The commercial features a golden retriever by the name of Duke that bares a close resemblance to Dr. Aaron Perlut, the esteemed and sexually potent leader of the AMI.
Some say the resemblance is a little too close. In a country rife with frivolous lawsuits, we at Grubb Hub want to commend the AMI, and we sincerely hope they follow through and reconcile this gross injustice.
[Please welcome the newest addition to the JoeSportsFan.com contigent, Michael Grubb]
Dean Martin, Don Rickles, Bob Hope, Greg Giraldo, Jeffrey Ross…and Tony La Russa?
Under normal circumstances, Tony La Russa and a sense of humor go together about as well as animal rights and a thick, juicy steak. Typically you’d need a canister of tear gas to elicit something resembling laughter from the all-too-serious skipper.
But few punches were pulled Sunday at the annual St. Louis chapter BBWAA dinner. Like his crippling phobia of young players. Surely there were some good barbs about that right? Or his general dourness during postgame news conferences, where he often looks as though his third-favorite dog just had to be put down. Probably some real knee slappers there. Then there’s the one about his lineup cards being like snowflakes. No two are ever alike. Ever.
Okay, so maybe some of those didn’t make the final cut. But there were a handful jokes about falling asleep at the wheel. But hey, it was all in good fun. I’m sure Josh Hancock’s family was in stitches.
Most of Tony’s lifelong friends were in attendance, which even included a few bipeds. Friends like fellow baseball manager Jim Leyland, former Indiana basketball coach Bob Knight, and a kangaroo.
At one point, actor and notorious Cardinals suck-up Billy Bob Thornton praised both Knight and La Russa for being old school coaches, saying, “The more chairs Bob throws, the more I love him.”
This prompted Knight to honor Thornton’s words and La Russa by…what else? Throwing a chair.
Later, Knight choked a college kid and berated and physically intimidated a female secretary as part of the gag. All laughed heartily.
Unfortunately, longtime friend Bill Belichick was too busy watching his Patriots get booted from the playoffs by the New York Jets (sorry, I couldn’t resist). Which is too bad, rumor has it that Belichick tells a mean knock-knock joke.
Singer Bruce Hornsby was also unable to make the event. Attending on his behalf was The Range, which had nothing else to do.
Just a friendly reminder to the loyal reader of Grubb Hub (you know who are, sitting there in your bomb shelter, cleaning your guns from your large stockpile of weaponry, wearing your eye patch, and sending out coded messages on your ham radio you know damn well no one else can understand) that ‘Stache Bash will soon be upon us. More specifically, it’s this Saturday, December 4th from 8 p.m. to midnight at The Outfield at Mike Shannon’s Steaks & Seafood in downtown St. Louis, Missouri.
‘Stache Bash is a rip-roaring good time, complete with dudes and facial hair and grunting and burping. Don’t worry, there will be plenty of women burping there too, along with great bands like Hazard 2 Ya Booty (who, according to the AMI, really are a hazard to your booty) and Chicago’s very own, the Flavor Savors. If that’s not enough to entice you, director Morgan Spurlock, who blew the whistle on McDonald’s with his acclaimed film Super Size Me (Spoiler Alert: Big Macs really are fattening) will be there filming a documentary. So maybe you’ll get a chance to make an idiot of yourself on camera.
Tickets are $15 in advance and at the door. They can be purchased in advance from the Movember web site. Professional drinkers can also take advantage of the OPEN BAR from 8-11 p.m. for an additional $25 at the door.
For answers to any and all other questions, including the identity of your real father, check out the ‘Stache Bash page on the American Mustache Institute web site.
Go ahead, nominate whoever you want. It could be anyone…a teacher, a preacher, a project manager, a woman, a community organizer, someone with a real job…even you! (Seriously, don’t nominate yourself, you self-serving ass.)
Nominate as many times as you like. Nominate until you sprain something. Nominate until you’re about to collapse from exhaustion. Nominate until you’ve been fired from your job, and your wife and children have left you because you just won’t get up from the computer. It really doesn’t matter because the vast majority of your nominations will be ignored! Ignored, I tell you!
Of course I’m kidding. The truth is each nomination is carefully scrutinized by a team of trained nomination experts. Only the freshest and juiciest nominations, hand-picked by migrant workers and carried on foot to our production facility in Ripon, Wisconsin, will be good enough to make the final cut.
The award—handed out at the annual ‘Stache Bash slated for Saturday, December 4th, 2010 in St. Louis, Missouri—recognizes the person or human clone who has best represented, contributed, or has just not done any irreparable damage to the Mustached American community during the past year.
Nominations will only be accepted until Friday, October 8th. After that, you’re Shiite out of luck, Muganda. So put your nominatin’ boots on and get crackin’!
So it is in this vein that we dissect the field of this year’s Capital One All-America Mascot Team, offering up some tidbits you may not have known about the costumed characters – and undoubtedly some you already do. We’ll also pick our favorite for the 2010 Capital One National Mascot of the Year.
