That’s the Power of Mustaches

July 15, 2008

Of course, Huey Lewis and the News were singing about love. But they could have very well been singing about the recent exploits of New York Yankees slugger Jason Giambi, who has certainly felt the power of the mustache this season, narrowly missing out on becoming an American League All-Star.

This post, written for the American Mustache Institute, ponders the question of whether or not the mustache will catch on as the new performance-enhancing substance of choice in Major League Baseball. After seeing Giambi’s success, will other players “Want a New Drug?”

New Performance Enhancer Poised to Take Over Baseball?

In the wake of the longstanding steroids scandal surrounding Major League Baseball, any talk of performance enhancing substances is sure to make most fans a little squeamish.

Don’t worry though. The steroid monster is not rearing its ugly head again. And there hasn’t been any new revelations linking another player to Human Growth Hormone (HGH).  Amphetamines, once prevalent in the game long ago, aren’t making a comeback either.

No, instead we may be witnessing the early stages of the emergence of a performance-enhancing substance so powerful, so potent, and so virile that it makes all of the above look like Flinstone’s Vitamins.

Of course, I’m talking about the mustache.

get more Grubb…

Leave a Comment » | American Mustache Institute, Sports General | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

Miss Cleo Predicts: Mulder Will Never Again Pitch as a Starter (Effectively) for the Cardinals

July 8, 2008

On June 30th, Mark Mulder made his triumphant return to the mound for the St. Louis Cardinals. Unlike the previous 202 major league appearances in his career, this one was as a reliever, tossing a scoreless inning in closing out a 7-1 victory over the New York Mets.

Two days later, Mulder pitched again. This time it ended with different results, yielding two runs on as many hits while recording only one out. Technically speaking, it was also a blown save – albeit in the seventh inning. But the Cardinals rallied to win the game 8-7 over the same Mets.

On the basis of these two superlative outings, Mulder will be handed the ball as the starter for tonight’s contest against the Philadelphia Phillies for the first time since a triumvirate of trouncings late in the 2007 campaign.

See you later, Mitchell Boggs. And please, take your 3-0 record and your 95-plus mile per hour fastball with movement with you.

Read More…

4 Comments | Sports General, St. Louis Cardinals | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

Have Mustache, Will Travel

June 19, 2008

Recently, your humble correspondent was invited to write on another blog. No doubt this is a result of the overwhelming hilarity and poignancy of this blog, which all three of our loyal readers (whom we love and appreciate so much) have come to expect. And I must say, it’s high time we started getting noticed. So look out world, here we come!

It’s called the American Mustache Institute, and it is dedicated to “protecting the rights of, and fighting discrimination against, mustached Americans”. As a son of a mustached American, it’s a cause that has a special place in my heart. Actually, it’s a web site geared toward stuff that interests guys. Things like sports, music, beer, mustaches, and women. Things this perpetual bachelor knows a thing or two about (except the last one, of course).

The AMI blog also has at least thrice the readership of this blog (3 x 3 = 9), so in that sense it’s a big step up. So I guess I better be on my game, or I’ll be banished back to this crappy blog. Stupid life.

Fear not, I’ll still be posting stuff here. And I’ll always make a post here and provide a link to anything I write on AMI. So please continue to make Grubb Hub your one-stop shop for a stupid article every three weeks.

Until then, I hope you enjoy the début of the “biggrubbowski” (my blog handle) on the American Mustache Institute, a post entitled Kobe Hogs Ball, Celebs Hog Camera at 2008 NBA Finals.

Kobe Hogs Ball, Celebs Hog Camera at 2008 NBA Finals

On Tuesday night, the Boston Celtics whipped up on the Los Angeles Lakers 131-92, bringing an anticlimactic close to the much-hyped rematch some 21 years in the making.

Not even 472 shots by Kobe Bryant could prolong the series between two of the NBA’s most storied franchises which – more than any in recent memory – was chock full of history and hoopla, pomp and circumstance, peanut butter and jelly.

