks accidents.  In order to give potential donors an idea of what to expect, the group released this photo depicting the fate awaiting Cutler’s left knee:

According to Steve Kowalski, a member of the group organizing the event, the main purpose of exploding of Cutler’s knee is to rid the Bears of any potential curse that might be lingering as a result of NFC Championship loss.

“I know I’ll sleep easier at night knowing we blew up his knee,” said Kowalski. “Better to be safe than sorry, you know?”

Another organizer, Bob Kowalczyk, said the public detonation presents an opportunity for Cutler to prove his toughness to Bears fans, which was thrown into question after he left in the second half of the NFC Championship with a Grade II MCL sprain, essentially the same as an MCL tear.

“This way, the knee will be sufficiently injured to every Bears fan’s satisfaction,” Kowalczyk went on to say. “Nobody in their right mind would ever question the toughness of someone coming back from their knee being exploded by dynamite.”

However, Hall of Fame defensive end Jack Youngblood remained unimpressed. Appearing on a nationally syndicated sports radio show, Youngblood said he played the entire second half of the 1976 season on an exploded knee, including the playoffs. According to Youngblood, he received a cortisone injection prior to each game, and also used a brace.

When approached by reporters this week, Cutler seemed indifferent to the idea of having his knee blown up.

“If it helps my team win, I’ll do it,” Cutler said while staring at a discoloration in the floor. “I mean, whatever. I don’t really care. I’m just looking forward to next season, I guess.”

The publicity stunt is eerily reminiscent of what happened to the infamous Steve Bartman ball in February of 2004, when it was obliterated on live television at Harry Caray’s restaurant in downtown Chicago following the Cubs loss in the NLCS:

At the time, the Bartman ball incident was the most recent in a long line of such incidents cited by Cubs fans as to why the team has not won a World Series since 1908. In fact, it quickly became the most notorious of these incidents, surpassing that of extremely terrible baseball at inopportune moments.

The Bears have experienced a championship drought of their own, not having won a Super Bowl since the 1985 season.


While You Weren’t Watching: PBA Tournament of Champions

January 27, 2011

With an unprecedented million-dollar purse at stake, literally hundreds of bowling-crazed viewers tuned in over the weekend to watch the 2011 PBA Tournament of Champions.

The massive audience was no doubt the result of the PBA’s long-awaited return to the ABC network after a 14-year absence, as well as the $250,000 winner’s prize–which coincidentally is exactly how much Albert Pujols makes in the time it takes you to stand in line at the restroom at Busch Stadium. And that’s before his new deal.

On the off chance that your remote didn’t run out of batteries last Saturday with the television stuck on ABC, here’s what happened while you weren’t watching:

1) Cinderfella Story:  The TOC’s No. 1 seed was a man by the name of Tom Smallwood, who recently made the impossible climb from unemployed auto worker to professional bowler.  Now, I know what you’re thinking: Unemployed auto workers…bowling? What are the odds?

As you can see, this guy eats pins for breakfast. And paint chips. And the less valuable parts of his action figure collection. And a lot of other things generally deemed hazardous to children.

2) Creative Signs:  Bowling fans are, by nature, an artistic bunch. And nothing brings this out like the time-tested medium of poster board and permanent marker. For example, here’s a fan who, in his own unique way, wanted to show his appreciation to ABC for broadcasting the event:

Not to be outdone, here’s a fan of the aforementioned Smallwood that has truly mastered the art of word play:

There are probably a few porn stars that would disagree, but for the most part this statement rings absolutely true.###MORE###

3) Gratuitous Close-ups of Men’s Asses:  Perhaps no sport provides more male ass action than bowling, and on this day the camera was in love with Finland’s Mika Koivuniemi.

Koivuniemi came one pin shy of a perfect game on his way to winning the TOC and taking home the grand prize, which ended up being slightly less than Cliff Lee’s 2010 World Series loser bonus.

4) Persuasive Commercials:  Okay, I’ll admit it. I had never really given much thought to bowling with the United States Bowling Congress, otherwise known as the USBC. Never had a reason to, until now:

A night out with the guys and plenty of ass in my face? Sign me up!


GrubbHub.net Is Born!

January 24, 2011

You’ve no doubt heard the rumors, and we’re here to confirm: Grubb Hub has a new domain name!

Yes, it only took two and a half years or so, but from here on out, the kind of quality, hard-hitting writing you’ve come to expect will now be delivered to you under the banner of GrubbHub.net.

At this point you might be asking, why not GrubbHub.org? It’s not like you make any money off this endeavor. Or what about GrubbHub.tv? That is how you spend most of your free time, as opposed to say…writing blog posts.

All good points, to which we would reply, “Shut up.”

So go tell your friends, neighbors, and co-workers that your 54th-favorite blog—a mere 50 or so spots behind a blog about pickles—has a new home: GrubbHub.net.

This is the kind of spontaneous publicity, our own domain name, that makes blogs. Things are going to start happening for us NOW.


“Smooth Pickles” Is On the Air

January 22, 2011

The roots of blogging run deep in the Grubb family, all the way back to the days of Billy “The Injun Killer” Grubb and his notorious reign of terror during the Wild West.

So it’s quite natural that other descendants of the Grubb tree feel the need to scratch their blogging itch. With that, I give you the Smooth Pickles Blog. It’s a blog about smooth pickle slices. You know, the kind you can’t buy from the supermarket. Those pickles have ridges. Only restaurants have pickles sliced without the ridges. It’s okay if you never noticed that before, we hadn’t either. I mean, why the hell would you?

Anyway, just because the author makes posts more often than we do here at Grubb Hub does not make it a better blog. It’s not a race.


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