Would You Platoon This Man?

April 15, 2009

Ryan Ludwick: All-Star Platoon Outfielder

His name is Ryan Ludwick. He also goes by the nickname “Studwick”. He’s an All-Star and a Silver Slugger Award winner. He hit .299 with 37 home runs and 113 RBI’s in 2008.

He plays outfield (occasionally) for the St. Louis Cardinals.

Think you’re smarter than Cardinals all-knowing, all-powerful, future hall of fame, super genius manager Tony La Russa? Well, you’re not. You’d play Ryan Ludwick every day, wouldn’t you?

Wouldn’t you, 89 year-old grandmother filling out a scorecard in the upper deck? Wouldn’t you, ever-so-delicious nachos supreme vendor? Wouldn’t you, five year-old whose father is taking him to his first-ever baseball game?

Wouldn’t you, foreign exchange student from Liechtenstein who has never heard of baseball before in his life?

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Death Wish 3: A Mustached Masturdpiece

March 10, 2009

Yes, Death Wish 3 – the third chapter in the famous franchise starring Charles Bronson – contains all the essential elements of a fine feature film: Angry mustached old dudes, bazookas to the face, giggling purse-snatchers, multicultural gangs, reverse mohawks, love for arithmetic, and people falling out of buildings. What more could a person ask for?

Did someone say mustaches? Well, that’s all that’s required for the American Mustache Institute to review a 24 year-old movie.

Even if you don’t have time to read the review because of your damn go-go lifestyle with your fancy McDonald’s lattes and your high-speed dial-up internet and your Bluetooth headpiece that makes everyone want to punch you in the face, at least take the time to view this Death Wish 3 montage of people falling out of buildings. It’s the least you can do; I spent way too much time on it for nobody to watch it.

2 Comments | American Mustache Institute, Masturdpiece Theater | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
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The Red (Headed) Man Can Get Ahead Too, Man

January 30, 2009

No, sad to say we’re still waiting for the days when that form of discrimination has been eradicated. As long as women still pine for tall, dark and handsome, as long as and the red of head are portrayed as freckle-faced four eyes in the mass media, it will unfortunately have a place in our society. My father used to always tell me, “There’s no way this country would elect a red-headed president.” Kind of like what this guy said.

Well, as of this evening, the country has proven my old man right. And we definitely are the better for it.

Speaking of discrimination, the American Mustache Institute is an organization dedicated to fighting for the rights of the repressed and downtrodden mustached American.

If you’d like to read more uplifting words of inspiration, check out the latest post from the AMI blog. And if you can make any sense of what it says, I think you will be better for it too.

2 Comments | American Mustache Institute, The Grubbion | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
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Sparty the Spartan: Evil Mascot

January 21, 2009


Did you know that Michigan State University, one of the most esteemed and respected public universities in the world, has a mascot that is a member of a specific ethnic group?

I was watching last Saturday’s disappointing 63-57 loss by the Fighting Illini to then tenth-ranked Michigan State when I noticed something rather alarming.

I just kept thinking to myself, this can’t possibly be. I had to rewind my TiVo just to make sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me. In this day and age, you just don’t think this kind of thing is possible. I mean, did we not inaugurate Barack Obama as the 44th president of the United States today? Kind of makes you take for granted that we have progressed past this kind of bigotry as a society. But no, when ESPN came back from commercial after a timeout, there he was. I could hardly believe my eyes.

His name…is Sparty the Spartan. He looks like this:

Sparty the Spartan (File Photo)

Sparty the Spartan (File Photo)

With his Popeye-like arms, horribly oversized head, and generally dopey look on his face – clearly he is a caricature of the well-known civilization from ancient Greece.

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14 Comments | Fighting Illini, Sports General, The Grubbion | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
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Illini Basketball Motto for This Year: Wait ‘Til Next Year?

November 21, 2008

This season, the University of Illinois basketball team will likely take the phrase so often uttered by their woolly neighbors just three hours to the north, “Wait ‘Til Next Year”, to a whole new level.

That’s because many Illini fans may have been saying it before this season even began. In case you hadn’t heard, 2009 is when Bruce Weber’s first crop of prize recruits since becoming the head coach of the Illini five years ago, start strolling into Chambana.

Four players, guards D.J. Richardson, Brandon Paul, and Joseph Bertrand, along with forward Tyler Griffey are all ranked in the top 100 nationally and currently give the Illini the 8th-ranked recruiting class in the nation according to Rivals.com.

Throw in five-star verbal commitments from small forward Jereme Richmond and shooting guard Crandall Head for 2010 and all of a sudden the Illini, who started to take on the look of a mid-major program Weber supposedly left behind, might again start to resemble the national power we were hoping “Bail” Self was going to build before bolting for the only place where the Earth’s crust is flatter and more boring to look at than Central Illinois – that being Kansas.