Oh, and one more thing…celebrities.

get more Grubb…

4 Comments | American Mustache Institute, Sports General | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

Move Over Jason vs. Freddy…Hello Jason vs. Chuck Norris

May 27, 2008

I know now that there is a ultimate purpose in the universe for the existence of on-demand cable movie services. And that is to prevent a magnificent gem of a movie like 1982’s “Silent Rage” from forever fading away into the abyss of obscurity.

As a result, the lucky few too cheap to order HBO and too indiscriminate to stay away from the free slate of darn-near public domain offerings served up by the friendly folks at FLIX On-Demand are allowed to uncover a nugget of wondrous goodness that is this film.

I am not exaggerating in the least when I say that this is quite possibly the greatest film of all time. This is the kind of movie that almost makes you glad you don’t have a wife or girlfriend to prevent you from watching it.

Yes, it’s that good. Or bad. Whatever.

In any event, if you want to know whether or not you too will love “Silent Rage”, you need only ask yourself the following two questions:

1) Do you like horror movies?
2) Do you like Chuck Norris?

If the answer was a resounding “YES” to either question, then put “Silent Rage” on your next order from Netflix or look for it the next time you visit the movie store in your local supermarket and/or truck stop.

Perhaps you would consider simply buying it from a discount web site like HotMovieSale.com. At $2.34, it is well worth the investment. Or you could just watch it for free on FLIX On-Demand like I did.

Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him!
Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him.
Take that, science!

Read more…

12 Comments | Masturdpiece Theater | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

Brendon Ryan Plays “Young” in 2008 Debut

May 5, 2008

Cardinals manager Tony La Russa has a reputation for not being the biggest fan of young and inexperienced players. Take Brendon Ryan, for example. Recently, La Russa was quoted in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch as saying that, contrary to whispers around the Cardinal clubhouse, he likes the spunky infielder. However, he went on to say that Ryan had a tendency to play “young”.

Normally, you would expect a word like “young” to carry negative connotations coming from La Russa. But after posting a batting average of .333 since being recalled from the minors on April 24, it’s clear that La Russa was complimenting Ryan on his sparkplug-like play, injecting offense into a position that has seen next to none from the incumbent retread Caesar Izturis, to go along with defense and speed on the base paths.

Of course, the last paragraph is written with my tongue firmly planted against the inner wall of my cheek. Okay, well so what if La Russa didn’t really mean it as a compliment. Does anyone really care if Ryan plays “young” anyway?

Memo to Tony La Dingfod: I would rather have a player that plays “young” than one that plays “terrible”, as in the case of Izturis.

Read more…

2 Comments | St. Louis Cardinals | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

Ted Turner on Global Warming: Eat Me

April 7, 2008

Appearing on the April 1st episode of “The Charlie Rose Show” on PBS, billionaire media mogul and cable network pioneer, Ted Turner, predicted a litany of dire consequences facing a future planet Earth ravaged by the effects of global warming.

The most notable among the many perils foretold by Turner, founder of channels such as CNN and Superstation WTBS, was a breakout of widespread cannibalism across the globe due to a halt in food production.

Ted Turner on Future Cannibalism

“It will be eight degrees hotter in 10 – well not 10 – but in 30 or 40 years,” said Turner. “And basically none of the crops will grow, most of the people will have died, and the rest of us will be cannibals.

“Civilization will have broken down. What few people will be left will be living in a failed state like Somalia or Sudan.”

Turner would say later in the interview that the few people left to inhabit the Earth after all the impending catastrophe and chaos would be “merely a few inches tall, have blue skin (a result of the Sun’s ultraviolet rays), and all of the female gender will die except for one. The remaining survivors will be males, making it very difficult for this new race of mutant people to reproduce.”

Read more…

2 Comments | The Grubbion | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

Reyes Given Eleventh-Hour Reprieve as Reliever

March 28, 2008

As spring training draws to a close, one of the more interesting roster decisions to come out of Camp Cardinal involves pitchers Anthony Reyes and Brad Thompson.

This is nothing new for Reyes, who is no doubt accustomed to being treated as a human yo-yo for the purposes of placating the inner child of manager Tony La Russa. Reyes has spent much of past few seasons bobbing up and down from St. Louis to AAA Memphis.