There are 12 weekly head-to-head match ups. The mascots with the best win/loss records make the playoffs starting November 22, and the final winner will be pronounced Capital One National Mascot of the Year during the Capital One Bowl January 1.
As might be expected, The Bird is one intense guy. He’s kind of like that guy you play basketball with that wears a headband and hip checks everyone because he’s way too serious about what was just a friendly pickup game. When asked about competing in the 2010 Mascot Challenge, The Bird exclaimed, “I will live in fame, or go down in flame!”
Then he doused himself in gasoline, lit himself on fire, and jumped out a two-story window. Like I said, this guy is intense.
As the summer months wane and fall approaches, the smell of football is in the air. As anyone that has had to endure them well knows, wake up too early any given morning in late August or early September, and for some reason it just feels like “two-a-days”.
Even if you’ve never experienced a 5 a.m. flashback to four-hour practices and small, enclosed rooms fouled with the funk of 50 unwashed girdles (yes, that is what they are called), you still know the distinct smells of fall, and this can mean only one thing: the beginning of another college football season.
For fans of the Fighting Illini, there always seems to be the extra added stench of failure – which is way worse than 50 girdles mind you – and this go-round appears to be no different.
That’s why it’s with extremely low, low expectations that Illinois begins 2010 by saying hello to the Missouri Tigers and goodbye (and good riddance) to the State Farm Arch Rivalry game Saturday, Sept. 4th at the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis, with kickoff set for 11:30 a.m.
In the spirit of shameless attempts at self-promotion (self-degradation?) involving chicken, we at Grubb Hub not-so-proudly present the following short, independent film. It’s once again brought to you by our associates at the American Mustache Institute – as part of their ‘Stache Scale Analysis series that samples and rates products from the Mustached American perspective.
In addition to the doctor sporting the night club velvet rope ‘stache, this video also stars a real, live chicken. No, it’s not the San Diego Chicken, Chicken Little, or even Colonel Sanders. Those guys are all too expensive (or too dead).
The Missing In Action movies represent the most popular franchise in the long and storied career of one Chuck Norris. They were filmed during the 1980’s – a period of time in American history when the nation realized it could have won the Vietnam War if only it had been allowed to pen the script for it.
By sheer coincidence, Missing In Action would probably make for a good title of this blog right about now. It’s in the spirit of this apathy that I give you the American Mustache Institute’s official Mustached Movie Review of Missing In Action 2: The Beginning – a prequel to the more popular and far superior Missing In Action.
Not by coincidence, a more appropriate title for this post would probably be Missing In Humor. But it’s got some nice video clips associated with it. So please, give it a whirl…or not. It’s a free country. Probably.
We have something really special for you today. It’s called a blog post. No, actually it’s something we’re calling Grubb Bites.
We at Grubb Hub have decided that instead of always trying to stir up the motivation to polish off the proverbial 6-course meal in the form of writing full, feature-length articles (which clearly is not working, as evidenced by the lack of posts lately), we thought it might be fun to quickly go through some items of the day and offer our reaction in a more “bite-sized” or condensed form. So here goes nothing:
Charter Brings the Big Ten Network to Southern Illinois, St. Louis
Since its inception in 2006, I have spent many a night dreaming of what it would be like to have the Big Ten Network for my very own – to possess her, to hold her in my arms, to caress her slowly and softly; as she deserves to be caressed. To toss aside the cares of the world and just spend the day with her, watching her replays of games I’ve already seen again and again…and again and again.
But alas, it was not meant to be, for I had Charter Cable. And if it were not insufferable enough that I could not possess her for my own, too often I had borne witness to her flaunting herself in the arms of others – like a wanton and promiscuous whore!! Until it turned my stomach just to hear her name.
We thought it would be fun to put our unlimited NFL knowledge and wisdom to test. After all, we were the ones that predicted that Josh McDingleberry would run the Denver Broncos into the ground after trading Jay Cutler to the Bears for no good reason. And look how right we were there!
Actually, the jury is still out on that one. You can do all the fist-pumping you want Josh, it’s still only six wins. Save your fist-pumping for when you win something that matters.
Anyway, feel free to enter the contest yourself and join all the local celebrities at the Fox & the Hound in Chesterfield Sunday, Nov. 8, from noon to 4:00pm. Your picks might even turn out to be smarter than ours! (Not likely)
So without further hors d’oeuvres here’s Grubb Hub’s NFL Week 9 Picks:
Washington at Atlanta
For a guy that thought he could simply buy a championship, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder picked the wrong sport. Sorry Daniel, that’s Major League Baseball that hands out its titles to the highest bidder. In the NFL, you have to win with the guys you draft, and the guys you draft suck. You might also want to try not changing your coach every year. He’s not the problem. The guy that hired him is.
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