Of course, this is all assuming that Kelvin Sampson doesn’t somehow worm his way back into college basketball and give all these guys’ fathers cushy jobs.

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5 Comments | Fighting Illini | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
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Boy, It’s Been More Boring Than Presidential Debate Around Here Lately

October 19, 2008

Admittedly, not much has happened on the Hub lately. In fact, nothing has happened for nearly two months.

Speaking of nothing happening, did any of you catch the final 2008 presidential debate last Wednesday night? It’s too bad one of the major crises facing our country isn’t insomnia. At least then we could be reasonably confident that these guys would be able to solve one problem.

Unfortunately, there are far more important things facing our country. And as with so many important issues of our day, if we would only look to the mustache, we will find the answer. In this respect, I humbly submit for your perusal a list of suggestions for spicing up the presidential debates the next time around, brought to you by your follicled friends at the American Mustache Institute.

5 Comments | American Mustache Institute | Tagged: , | Permalink
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These Mustaches…Are Making Me Thirsty!!

August 21, 2008

“Friends, Romans, countrymen…lend me your rears.”

Yes, if you enjoyed that spot of thespianism you might want to check out this little piece of web theatre (notice how “theater” is spelled the classy way – that means it’s good).

In it, yours truly portrays a workaholic, chain-smoking news reporter (with a mustache) going through a bitter divorce that somehow manages to uncover the real truth behind the origins of the American Mustache Association (and promptly flubs his one line in doing so by mispronouncing the guy’s name that runs the damn thing).

This scintillating video was to promote the upcoming ‘Stache Bash 2008, the coup de grâce (or cup of grass if you’re stupid) of the mustache community calendar.

If you’d like to see more videos starring the good pirate doctor, you can click on that link I just put back there. Or go to You Tube and search for it yourself. I don’t really care.

3 Comments | American Mustache Institute, Masturdpiece Theater | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
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Owner of a Lonely Mustache

August 17, 2008

If you’re mustached, non-mustached, or otherwise and struggling to find that special someone, you might want to check out this helpful post, brought to you by the friendly folks at the American Mustache Institute, entitled How to Get a Date.

How to Get a Date

When you’re nearly middle-aged, hopelessly single, tragically bare-lipped, and sadly spend more of your free time writing on mustache blogs than on dates, you’ll take all the advice on meeting the ladies you can get.

If you’re like me, and every day that slips through your fingers makes you grow incrementally fearful of dying alone in a bed of some wretched government nursing home in a pile of your own filth, having no one to attend your funeral, and being buried in a cheap pine box deep within an abandoned coal mine, you might want to check out the following helpful pointers on meeting that special someone to share your life with.

They’re brought to you by the fabulous “Foxy Life” gals Elycia Rubin and Rita Mauceri. You remember them, don’t you? Their blog, which focuses on a variety of subjects from social trends to the culinary arts, is emerging as must-read material for the inherently barbarian male, mustached or otherwise.

Their piece below, entitled 5 Ways to Amp Up Your Single Sex Appeal, offers some helpful tips on how to attract that special someone (and cling onto them for dear life).

get more Grubb…

2 Comments | American Mustache Institute, The Grubbion | Tagged: , | Permalink
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Don’t Boo Izringhauzen, Boo the Guy That Kept Putting Him In There

August 13, 2008

It has been over a week since Jason Izringhausen was last afforded the opportunity to come in and close out a win for the St. Louis Cardinals, and in the process inch himself ever closer to the illustrious 300-save mark. Yes, so illustrious that only 102 other guys have that many saves.

In that game, “Thin” Izzy was brought in to preserve a 5-2 lead in the ninth inning against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Always reliable Ron Villone had done his job, promptly giving up a home run to a struggling Andruw Jones.

What? Isn’t that the lefty specialist Villone’s job? To come in for one batter and give up a home run – in this case Jones’ first since spring training? Well, maybe it just seems that way.

Anyhow, back to Izringhausen. Much to the wondering eyes of the 40,773 in attendance should appear, was another blown save and a whole lot of spilled beer.

And then out on the field, there arose such a clatter. There were boos and cursing as if something was the matter. So Tony La Russa sprang from the dugout before Izzy could face another batter.

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2 Comments | St. Louis Cardinals | Tagged: , , | Permalink
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Pujols Home Run Derby Snub Makes No Sense

August 10, 2008

In the weeks leading up to the 2008 All-Star game in New York City, Albert Pujols was all but openly campaigning for a spot on the Home Run Derby. He’s been quoted as saying he enjoys the contest and would love to take part in it.

Normally it works the other way around. What usually happens is a slugger with the star power the likes of Pujols participates in the home run derby a time or two and then decides it’s not worth his time, that he’d rather spend his All-Star break time loafing or “visiting with his family”.

But here you have, arguably the greatest slugger in the game today, openly expressing his desire to partake in the home run derby, and the response from Major League Baseball is apparently…thanks, but no thanks.

Huh?

Read more…

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