It appeared that despite a relatively strong spring a and a lack of healthy starting arms, Reyes was headed back to the minors. However, not too long after those reports surfaced, it was announced that Reyes had in fact made the team as a reliever, and Brad Thompson had won the job as the Cardinals fifth starter to begin the 2008 campaign.

Reyes and Thompson did have comparable numbers. Reyes posted 2-1 record with 3.32 ERA in 19 innings with a 13 strikeouts against only three walks. Thompson did slightly better, going 2-0 with a 2.76 ERA in 16-1/3 innings with a team-high 14 strikeouts versus four walks.

Even so, this still seems backward. The guy that has spent his whole career as a starter (Reyes) is the reliever, and the guy that has spent the vast majority of his time in the majors as a reliever is the starter (Thompson).

Then again, our “lead-off” hitter does bat ninth, so maybe it makes perfect sense.

Read more…

4 Comments | St. Louis Cardinals | Tagged: , | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

Pearl Before Swine…Sounds About Right

March 20, 2008

As the 2008 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament swings into high gear this weekend, University of Illinois fans find themselves in an unfamiliar and rather unpleasant situation.

For the past eight years, those of us without real lives have quite enjoyed taking that Thursday or Friday off work to sit at home or in the company of friends (only those that own HDTV’s) and watch our beloved Fighting Illini in their first round match up.

This year, much to my chagrin anyway, that is obviously not going to be the case. While Illinois made a valiant run to the finals of the Big Ten tournament, the Illini were rudely and thoroughly reminded of just how inferior they really were this season by a solid – albeit incredibly boring – Wisconsin group led by the perennial Big Ten coach of the year, Count Dracula.

So it would appear that Illinois fans have nothing to root for this time around. On the bright side though, there is plenty to root against. Sometimes, that can be just as fun (if not more).

Enter Bruce Pearl, the slimy, scumbag of a coach for the Tennessee Volunteers. Back in 1989, Pearl decided that a mini tape recorder, scissors, and Scotch tape would prove invaluable as recruiting tools in an effort to land Chicago Simeon star and McDonald’s All-American, Deon Thomas.
Read more…

10 Comments | Fighting Illini, Sports General | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

As Usual, Elway Saves the Best for Last

March 19, 2008

Originally published in the Daily Union (Shelbyville, IL) on February 2, 1999:

With as many pigskin prognosticators picking the Falcons in last Sunday’s Super Bowl as there were, one might have had the impression that they were the defending champions.

That’s just par for the course for the Denver Broncos, whose resounding losses during the franchise’s first four trips to the Super Bowl sadly earned them more disrespect than anything else.

Last year, most predicted the ever-glorious Packers, led by Brett Favrvrvrvre, would mop the field with John Elway’s head.

This year, the Falcons were supposed to hang in there ’til the final moments, with a chance to steal away a victory at the end.

Instead, Elway made the famed “Dirty Birds” look more like the “Diseased Pigeons”.

Read more…

11 Comments | Denver Broncos, The Vault | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

Nagin Voted Most Vagina Friendly, Craig Nabs Similar Award Among Penises

March 19, 2008

While welcoming Eve Ensler, author of the famous “Vagina Monologues” play, at a news conference to promote the upcoming “V-Day” celebration in New Orléans, the city’s mayor Ray Nagin proudly proclaimed himself to be a “vagina-friendly mayor”.

“I am in,” said Nagin about vaginas at the event. “When it comes to vaginas, that is. I am definitely in.”

Mayor Ray Nagin eats a piece of pie - AP File Photo

Mayor Ray Nagin eats a piece of pie - AP File Photo

As it turns out, even Mayor Nagin did not realize just exactly how far in he really was. That’s because recently Nagin was bestowed the honor of America’s “Most Vagina-Friendly Politician” of 2007 by an organization known as the Voices of the United League of Vaginas of America, or V.U.L.V.A., which hands out the award each year to the most vagina-friendly politician based on a variety of factors.

Read more…

1 Comment | The Grubbion | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Grubb

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »
Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started